


Strawberry Kisses

by MuscleMemory



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Family Member Death, Feelings, Fluff and Smut, Grief/Mourning, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Post-Max Lightwood's Death, Sexual Content, Strangers to Lovers, disability themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 47,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21582751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuscleMemory/pseuds/MuscleMemory
Summary: The fic I never ever expected to write, then life happened...Magnus is working on a project for people close to his heart that are usually overlooked, and doesn't only find new friends in volunteers, but a family stricken by grief over losing their brother, and Alec, who he can't help falling in love with as he's trying to get to know him, and help him open up about his personal demons.
Relationships: Catarina Loss/Dorothea "Dot" Rollins, Helen Blackthorn/Aline Penhallow, Lydia Branwell/Isabelle Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 137
Kudos: 233





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *deep breath*
> 
> This is a story I truly never imagined writing, as I stay away from death fics soooo far usually... but one of my sister's died in July, and two weeks later I was at a P!nk concert, which was very surreal, and I cried lots and suddenly had this vision of this story in my head, never thought I would actually make it into a fic, but it kept getting more and more intense... and here it is... and yes, P!nk songs are featured in this, especially Glitter in the air.
> 
> I don't know if anyone will read this, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but if, excuse any kind of logical errors... this is really mostly about my own grief and guilt I somehow morphed into a Malec falling in love fic... because there has to be something good about it, always. 
> 
> Most is made up, some of it is real, about my sister, and my family, and my own struggle. So this is the most personal thing I've ever written, and it's the most scary thing to post, I guess, and I could keep it to myself, but honestly... no clue. It's still a fic I want here because I put a lot of work and feelings into it, and it's the process that I think helps, and part of it is getting it out there and closing this chapter, as well. 
> 
> I've almost finished the last part, too, so this will definitely not be left unfinished for too long.

When he advertised for volunteers for the project, he didn’t have any expectations, knowing that it was probably a long shot for people to willingly put in unpaid extra work after regular hours, for an event for not only people with special needs, not only for people in the lgbtq+ community, but, first and foremost, for people combining both.

Magnus didn’t care, either way, though. He was prepared to do most of the work himself after doing some research, having set a goal of two months, renting out an empty office space for the time, knowing he had the support of his friends. Cat and Dot would help out as much as possible in between their shifts and caring for their daughter Madzie, who made the project dear to them due to her being in a wheelchair, and Ragnor would take care of the financial aspect, making sure Magnus’ demand for the event to be completely free for participants, except for donations, was met. 

Raphael and Maia were taking care of feeding the crowd, and Simon was in charge of the entertainment/music, and Luke would use his connections to engage some security.

Magnus smiles as he thinks of the evening from a week ago, when he gathered them all at their favorite bar and disclosed his plans. He knew he could count on their support, but the enthusiasm and ideas thrown at him, still came as a surprise, and he was rather emotional, for which he got teased immediately, and hugged a lot, which atoned for their teasing.

The idea formed when he was watching TV one evening, the Chairman snoring on his chest, and yet another pompous government suit declared how and why they would cut funds for disabled facilities and lgbtq+ rights, as if it were the norm, as if the whole world - at least the whole of America, which to some of these idiots was the whole world - already knew and blindly accepted the increasing ostracism of already marginalized groups. 

Magnus had always been around all kinds of people, due to his late mother caring for those with special needs, and other outsiders, in their community all of her life, making him learn and making sure he wasn’t going to treat anyone any differently, no matter the color of their skin, gender identity, sexual orientation, or disability - not the way he was treated like an outcast for some time of his adolescent life, for the color of his skin, being bisexual, speaking his mind, and standing up for himself, and those who rarely had a voice to advocate for themselves - and he made sure to honor her education, even when she was taken from him way too soon, even when he wanted to shun the whole world forever. 

He always found support and compassion with those ignored, and looked down on by the world, learning important life lessons about hate, love, kindness, history, and friendship, and even when he moved to New York, he made sure to stay in contact with the people who helped shape him into the human being he was - those who were still alive, at least. 

He found a family, a place he feels comfortable calling home, a fulfilling job, and gotten more essential life lessons that never seem to end. He is generally content, keeping the demons of his past in control most of the time, focusing on the things, and people, that bring him joy, hope, and reasons to stay alive.

He doesn’t have any expectations about finding volunteers for the event, and when 6 o’clock arrives, he doesn’t expect the door to open, a flood of eager participants rushing into the room. And they don’t. 

Cat shows up two hours later after her hospital shift ended, and brings some Thai food they both share over talking about Magnus’ plans. It’s not exactly a pride parade, he doesn’t have the funds for that, no matter what, but he wants to make it a special day for those that usually get overlooked, and often treated badly, just to feel good, and seen, and equal. He knows it’s only one day, but he hopes it’s enough to make people think, and remember what it means to be human, and maybe go forward with a little more compassion and empathy in their hearts, and if they only reach a few, it will be worth it. 

Magnus doesn’t feel disappointed, he feels confident in his own abilities, comforted by his friends’ support, and looking forward to going home to snuggle with his cat for an hour before he’ll fall asleep on the couch. 

He isn’t afraid of working hard, managing a dozen things at the same time, or getting home late. He knows in his heart he’s doing a good thing, and that’s all the motivation he needs to find the strength required within him.

The next evening, a couple of people do show up, and he’s happy to talk to them, learn about their lives and motivations, and even happier when they promise to help out when they can. It’s all he can ask for. 

Throughout the first week, half a dozen of volunteers appear, and Magnus is satisfied, especially after one of them suggests making the project more public on social media - which Magnus is apprehensive about at first, as he doesn’t want the event to blow up into some kind of stunt people make things so often out to be, for his own gain and publicity - which couldn’t be further from the truth. He feels better when Helen, and Aline, a couple both with different physical disabilities, reassure him they will personally take care of that side of things, and, of course, he values the input of those directly concerned above everyone else’s. 

He feels very fortunate to have met them, and hopes they might stay in contact once the project is finished - or - if as successful as he hopes - they could make it an annual event. But that will be seen in time, and for now he tells himself to focus on the present. One day at a time.

He can hear the distinct sound of Ragnor’s cane on the linoleum floor outside in the corridor for almost a minute before the door is opened, with said cane, and he walks in, folders under his arm, his washed out shawl flung carelessly around his neck, his decade old hat crooked on his head, his long grey coat still missing the button Magnus told him to sew on last autumn.

He smiles affectionately, offers him a seat and a cup of tea he keeps here especially for him, for this rare occasion, and they drink in quiet companionship, looking out of the large windows over the city, and the early October sunset. 

“We’re going to need a couple of smaller, or one more big sponsor, but I’m working on it. And your arrogant lawyer friend is making sure the city has no merits whatsoever to screw us over, let them try, I’ll be happy to see any official’s flabbergasted face when Sebastian Verlac himself waves a lawsuit in front of them.” 

“I thought you didn’t like ‘my arrogant lawyer friend’.” Magnus eyes him amused, putting his empty cup on the table.

“I don’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m opposed to the advantages his name and reputation offer.” 

Magnus’ mouth twitches and he shakes his head in fond exasperation, a yawn suddenly torn from him he quickly covers with his hand. “Apologies.”   


“No need, you’ve been working hard, doing a decent job so far.” Ragnor leans over to pat his arm, and Magnus meets his look with a frown, then chuckles. 

“Thank you, dear, your approval means the world to me.” He overplays his statement, but Ragnor doesn’t seem fazed, nods instead, grabs his hat from the table and manages to put it on his head in the same crooked way as before, takes his cane and leaves without another word, but it’s not necessary, they’ve known each other for fifteen years, and they’ll see each other again very soon. 

Magnus smiles softly, clears the cups away, and decides to call it a night, as well. The Chairman will be happy to see him before 9pm. 

Two days later, a woman whose appearance strikes him as extraordinary, shows up at 6pm on the dot, her long black hair as flawless as her make-up, and the dark red suit she’s wearing. He wouldn’t be surprised if she’s actually in the wrong place, some of the other offices in the building are rented by a few companies he could see her working for. 

Her smile is warm and genuine as she walks towards him, and extends a hand, as if she knows exactly who he is, and isn’t in the wrong place, at all. 

“Mr. Bane, I’m Isabelle Lightwood, from Lightwood Inc., here on behalf of my mother and our company, regarding Mr. Fell’s proposition.” 

Magnus shakes her hand, feeling a little stunned. So Ragnor really took care of that. Lightwood Inc. isn’t a small business, after all, he even met Maryse Lightwood once at a charity gala, and though she appeared aloof - some would even say intimidating - after a couple of glasses of wine and his excellent social skills, they had a rather interesting talk that stuck with him, and he wouldn’t mind repeating. 

He didn’t know she had a daughter working for her company, too, especially not one as stunning as the woman now standing before him. 

He offers her a seat and gestures at the couple of volunteers arriving, for them to give him a moment, then sits down opposite of her.

“I don’t want to take up a lot of your time, Mr. Bane. I’m mainly here to inform you that we will be happy to sponsor your event fully, and to reaffirm Mr. Fell’s requirements.” She slides a paper towards him, and he recognizes Ragnor’s handiwork, surprised at the amount of additional requirements and the estimated cost, but he’s even more surprised at Isabelle Lightwood telling him her company is happy to sponsor the event, just like that. He frowns subtly, leaning back a little, his thumb and forefinger rubbing together.

She seems to catch onto his trepidation, her expression turning more serious, but not any less earnest. 

“I understand you might have concerns about ulterior motives on our part, but I can promise you, we don’t have any. This project is… of personal interest to us, and we’ve sponsored several charity, and other events through the last ten years, and Mr. Fell made a very good case for yours. We won’t even be mentioned by name if that’s your wish.” 

She smiles softly, and there is something in her eyes that stuns Magnus a little. Something hidden, yet for some reason, plainly obvious to him. She’s telling the truth, and whatever this personal interest for their decision to sponsor the event is, it’s real, and personal to  _ her,  _ too.

He nods a little. “That’s very generous of you, and we’re happy to have your support. Please greet your mother from me, I hope she’s doing well.” 

Isabelle’s smile falters a little, but she nods, pulls the paper towards her, and places it back in the folder. “She’ll be glad to hear you’re accepting our sponsorship, and please, if you need anything else let us know, we’re happy to help in any way possible.” She gets up and Magnus does the same to bid her goodbye. 

“Oh, before I forget, a few more volunteers will be here soon, please talk them through it and employ them in any way you need.” 

They shake hands and say goodbye, and Magnus watches as she walks off as confidently as before, her long dark hair’s movement transfixing him for a moment. He shakes it off, closes the door and gets back to work, wondering quietly about this extremely rare, peculiar, yet lucky encounter, and what could be behind it, hoping it won’t turn into something negative. 

But Ragnor would now scold him for being pessimistic and unable to trust anyone, especially when they give him money for free, and apparently without wanting anything in return - which he just cannot help feeling suspicious of.

He had almost forgotten about Isabelle’s parting words, focusing on his task at hand, when three loud knocks sound from the door before it is opened, and three people come inside, two men, one tall, dark haired, one shorter and blond, and a blond woman who looks strangely familiar. They’re casually clothed, taking in the room, nodding at the volunteers present at the time, then their eyes come to rest on Magnus.

Isabelle’s volunteers? He gets up to greet them, introducing himself, shaking the woman’s hand first, her smile curt, yet pleasant, “Lydia Branwell,” and he’s sure he heard the name before, too, the blond man’s blue and brown eyes abruptly distracting him, his smile warm and big, “I’m Jace.” 

He welcomes him, then turns towards the tall guy, hazel eyes glancing his way, a large hand grasping his own with a firm grip, the eyes holding him there, a shiver along his spin. His eyes take in the stubble, the nose dimple, an eyebrow scar, but the depth in his eyes is too captivating to pay much attention to anything else, and the sudden surprise in them is mirrored in Magnus’ face. “Alec.” 

_ Alec… _ Magnus smiles and lets go of his hand, his own tingling lightly, a sudden, very subtle smell of sweetness invading his nose as he moves to include the three of them. “You’re the volunteers Isabelle Lightwood mentioned, I presume?”

Jace snorts good-humoredly. “What gave us away? We made sure to look inconspicuous.” 

“You couldn’t be that even if you tried, I’m actually surprised you know that word.” Lydia earns an eyeroll and a nudge from Jace that only brightens the smirk on her face. They obviously know each other quite well, Magnus observes. Alec’s not really showing a reaction to their antics, so he’s not sure about him.

“Well, all hands and brains are more than welcome, please follow me and let me get you up to speed.” Magnus takes his time explaining, getting a nice surprise to find they are well informed, and obviously have connections. He’s a little suspicious still, hoping they won’t want to take over leadership of the event, but finds their suggestions helpful and respectful, and himself being addressed as a superior, which he doesn’t find necessary, but prefers to being overshadowed. He won’t let anything or anyone risk his heart’s project, it’s way too important to him, and many other people. 

Helen and Aline keep him up to date about social media responses, and he realizes that it seems to be taking on another scale than he had anticipated, which makes him quite excited, if also concerned, which will lead to him working harder, become more focused, and carefully study every angle, still confident having Ragnor and the others on his side. 

*

“May I ask, why the 12th of December?” 

Magnus looks up from his papers, meeting Lydia’s keen, inquiring expression. He glances around for a moment, finding the few people close to them aware of her question, quietly waiting and listening. He doesn’t mind, it’s not a secret.

“I find people more willing to have an open mind and listen at a time such as the holidays. Truthfully, I have a complicated relationship with that, but I’m not above using it for making something good. I want the people who are so often shunned and ignored to have a real space to celebrate their wonderful differences and similarities, and to be heard, in a peaceful, inclusive environment, where anyone non-abusive is welcome, and if that being close to the holidays helps, I’m fine with that.” He pauses, but he can tell Lydia’s aware of there being something else he hasn’t said.

“Also, it’s my mother’s birthday, and I think she would have loved it.” He says more quietly, watching the understanding dawning on her face.

“I understand, and respect that. You’re doing a great thing, and it will be a success, we’ll make sure of it.” Her smile is full of confidence and he watches her leave, pondering about this strange sensation she makes him feel, just like Isabelle Lightwood did before. There was something about her, just like now about Lydia Branwell, that makes his carefully built distrust and caution falter too quickly.

His eyes move to glance at the most quiet of the three new volunteers, typing on the notebook he brought. Magnus finds himself staring at his fingers flying over the keys, his handsome profile, the way he’s fully immersed in whatever he’s writing. His posture is slightly bent, his body well-shaped, his legs never-ending. 

Magnus tears his eyes away again, cursing a little at his silliness, smiling to himself. If Alec stays, at least he’ll have something lovely to look at now and then. And he might even get a few more words out of him. 

The next evening is full of revelations as not only the three new volunteers show up, but soon after, Isabelle Lightwood, dressed in casual clothes, still strikingly beautiful, but Magnus suddenly remembers where he’s seen Lydia before. She’s working at the same law firm as Sebastian, of course. The world - New York, at this instance - is very small. And seeing her and Isabelle together, it clicks instantly. The looks they give each other can only mean one thing, even before he notices their hands caressing, and a kind of profound intimacy radiating between them, jumping straight at him, before they share a kiss.

They make a stunning couple, no doubt, and maybe he gets their motives to help make this event a success better now. He can’t help feeling an inherent want to trust his queer peers, even if rotten apples can be found anywhere. 

And then he sees Alec, and Isabelle, next to each other, and another lightbulb goes off in his head. Related, obviously. Maryse Lightwood’s genes are incredible, and how could it be any different with the woman herself being rather beautiful? He has seen her smile, even laugh, so he knows what he’s talking about. 

All of this is just getting more interesting to him, especially as he also notices the way Alec, Lydia, and even Jace, are around Isabelle. He can’t put it into words, but there’s something carefully unspoken, a secret they’re all privy to, a kind of tenderness in the way they look, speak to, and hug her, something fragile surrounding them, setting their group apart from the rest of them, letting him know they care deeply for each other. He knows it’s none of his business, but he’s highly intrigued.

*

Magnus decides to also work at the weekends from now on, needing to make sure there is no way the event could fail, every flaw is eradicated, every possible hindrance dealt with. He doesn’t expect anyone else to, of course, knowing how valuable everyone’s time is and being utterly grateful so many people choose to spend it supporting the project already. 

He could work more from his own apartment, and he’d love to not leave the Chairman alone, but he also likes the open space here, and that everything has its place, and is organized in a way he can find whatever he needs. The Chairman would love it here, too, to rustle through all the papers, scratching and shredding them apart, and then roll around happily in his mess. Magnus can see it, and it makes him smile, but it’s never going to happen.  _ Sorry, Chairman. _

He also loves putting on music as he works on his own, recently drawn to P!nk’s albums, especially old favorites and live/acoustic versions. He hums and sings along, his foot tapping, startling all of a sudden as the door opens, and none other than Alec Lightwood strides into the room, as if it was the most natural thing to do, as if he does it every day.

Magnus just stares at Alec walking over to the desk he’s been occupying, suddenly noticing Magnus, freezing mid-step. He looks confused, then a frown settles on his forehead. 

“Am I late?” 

Magnus blinks, stunned. “Uh, no, I just didn’t expect you, or anyone, to be perfectly honest.” He turns the music lower, observing with strange fascination how Alec’s frown darkens, his eyes flitting about awkwardly, the grip on his notebook tightening.

“My sister said you were working at the weekends, and I assumed that applies to all of us.” 

Wow, okay, not much of a social life outside of work? Magnus doesn’t have trouble categorizing him as a workaholic, but he also hates categorizing people and shoving them into socially made up boxes, even if he catches himself doing so every now and again. One of the many flaws of being human. 

“Well, in theory, I just don’t want to take up any more of your time.” Magnus explains, not wanting to make him feel bad in any way, and he’s pleasantly surprised at the severity he’s showing. 

Alec seems to relax a little, walking further to his original destination, places his notebook on the desk, shrugs out of his coat he hangs over the back of the chair, and unfolds his scarf from around his neck, draping it over his coat. 

Magnus can’t help but keep watching him. He’s dressed in a black top and dark jeans, his hair more messy than usual, his stubble still short enough to count as trimmed, but it’s clear he’s not been at work - his real job, where he wears suits and slicks his hair back - today. He likes seeing this side of him, always enjoys learning about the different sides of people, and he barely knows anything about this particular human.

“Alright then, thanks for coming, you may stay however long you want.” 

Alec gives off a sound that seems like an affirmative little grunt to Magnus, and somehow it amuses and surprises him, so much so, he keeps looking over at him, watching him set up his notebook.

He finally turns back to his own work, not sure what to make of the man, but he’s not going to say no to free help.

They work a couple of hours in rather comfortable quiet, apart from P!nk very quietly keeping him entertained, then he feels the need to stretch his limbs, heads to the other room where the small, mobile refrigerator and coffee machine are he brought, takes out a couple of water bottles and approaches Alec who seems as immersed as usual, his fingers only coming to a halt as Magnus holds the bottle into his line of sight. 

Alec hesitates, then takes it. “Thanks.” He opens it, takes a sip, puts it down next to him on the desk, and lays his fingers down on the keyboard again.

“Can I ask what your position is at your company? I assume you’re also working at Lightwood Inc.” 

Alec rests his hands, and glances up at him for a moment. “Accountant.” 

Magnus fears that’s all he’s going to say, and wonders whether it’s something about him that makes Alec Lightwood so impersonal.

“I make sure the money goes to where it’s needed and promised, and doesn’t end up in any shady businesses.” 

Magnus actually exhales relieved. “That’s good, I’ve heard only good things about your company, and meeting your mother, I found her to be a very capable, and upright business woman.” 

Alec meets his eyes once again, his expression hard to read, and Magnus thinks he might want to say something, but he nods curtly, and starts typing again after another quiet moment. Magnus takes that as his cue to leave him to work, even though his inherent desire to get to know people is trying to convince him to have another attempt at conversing with him. 

He ignores it, and they continue to work. A soft, rustling sound of paper catches Magnus’ attention after a long while, his eyes drawn to Alec who seems to be eating something, the paper vanishing in his pocket. Hmm, more like a sweet? Chewing gum maybe? Magnus squints to see whether he is really chewing, his jaw is slightly moving, but he seems to be sucking on something in his mouth instead, his head suddenly turning and Magnus quickly smiles, and looks away, feeling embarrassed for staring, more so for getting caught like that. 

Alec says nothing, though, and Magnus doesn’t dare look over again for a while. 

Until he notices the time. “Hey, it’s long past lunch time, do you want to go out and get something? Or we could order food if you prefer that?” 

Alec is scratching his stubble along his jaw when Magnus’ gaze falls on him, and something about the gesture is extremely attractive to him, or it’s his jawline, or his long fingers, or - he really doesn’t have to pretend he doesn’t find the whole man very attractive, indeed. At least, not to himself. 

“I actually have somewhere to be. But I’ll come back later.” 

“Oh, of course, but you really don’t have to sacrifice your whole Saturday for this.” Magnus gestures vaguely, amazed at Alec’s work attitude, but a little concerned, too, he doesn’t want to be responsible for any of his volunteers burning out. 

“It’s no sacrifice.” He watches him getting dressed, leaving his notebook on the desk.

“See you later.” 

Magnus is really quite stunned, frowning at the empty seat. This man is turning out to be a bit of a mystery.

He doesn’t waste his time wondering any more about him, and decides to grab lunch on the way to spend a couple of hours with the Chairman at home.

When he comes back in the afternoon, Alec’s already there.

“Good afternoon, did you have a nice lunch?” 

“Alright.” 

Magnus almost sighs to himself, but smiles amused instead. He wonders what it would take for Alec Lightwood to say more than a few words. He may get a chance to find out, though, if he really keeps up his volunteering job for the next weeks. 

At 6pm, Magnus decides to go home, as he wasn’t even planning on staying so long, but he must admit the quiet, focused aura Alec exudes, got to him, too, and he managed twice as much as he had planned on.

“Let’s go home, Alec, and we’re taking tomorrow off. I don’t want to see you near here, and I won’t, as I will be cooking and playing games with my best friends’ daughter.” He smiles happily, looking forward to spending the day with them. 

Alec seems surprised, and maybe even a little apprehensive to leave, or to not work tomorrow, Magnus can’t tell, but there’s no way he’s going to let him sacrifice his whole weekend, no matter what he says. 

He closes his notebook and gets dressed, leaving the work space as impeccably as he found it and heads past Magnus. “Good evening then, see you on Monday.” 

There it is again, the slightly sweet smell… some kind of candy? Is that what he’s been eating? Seems weirdly sweet for his own liking, but who would’ve thought, Alec Lightwood has a sweet tooth.

“Goodnight, Alec, and thanks for your help.” He smiles and locks up before heading home.

*

The next week goes by very fast, a lot of things falling into place, the magnitude of the project on Magnus’ mind a lot, and five weeks seems a long time away, and not enough time at all, and he’s just glad that everyone seems so confident and mostly calm about it all. 

Friday night, himself and Alec are the last ones here, as every night this week, Alec seeming to only leave when Magnus does, and they’ve still hardly been talking, a few things about the event for clarification, and Alec’s been diligently checking out every detail in even greater effort than Magnus has himself, and Magnus feels strangely endeared by Alec’s sense of responsibility, and care he puts into a project that seems somehow important to his family, but Magnus still doesn’t even know why. He put music on again, quiet enough to not disturb Alec, or at least, he would hope he’d say so if it did.

Aline sends him a video message from her class she’s teaching, consisting of ten children with special needs, who seem excited about the event which will be for them, as well, and Magnus feels a sense of duty and pride he hasn’t so far, and also, all of a sudden, an overwhelming fear of letting these children, and hundreds of other people, down. 

He shuts his eyes, taking deep breaths, massaging his temples, trying to calm himself, listening to P!nk singing quietly about  _ True Love _ , willing him to believe that nothing can go wrong, nothing major at least. There are so many people working on making sure of this now, most of them not inside this office, and it will be a success, an unforgettable day for everyone involved. He has to believe it, and not let the pressure crush him.

“Magnus? Are you okay?” 

Magnus startles a little, his arms dropping as he looks up, meeting Alec’s concerned eyes. 

“I… yeah, I just…” He shakes his head a little, takes another breath and smiles softly. “When this idea formed in my mind, it wasn’t quite as big and intense as it’s turning out to be. I’m just a little afraid that somehow someone will make it into something bad, and ruin it for everyone this is for. They’re the most important part of this, and I need them to be safe, and feel seen, and good, and enjoy every moment.” He blinks, shocked at all the words tumbling out of him, his chest loosening again as he inhales, and exhales, glancing at Alec, thinking he might have overstrained his willingness to listen to Magnus rant about this.

He finds him looking in a way he wasn’t expecting, his features soft and relaxed, a small, lopsided smile making him look even more handsome than the usual, serious hotness. 

Magnus finds himself unable to look away.

“They will, and no one can ruin this. Someone always finds something negative in everything, but those who matter, this will matter to, in all the right ways. You don’t have to worry about that.” 

Magnus feels how his mouth is short of dropping open, Alec’s words hitting a place inside him he wasn’t prepared for. Before he can answer, Alec turns and heads back to his desk, and Magnus can only stare after him, finally finding his voice again. “Thank you, you’re right.” 

Alec glances over, nods and pulls something small out of his coat pocket, and Magnus thinks it might be his favorite candy, but a knock at the door distracts him, and Isabelle enters, her smile brightening the dull room, and he gets up to greet her, as does Alec, but something changes indistinguishably, one moment to the next, one song ending, another beginning, and Magnus halts, as Alec steps closer, tears visible in Isabelle’s eyes, sorrow clouding her features, and she might have wanted to say something, but Alec pulls her into himself instead, and whispers into her hair inaudibly, and Magnus can only watch, confused, concerned, a cold, saddened sensation engulfing him.

A minute later, she moves back, wipes the tear stains from her cheeks and smiles wobbly. “I’m sorry.” But her voice breaks, and her eyes stay downcast, and Magnus feels the need to hug her, too, comfort her somehow, even though he doesn’t know about her pain. Not that it matters, he’s seen a huge variety of people’s pain and suffering throughout his life, and never not felt the need to somehow make it better. 

“Please, no, it’s alright, anything I can do?” Magnus wishes there was, the helplessness the worst of it all, in any situation.

But she shakes her head and turns to leave, and Alec is quick to grab his things to follow her, saying a short bye to Magnus, who watches as the door closes behind them both. From the speakers he hears P!nk’s soft  _ Glitter in the air _ .

*

On Saturday he waits for a couple of hours, but when Alec doesn’t show, he also decides to leave again. They are perfectly in schedule, which surprises him, and also most of the things that need organizing he doesn’t need the office for which he hadn’t anticipated, but he still likes to come here, to have a place just for this, without distractions… except he’s very distracted now, and he really only wanted to find out whether Isabelle was okay, but hopefully her family, and Lydia, are with her. 

He takes a walk around the city towards the park, looking at how autumn has changed everything, and, heading home, gets a message from Clary, Luke’s daughter, asking whether he wants to meet up with her, Simon, and a few others at a club tonight. He ponders for a moment, but he could probably enjoy dancing, and getting a small break from overthinking the project. 

He puts some effort into styling himself, realizing the last time he went out clubbing was way too long ago, and he’s really looking forward to it. 

He heads into Pandemonium with excitement rushing through his blood, his body ready to move in every way allowed in public, and is happy to find Maia and Raphael with Clary and Simon, his favorite drink for him already in place. 

They talk a bit, drink a little more, and dance a lot, and Magnus vows to make this a regular date for himself again, at least after the event is concluded. 

Still on the dancefloor, he suddenly hears Simon shouting next to him, “Hey, Jace!” and as he turns sees a familiar face heading towards them, high fiving Simon, hugging Clary, giving Maia a kiss on the cheek, and winking at Raphael who looks unimpressed, making Jace laugh, then looks surprised as he spots Magnus.

“Wow, Magnus, you clean up well.” He grins and pats his shoulder in greeting, but Magnus is still astounded to learn that Jace Lightwood - adopted by the Lightwoods when he was barely ten years old, after his parents died in a horrible plane crash - knows so many of his friends, and is, in fact, very friendly with them all. How did he not know this? And since when?

“Thanks.” It comes out way too late, and Jace doesn’t even hear it, talking animatedly to Clary, Simon, and Maia. 

Magnus moves over to Raphael. “How do you all know him?” 

“Ah, Simon was looking for more musicians for the event, turns out Jace is a pretty good pianist, and learning to play the guitar. Simon is teaching him, and as Clary’s always with Simon, you know the drill, they’ve been at the restaurant a lot lately.” 

Magnus nods, funny how these things go. His attention is drawn away from the three of them as another familiar figure comes into view, and Magnus must look rather dumbfounded as Raphael frowns deeply at him, and waves his hand in front of Magnus’ face.

But seeing Alec Lightwood here, of all places? He would not have expected that. And somehow he looks like always, but also completely different, and Magnus can’t put his finger on it, but the black jeans hug his legs, and butt just right, and the grey, tight-fitting top he’s wearing, looks almost sinfully good on him. And his hair looks as if he simply let it free and do whatever it wants to, and Magnus’ fingers itch to touch, and run through that delicious, thick mess. 

Wow, how many drinks has he had again? Entirely too many, if he’s unashamedly lusting after his ‘sort of colleague’ like this. But he just looks too gorgeous, and that’s not Magnus’ fault. 

Fortunately, before his mind gets a chance to drop deeper into the gutter, he notices Isabelle and Lydia behind Alec, holding hands, looking exceptionally beautiful, and Magnus feels a rush of relief to see her here, with them, obviously fine enough to go clubbing, and smiling like that. He didn’t think he cared this much, but then he always finds himself caring too much, too soon, too deeply, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. It’s just how he’s wired.

He watches Jace greet the three of them with a hug, and introducing them to Simon, Clary, and Maia, and then they spot Magnus, obviously as surprised to see him here, looking like that… Isabelle and Lydia seem happy enough, and he loves their compliments for his outfit and styling, but the look Alec’s giving him is rather hard to interpret, and if he let himself think too much, he’d come to the conclusion he doesn’t like it, but he really doesn’t need any kind of negative thoughts right now, so he chooses to ignore it. 

He can’t know what he thinks if he doesn’t say it, after all, and trying to figure out people’s thoughts is dangerous and more often leads to upset than not, and at least half the time unnecessarily.

He learns that Isabelle is as passionate about dancing as he himself is, maybe even more so, and that she blackmails her brothers into accompanying her once a month, though it seems from something Lydia comments that it’s been quite a bit longer than that since the last time. 

Everyone but Alec and Raphael stay on the dancefloor, having fun, while the two of them sit down at the bar, quietly sipping their drinks, and watching the others. It’s rather comical, how Magnus glances over and finds them sitting there, like strangers, once toasting to each other, not even making smalltalk. But people are just different, and he’s sure Alec really only came for his sister, which makes him a really good brother in Magnus’ book. 

A few hours later, Isabelle and Magnus are both queuing for the bathroom, and he watches her lean against the wall, her face still a bit sweaty, a relaxed smile on her face, suddenly turning to meet his eyes.

“This is just what I needed. Sometimes we just need to forget, right? Or not forget, but, let it all go in a good way, doing something we love doing that exhausts us to the bone.” 

Magnus frowns a little, nodding, curious, but not wanting to overstep. “I’m glad you came, and that you’re feeling better.” He smiles genuinely.

“I feel embarrassed about what happened yesterday, but it’s not something I can control, it just overcomes me at the weirdest moments, and I can only let it happen, you know?” 

“You don’t have to feel embarrassed, dear. I was simply worried about you.” 

She smiles softly, a trace of sadness in her eyes as she looks away. They stay quiet then, meeting up again after their turn in the bathroom, and she takes his hand. “Are you free tomorrow for breakfast, or lunch?” 

Magnus is taken aback, but he nods, sure to have some time, or will make some if needed. She tells him where to meet and when, and he loses her in the crowd, but he’s not worried, just curious what this is about. It’s not like they’re so familiar with each other that she’d ask him out as a friend, even though after tonight, he feels they could become great friends, and maybe she feels it, too.

Or maybe she was just drunk… but now he’s here at the cafè, and he will wait for a while, at least, not having her number it’s all he can do. He really should have thought to ask, but he was quite drunk himself. 

He’s relieved when she appears ten minutes later, looking as if she got cut out of a natural beauty magazine, her smile bright and beautiful. They share a hug before she sits down, and they order coffee and bagels. 

“I wasn’t sure you’d come, I know it was weird asking you here like this.” 

“No, I mean, we both had quite a bit to drink, so I wasn’t sure whether you’d even remember.” He smiles sweetly, making her laugh softly.

“Oh, I do remember. And I’m glad you’re here. I know we don’t really know each other that well, but I know quite a lot about you, from my mom, and the background check we did, because of the sponsorship, and just meeting you…” 

Magnus nods, aware of that, a company like theirs wouldn’t operate any differently. “I understand. I’m just curious as to what Maryse said about me?” 

“Oh, she was pretty taken with you.” Isabelle smirks into her coffee, and Magnus’ eyebrows shoot up.

“Really?” 

“Oh yes, you saved her that night at the gala, she was bored out of her mind, but then stayed a lot longer than she usually would have, all thanks to your company. She said you were a fresh breeze among all the old, foul stink.” 

Magnus laughs amazed, not sure whether to believe Maryse Lightwood honestly said something like this.

“I swear, she has quite a mouth like the rest of us, in private.” She winks, and Magnus smiles, feeing delighted. 

“I get it. And I really enjoyed that night because of her, as well.” 

“She’ll be glad to know that. She really wants to meet you and talk about the event, she’s just been… preoccupied a lot lately.” 

Magnus notices the change in her expression immediately. Whatever this is about, it’s the reason why she broke down crying in the office. But as he’s not sure this is why she met him here, he stays quiet and waits.

They make some smalltalk while they eat and empty their coffees, and Magnus is wondering whether she will let him know the reason at all, but even if not, it’s okay, he’s enjoying her company.

“Would you mind going for a walk? I love the sun’s out today.” 

Magnus agrees, and after paying they walk along the streets, colorful leaves crunching under their feet. 

“You must be wondering why I invited you here, and I should tell you, it’s just… difficult.” He can hear the tears in her voice, and his chest tightens instantly. 

“You don’t have to if it makes you sad.” But what is it?

“No, I think you have a right to know, so you know we are really truthful about the sponsorship and why we wanted to help you in the first place… it’s just… still hard to talk about.” She takes a deep breath and hugs herself, and Magnus wishes he could somehow do something, but all he can do is give her time and listen.

“We have another little brother… but he died... and we’re doing it for him, basically. He was very special, and he would have loved this.” Tears are running from her eyes, and when she stops walking, Magnus can’t but offer his arms, still in shock at that revelation, and she lets him hug her while she softly cries into his shoulder. 

After a few minutes, she moves back, thanks him and walks on, and they find an empty bench to sit. 

“It’s still surreal sometimes, that he’s not with us anymore. And everyone’s been dealing in their own way, or not dealing much at all… which is also dealing in a way, I guess. Me and mom need to talk about it, a lot, and we cry a lot, and Jace uses physical pain to cover the emotional one, and dad - our parents are divorced, have been for ten years, and for a few years they barely spoke, only when it was about us, especially Max, but lately they seem to talk a bit more, maybe losing a child brings them closer, I don’t know, in a way I’m glad, but on the other hand, I wish he was still here, whether they spoke or not, you know? It’s just… I get Jace’s anger, we’re all so angry sometimes, he lets me hit his punchbag when I need it, and just being there for each other is helping, but there’s this void in all of us, and I guess it will always be there, and we’re all somehow trying to build our life around it now, but it hurts so fucking much, and sometimes it’s all so pointless.” 

She sniffles and gets a tissue from her bag, and wipes her face, and as Magnus watches, he just feels his heart breaking for them all. 

“I was most worried about Jace at the start, but he’s coping a bit better these days, but Alec… I don’t know, I recently realized all he’s been doing is comfort us, and be there for us, he does anything for us, but he hasn’t actually wanted comfort for himself, or let us be there for him in the same way. I haven’t even seen him cry, and he must, but never in front of us, not even at the funeral, and I know that’s how he is, and I don’t want him to cry if he doesn’t want to cry, but he doesn’t really talk about Max, either, he just… continues to work, and live somehow, but also not really, and I just…” She shakes her head, more tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. 

“I’m just scared and worried for him, we all are, but as long as he says he’s fine, and doesn’t need anything or anyone, not therapy, not anything, really, what can we do? I just don’t want it to crash down on him all at once at some point and drown him. And if it does, I want to be there, so I can help him. But, oh, I just don’t know.” She sighs and wipes away her tears again.

“I’m sorry to dump all of this on you, like I said, I’m a talker, and I think you needed to know, not all of it, but I can’t stop once I start, sorry.” She smiles carefully at him, her face red and blotchy, and her eyes still brimming with tears, and Magnus can only pull her into another hug. 

“Please don’t apologize anymore, it’s okay, you’ve done nothing wrong. You experienced a horrible loss, and as you said, everyone deals differently with something like this, and it can take a long long time for some to start dealing, and healing. We can only look out for those we love, and try to be there when they need us.” 

He feels her nod into his shoulder, and he doesn’t mind holding her until she is calm again. He takes her home and she thanks him several times, despite him reassuring her she doesn’t need to, and finally he heads home himself, his mind and heart filled with new and old sorrow, and suddenly his perception of them all is forever changed, and he  _ gets _ it.

His mind is drifting during afternoon tea with Ragnor, and though his friend must be aware, he doesn’t say anything, just waits until Magnus talks about what Isabelle told him, about the memories resurfacing from losing his mother, other family, and friends, and Ragnor sits quietly, drinking tea, pouring Magnus more tea, listening until Magnus is done, feeling drained, but safe with his friend, just to be, however he is in the moment. He falls asleep early that night with the Chairman’s warmth in his back, his purrs in his ears, soothing and safe.

*

Magnus finds himself feeling insecure the next evening as he’s heading into the rented office to work on the project. They divided the work extensively, giving every single volunteer their own schedule, and most don’t need to be at the office at all now, many of them only needed at the actual event, but he knows Alec will be there, or arrive at some point, and after what he now knows, he doesn’t know how to be. 

It’s easy, really, Alec probably doesn’t know Magnus knows, so he can be the same as before, just normal, but Magnus  _ knows _ and that changes everything for him, whether Alec knows it, or not. Of course he won’t tell him, because that would be the worst he could do, right?

He’s just a stranger, and he shouldn’t know such intimate things about Alec, but he does. And he can’t stop thinking about the Lightwoods, how they must have been, how they are now, how Alec must be, whether he really doesn’t talk to anyone about his little brother, about what he feels, how he’s coping, whether he is coping at all… but it’s not Magnus’ responsibility. 

He’s not his therapist, or friend, or anyone he’d confide in. All he can do is work on the project, and that’s it, really. He doesn’t even know what happened exactly, or how long it’s been since he died, not that that really matters as such, grieving takes a long time, years, a lifetime, it just changes in its intensity, as he knows from experience, but some days it feels as raw as it did the day it happened. And he can only accept those days, too, and let them go. 

He doesn’t know what it’s like to lose a child, or a sibling, but he guesses losing anyone one loves with all their being, is ultimately the same kind of pain, which everyone experiences in their own way, however. 

He tries to shake it off, tries to focus on what’s next on his to-do list, and smiles gently at Alec when he sees he’s already sat at his desk in front of his notebook, looking up shortly as Magnus enters. “Hey.” 

“Hey.” Magnus halts for a moment, then wills his feet to move to his own work space, glancing over at Alec to see whether there is any change in him he could notice. But he seems like always. 

So Magnus turns on his music quietly, and gets to work. 

“Why do you like her music so much?” 

Magnus has been frowning at his screen for minutes, his face abruptly relaxing as he turns his attention towards Alec, his brain catching up with his question, knowing he has only been listening to his P!nk mix when Alec was present. 

“She’s one of those unicorn humans, you know, extraordinary in a lot of ways, impactful, great voice, intense personality, speaks her mind honestly, cares for important issues, and she makes me cry at every concert I’ve been to. Some people just… you just feel their essence in here, and it hits me, makes me feel connected.” His hand is placed over his heart as he meets Alec’s eyes again. 

Alec seems quite surprised, nods, and turns back to his notebook, leaving Magnus wondering whether he said too much, whether Alec knows at all what he was talking about, or whether he thinks he’s a bit of a weirdo. In any case, he’s honest about what he feels, and doesn’t care for giving half truths or trivial answers. 

“Iz has been to one of her concerts a couple of years ago, she cried, too.” 

Magnus turns to him again, a smile playing on his lips. “I guess she knows what I’m talking about.” He can see her feeling the same connection. He’ll have to talk to her about it next time he gets a chance. 

Alec shrugs a little, nods, and fishes something out of his coat pocket which is hanging over the back of his chair, like always. One of those sweets, no doubt. Magnus grins a little. “What is this addiction of yours called then? You have me curious.” 

Alec freezes, frowns at him, then he seems to get what he means, looking down at his closed hand with the candy inside, as if he’s unaware of anything being there, shocked to find out that there is.

Magnus’ smile turns into a concerned furrowed brow as Alec doesn’t answer, doesn’t even move, just stares down at his closed hand. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I don’t want to steal it from you.” Magnus quips, turning back to his screen, a weird sensation washing over him, and when Alec moves his hand, putting the candy back into his coat pocket, he feels completely puzzled, but doesn’t dare say anything else about it. 

This time, Alec leaves before him, with just a quick bye, barely glancing his way. Magnus feels bad, as if he did something to upset him, but no matter how much he broods, he can’t figure out what he did. And maybe it has nothing to do with him at all, which is more likely, really. 

He goes home to the Chairman, tells him all about it, and, as most nights, falls asleep to the sound of him purring. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely, kind messages, I've been really touched and didn't think more than a couple of people would care to give it a chance. 
> 
> I didn't mean to post this chapter so soon, but also it's nagging on me a lot, so whatever, I've never had a schedule of any kind where fic is concerned, it just happens messily like my emotions. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy, if so, drop me a smile or so ;-) <3

The next evening, Helen and Aline drop by, which is a wonderful surprise, and they even get Alec talking a bit as they tell them how excited everyone is about D-day, and that word has spread far and wide, and Helen has written several articles about it for her online news magazine that deals with lgbtq+ and disability topics, especially, and is planning on a large feature before, at, and after the event, and they again reassure Magnus that it will turn out fine, and negative voices will be drowned by thousands of positive ones. 

He actually believes it, listening to them, watching their excited faces. Aline gives him a card before they leave, drawn and signed by her class, thanking Magnus and his team for the work they’re doing, and Magnus feels like crying, which he almost can’t suppress, and then he loses his breath as he meets Alec’s gaze by chance, and he’s smiling at him, soft and kind, and that’s when Magnus feels a tear escaping from the corner of his eye, and he has to excuse himself to catch his breath in the bathroom.

Too many emotions, and that smile truly staggered him. It was only half of one Isabelle gives, and yet, it had the same effect on him, even more of one if he’s honest. Oh, crushing on Alec Lightwood, knowing what he does, is not good. But it’s also too late for that, and when could he ever keep his feelings in check? They do whatever the fuck they want, never asking whether he’s okay with it!

When he returns, Alec looks up with concern. “Are you alright?” 

Magnus nods too fast, smiling a little strained. “Oh yes, just some emotions.” He waves his hand, then thinks it’s an opening he might not get again. “How about you? Are you okay?” He tries to sound as casual, yet, genuinely interested, as possible, not sure whether he’s succeeding.

“Of course, I’m fine.” 

Alec’s response sounds oddly rehearsed to Magnus’ ears, like his standard reply, and it probably is. So, asking him how he is won’t work out, and why should he be honest about it with, basically, a stranger? 

He wakes a lot that night, unable to find restful sleep, and by the time he leaves work to head to his other work, he just wants to drop into his bed, and not get up for ten hours, at least. But he doesn't go home, because this is more important than sleep. And seeing Alec is more important, too.

He finds him carrying in a large box, and to his surprise, stack it onto several more boxes, already inside the room, and suddenly he remembers.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I completely forgot these were coming today. Did you carry them all in yourself?”

“It's no problem.” Alec just says, and Magnus feels oddly endeared, and staring at Alec’s face, his jaw specifically, which is all smoothly shaved like he hasn’t seen before. It makes him look younger, not any less pretty.

“Well, thank you.” 

He quickly takes his coat and shawl off, and grabs a letter opener from his desk, piercing it through the tape and runs it through to open the first box. “Come, have a look.” He smiles softly, and Alec steps up next to him, looking inside.

He's close enough that Magnus can smell his cologne, and, like several times before, the sweet scent of candy. He frowns remembering that strange incident, and quickly distracts himself by pulling out the banners. “I had these custom made, also stickers, badges, and a few other things I was hoping people would like to wear or take as a souvenir at the least, what do you think?”

He turns to look at Alec who's observing the different color banners. Magnus wanted them to represent every person present on the day, so no one would feel excluded.

“They're great, you seem to have thought of everyone.” Their eyes meet, and Magnus feels warmth in his face, smiling softly. 

“I did my best, thank you.” Alec nods, showing a smile so subtle it's hardly there, and yet it makes Magnus' heart jut a little in his chest, his eyes lingering on Alec's face, suddenly aware of Alec's eyes lingering on him, as well. 

Wait, does that mean he's interested? In that way? He finally averts his eyes, checking out more of the banners, but Magnus can't help his mind racing, is it just wishful thinking? Did he imagine it? But a few times before, he gave him such a smile, as well, but at the club he didn't seem impressed. _Bane, what are you doing?_

“Is there something on my face?”

Magnus starts when Alec suddenly looks at him expectantly, a little bit awkward, perhaps, and Magnus kicks himself mentally. “No, your face is perfect.”

He really means it, and not even in a flirtatious manner, yet he notices the blush creeping from Alec's neck into his cheeks, and, wow, it just makes him even more attractive.

He rubs his neck, glances from the box to Magnus and away again, and seems to decide it's time to do more work as he walks off to the desk. Magnus' eyes keep following him, until he sits down and looks up, his face unreadable now, and Magnus finally tears his gaze away, forcing himself to focus on the contents of the box, his heart pounding too loudly in his chest. 

Either Alec thinks he's a little crazy, or... he doesn't know, because he really has no clue what Alec thinks most of the time.

He opens the rest of the boxes and checks whether everything is complete and right, then takes the first to carry it to the back room to store them there for the time being. He turns rather fast to get the next one, colliding with Alec and the box he's carrying. “Oh fuck, sorry, I didn't see you.”

Alec dropped the box and Magnus is holding onto his wrist for some reason he can't recall, maybe afraid he would stumble. Alec is just staring at Magnus' hand around his wrist, and Magnus forgot how to breathe, or think.

“It's alright, don't worry.” Alec doesn't look at him, just bends to lift the box again, and Magnus lets go of his wrist, standing aside to make room. Oh hell, what is he doing? He makes a fast exit to get another box, waiting for Alec to return, and the smile he gives looks as awkward as Magnus feels himself, and they stay quiet as they carry the boxes into the room, then Magnus closes the door before heading back to his desk, glancing at where Alec's already seated again.

“Thank you for your help.”

“You're welcome.” Alec doesn’t look up from the screen.

Magnus sighs inwardly, turns on his computer and drums his fingers on the table as he waits. His head seems to be all over the place, everything that's happened the last few days playing on his mind, like a fragmented dream he can't shake.

He tries for half an hour, then decides tonight just isn't going to work out.

He turns towards Alec. “I'm going home.” He stands and reaches for his shawl.

“Is everything okay?” Alec sounds quite worried, Magnus thinks, but maybe he's imagining that, too.

“I've just had a long day, and I haven't really slept, and don't feel quite like myself. I think it's best if I just leave.”

He grabs his coat and slides into the sleeves.

“Oh, okay, yeah. Sorry you couldn't sleep.”

Magnus gives him a little smile. “Not to worry, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be as fit as a fiddle, and will catch up with what I've missed today.”

“You don't have to.”

Magnus gives him a puzzled look.

“We're not just on time with the schedule, we're actually ahead, so you could take tomorrow off, too, if you want to.”

They're ahead of schedule? Oh. Magnus hadn't realized, but he fully believes Alec would know that. He's been meticulous so far, and Magnus trusts him.

“Well, then, I request you're taking tomorrow off, too.” He wonders whether he will agree to that.

“I might.”

Magnus hums softly, his sleep-derived mind giving him suggestions.

“How about we meet tomorrow evening, but go out for dinner? We can talk about the next steps, but won't have to stare at screens all night, and rather enjoy some good food and wine, if you like.”

Alec seems rather surprised at the offer, and Magnus can literally see the gears turning in his head, and he expects him to decline, which he won't take personally - he hopes.

“Okay.”

Magnus can barely catch himself when his mind catches up with Alec agreeing to his suggestion.

“Okay? Great. Good, so let's meet here at the usual time, I know a great Thai place not far, we could walk from here.”

Alec nods. “I like Thai food.”

“Wonderful, see you tomorrow then, don't stay here too long.” He smiles happily, and heads to the door, his hand on the knob, turning his head again.

“Goodnight, Alec.”

Alec meets his eyes, nods. “Goodnight, Magnus.”

Magnus smiles softly, and leaves, suddenly pondering whether he ever heard him say his name before. He’s sure not like that.

He sleeps much better that night, and the day can’t pass fast enough until their dinner date - which isn’t a real date, Magnus has to remind himself, as he ponders over which shirt to wear, deciding against the one showing more skin. This is half business, after all, but he can’t deny hoping that they’ll get talking about more personal things, as well. 

*

The moment he rounds the corner towards the office building and sets eyes on Alec, he can't seem to look away again.

“You got a haircut.” Magnus has daydreamed a time or two about running his fingers through those thick, soft locks, so he notices the shorter, neater hair instantly, but he still looks as gorgeous, and it's still enough hair to roam through anyway – not that that's going to happen.

Alec glances upwards as if trying to see, his face a little flushed – might be the cold autumn air. “Mhm, thought it was getting too long.”

“Well, it suits you.” Magnus smiles sweetly, imagining the blush on Alec's cheeks intensifying.

“Ready to go?” Alec nods and they walk side by side, but Magnus wants to keep a conversation going if at all possible.

“How was your day?”

“Same as always, just work.”

“Mmm, you work a lot, what do you like to do for leisure?”

Alec seems to ponder too heavily about this, and Magnus hopes this won't be another one of his faux pas that makes him close off.

“I... read, or play the piano sometimes, or work out. Sometimes I go for a run, or swimming... you?” He glances Magnus' way for a moment, who gifts him a lovely smile quickly.

“I heard Jace was the pianist, did you study together?”

“He taught me, actually. He used to take lessons from a very early age, but then... well, he continued when he was older, and then he taught me, but I'm not half as good as he is.”

“Mmm, well, we don't all have to be professionals at everything we do, where's the fun in that?”

Alec nods, and Magnus tells himself to relax, and not try too hard, be natural.

“Do you go out for dinner often? I love that you can get pretty much any type of food here, like entering a different part of the world at every restaurant.”

“Not that often, we used to go to a Mexican place pretty regularly that Iz loves.”

“Not anymore?” Magnus asks cautiously.

“No, not in a while, just... didn't have time.” Magnus nods, trying to be oblivious.

“Hm, I've not had Mexican myself in a while, I should rectify that soon... ah, that's us.” He gestures towards the Thai restaurant and they head inside, are lead to a table in the back, close to some large windows and sit, Alec taking the menu immediately to study it.

“So, Alec, what's your preference in alcoholic beverages?” Magnus deems that kind of question harmless enough, and he finds the small frown that appears in the middle of Alec's brow adorable.

“I don't drink that much, I mean when we were younger, Jace and Iz often dragged me out and we got drunk quite a lot, too, but most of it really doesn't taste any good, and you have to keep drinking to stomach it, you know?”

Magnus feels delighted to hear a story about their adolescence, and those might have been the most words Alec has spoken to him at any one time.

“Yes, I do. There's hardly anything I haven't tried in my youth, but like any fine wine, age has refined my taste buds, as well, and I rather spend a bit more money on the good stuff than down any drab liquor.”

Alec nods. “I quite like red wine, if it's not too dry.”

Magnus perks up at that. “I know just the one for you, then.”

They order and put the menus away, and Magnus watches Alec looking outside. He needs another safe topic, or revisit an old one.

“So, will you join Simon's band for the event?”

Alec looks around abruptly, his eyes a little wide, quickly shaking his head. “No, definitely not. I'm really not good enough for that, and the spotlight isn't my thing, either.”

“Mmm, makes sense, but you will attend, right?” Magnus only just thought of the possibility that maybe he won't, that working behind the scenes is enough for him.

“Um, yeah, I don't think Iz would let me skip it.” He rolls his eyes without any malice, showing a tiny smile, and Magnus feels relieved, and charmed.

“Good, I also want you to come.” So much so, the extent of which only just hit him.

“Yeah?” Alec looks as if he doesn't really believe that and wonders why he would.

“Absolutely, you've been such a great help, and your company has been very pleasant to me, too, you really pulled out the best of my working capability.”

“I did?” He looks even more puzzled and disbelieving, and Magnus chuckles softly.

“Yes, Alec... oh, by the way, is that your full name? Because somehow whenever I say it, I want to prolong it, but that might just be me being weird.” He smiles good-humoredly.

“Ah, yeah, no, it's Alexander, but no one really calls me that.”

Magnus' eyes widen with joy. “Alexander? That makes perfect sense, of course, and sorry if you don't like it, I really love gallant names like that, and it very much suits you.”

Alec gives him another suspicious look that sends a warm shudder through his chest, making him laugh a little. “Alexander, honestly, I'm not bullshitting you. Also forgive me, it already comes out of my mouth as if I never called you any differently, told you I felt something was off.” He smiles placatingly, hoping above all that he hasn't, and won't, offend him.

Alec's face finally relaxes, though, and he huffs a barely audible laugh. “Fine, I don't really mind.”

Magnus feels exceptionally pleased to hear that. “Thank you, Alexander, that's made my night ten times better already.” He grins, and Alec huffs another slightly louder laugh that tickles Magnus' insides, his smile brighter, and Alec's eyes seem to linger for too long, causing Magnus’ heartbeat to erupt, but then they're interrupted by their order arriving.

To his surprise, Alec takes the wine bottle and opens it with sure, swift fingers, and pours a glass for Magnus first, then for himself, and Magnus immediately raises it towards him. “To us, great teamwork, and a very successful event.”

Alec nods, smiling lopsidedly, and Magnus watches him closely as he first smells, then takes a sip from the wine. He doesn't pull a disgusted face, so he takes it as a victory.

“It's nice.”

“I'm glad you think so, wouldn't want to put a bitter taste in your mouth.” Magnus really just wants him to enjoy tonight, it's his greatest wish right now.

The food is delicious, and they talk a little bit about the next few weeks and their plans, but mostly Magnus feels comfortable, also in their quiet moments, and having observed Alexander thoroughly not only tonight, he can tell he is quite relaxed, as well, and hopefully that means he's also enjoying it.

“We must have some dessert.” Magnus hands Alec a menu before he can decline, hoping to prolong their dinner a little more.

Alec looks a little suffering, seemingly stuffed, but he takes the menu anyway, and checks the desserts, and Magnus is giving himself a mental high five.

“What about the mixed dessert in coconut milk?”

Alec shakes his head. “Too sweet.”

“Oh, I thought you liked sweet.”

Magnus notices his mistake instantly, but it's too late to take it back. Alec's shoulders are stiff, his face taut, and his grip on the menu too tight, his gaze unwavering from the spot he's staring at.

Magnus feels quite anxious to save the moment, or tonight might be ruined after all. “So, then, how about the mango sticky rice? I find you can't go wrong with that.” His heart is pounding in his ears, hoping his pretense to not have noticed anything is working in his favor.

“Alright.” It comes after a long moment, and Magnus sags into himself with relief, finally daring to look up from where he was staring down at the table.

“Good choice.” He smiles and waves the waiter over, ordering one for them each, and two glasses of water after asking what else he would like to drink.

“What do you do for a living?”

Magnus is quite surprised to be asked, but Alec really looks interested, and that makes him feel better.

“I'm an artist. I love working with my brain, and my hands, and creating something valuable for someone, and myself. It makes me feel good, like I have a purpose, and maybe make someone's life a little more enjoyable, and I’ve been lucky enough to actually be able to earn my living like that.”

“You do, I mean, just taking on a project like this. I don't know many people who would even think about it, let alone put it into effect. You'll make a lot of lives better, and happier.”

Magnus feels awed by those words, by how earnest Alexander always is. Even though he doesn't speak a lot, what he says is so genuine, and really touches something deep inside Magnus.

“Thank you, that means a lot, and I really hope so.” Alec returns his smile with a small, sweet one of his own, and Magnus wants to reach out, cup his cheeks and kiss him, and that's what makes him come back down to earth. 

He's just glad Alec can't read his mind. He obviously must be fine with people of different sexualities, but that doesn't mean he'd like Magnus to hit on him, it doesn't even mean he's interested in men, but Magnus really wishes he was, particularly in himself, and if he hasn’t interpreted everything completely wrong...

“How long have your sister and Lydia been a couple?” Maybe he can gather a hint or two about him somehow.

“Um, about five years now. Lydia's parents have been working with my parents a few times over a decade, and we saw Lydia at some meetings, business dinners and such, but Iz was actually sure she was just a snob at first, until one night they got talking, and it all went from there. She still found her snobby afterwards, but she was also head over heels for her.” He shakes his head a little, an amused smile shining in his eyes.

“Ah, isn't love just like that?” Magnus muses, and Alec shrugs, and Magnus feels bold enough to take that as an opening.

“Have you not been in love before?” For all Magnus knows, which isn't a lot, Alec could be in a happy relationship right now, but somehow he thinks it cannot be, with Alec being away from home so much.

He shakes his head, his face quite serious. “Not really, not like that.”

Magnus nods, understanding. “I get it. I've been in love with men and women a dozen times, but it was never meant to last, so it can't have been that kind.”

Alec nods a bit, the expression on his face unreadable to Magnus.

“Well... oh, here comes dessert.” Magnus smiles, regretful, yet glad for the interruption at the same time.

“I’m really glad yours and Lydia’s parents have been supportive of their relationship.” He frowns when he sees Alec’s face. “Or am I wrong in assuming so?”

“Well, Lydia’s parents used to simply ignore it, it was weird. I think they thought it would just… go away. She used to be frustrated and angry at them all the time, rightly so.” 

Magnus is really surprised at that, and upset for Lydia. 

“And now?” He almost doesn’t dare ask, but his curiosity wins.

“They mostly talk about business, and not that much at all. She doesn’t even know whether to invite them to the wedding.” 

Magnus’ mouth drops open. “Wedding? Isabelle and Lydia are getting married? Wow, when?” 

“Not yet, Lydia just asked my advice about proposing to Iz, but she hasn’t done it, yet.” 

“Oh, right. But she will?” Magnus really hopes so, he wants to believe in love, and people being capable of managing to stay together, in love, and happy, for life. 

Alec nods. “Yeah, definitely, she’s just waiting until… um, the right time.” 

Magnus frowns, wondering whether this is about their brother, too, but he cannot ask. He smiles understandingly and nods instead. 

“I’m sure she’ll figure it out, and I won’t spill a word to anyone, promise.” 

Alec nods curtly. “I know.” 

Magnus feels awed that Alec seems to trust him this much, and even admits to it. 

“And your parents? They are not like Lydia’s, are they?” If so, he did misjudge Maryse Lightwood. He doesn’t know their father, so he doesn’t have any impression on him.

“No, they had a bit of a hard time with it at first, but they just had to accept it, and learn to overcome some of their traditional views, which they eventually did… which made it easier on me when I came out.” 

Alec’s hazel eyes are so intense, they’re keeping Magnus paralyzed, their gazes locked, Alec’s words like an echo in his mind. Oh… oh! There’s his answer. A smile stretches his face slowly, unable to hide his joy. 

“I’m happy to hear that, Alexander.” Oh, if only he knew how much. 

Alec smirks faintly, looking down at his plate, and Magnus can’t stop smiling, his belly tingling.

It’s cold enough outside to see their breaths as white puffs of air as they walk along the pathway. Magnus feels a kind of lightness inside him he hasn’t for a while, and that despite the stress of the past weeks. It makes him feel hopeful, and energetic. 

“Alex-”

“So-”

They stare at each other for a split second, then smile amusedly, Alec averting his eyes to the ground, but meeting Magnus’, who can’t tear his gaze away from him, a moment later again.

“I had a nice time, thank you.” 

Magnus feels enamoured with the way Alec talks so sincerely, his eyes warm, soft, earnest, and he really wishes this were a real date, because, you know he would absolutely kiss Alexander Lightwood on a first date. Be a damn shame not to.

He swallows the urge down, a soft, regretful smile playing on his lips. “I’m thrilled to hear that, I had a really good time, as well, thank you for indulging me, maybe we could repeat it some time?” He had to ask, no time like the present. 

Alec purses his lips in a way Magnus hasn’t seen, yet, his eyes lingering there until he speaks.

“Yeah, if we find the time, I’d like that.” Somehow Magnus knows it’s taking a lot for him to say this, to let himself have this, and he feels a weight settle inside his chest. 

He nods. “Me too.” Their eyes stay connected, and Magnus feels as if he’ll forget to breathe at any moment, but then Alec turns away, takes a couple of steps and looks back at him. 

“I’m this way.” He gestures vaguely to his left,

Right, it’s goodbye.

“I’m that way.” Magnus gestures the opposite direction.

“See you tomorrow?” 

Magnus nods quickly. “Definitely.”

Alec’s small smile feels strangely heartrending to Magnus, and he wants to reach out to him, but stays still.

“Okay, goodnight then.” 

“Goodnight, Alexander.” He watches him turn and walk away, his eyes lingering on those long legs until he gets his body moving slowly, feeling an odd heaviness in his limbs, but he arrives at home eventually, remembering all the little expressions on Alec’s face, the way his voice sounded, all those lovely smiles, and looks he gave him.

“Chairman, I think I’m in trouble.” Chairman’s fierce purrs reverberate inside his chest as he’s scratching the cat’s head, staring ahead at one of his artworks on the wall, knowing painfully well the symptoms of himself falling in love. 

*

Magnus has an appointment to go over legal issues with Sebastian the next afternoon, and to his surprise, Lydia is also there, and the appointment drags on as they end up having sushi and sake, having a very interesting and pleasant conversation. These two work very well together, and Magnus feels thoroughly secure in the knowledge they have everything under control, and he doesn’t have to deal with any of that - which is, quite frankly, completely out of his comfort zone and expertise.

He feels nicely buzzed when he enters the office, unprepared for the “Magnus!” that is called his way the moment he enters, his head starting to spin a little as he sees Alec, standing behind his desk, looking intensely at him with a strange expression he can’t interpret in his tipsy state, and memories of their dinner, and his emotions wash over him. 

He feels dizzy, his hand coming up to hold the side of his head, the other gripping onto the door frame.

“Magnus? What’s wrong? Are you okay? What happened?” Alec’s suddenly there, a hand on his back, the other holding onto Magnus’ elbow, the touches seeming to burn through his clothes, straight into his skin, and he isn’t sure how to answer any of those questions.

“Let me help you sit.” Alec supports him to a chair and Magnus sags onto it rather disgracefully, then sips from the bottle of water Alec puts into his hand a minute later.

Finally he feels his wits coming back, at least somewhat. “Sorry, I’m just a little drunk, I had a meeting which got very unbusiness like.” He smiles apologetically, and a little embarrassed. 

Why did he have to make such a fool of himself in front of Alexander? Because it is him. Oh, he’s doomed.

“I see. I wondered whether you couldn’t make it tonight.” 

Magnus lifts his gaze to properly regard him, recognizing the concern on his serious, and seriously handsome face. Oh, he was worried about him? Magnus feels guilty, but also really happy for some strange reason, or maybe not so strange at all. 

“I’m sorry, Alexander, I didn’t think to let you know, and I didn’t expect it to last quite this long.” 

Alec shakes his head, pushing his hands into the pockets of his suit pants. “No, it’s fine, you don’t have to inform me about everything. I-” He trails off, glances at Magnus, then walks away, and Magnus wants to jump up and hold him back, but he thinks he might be more drunk than he previously thought, and he would probably fall on his face - and that would be entirely too much embarrassment for one night.

“What did you want to say?” He uses his feet to roll with the chair towards Alec’s desk, at the moment not caring what that looks like. 

“Nothing.” Alec glances at him, but quickly averts his eyes again, and Magnus feels like an idiot. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t tend to drink while working, Lydia and Sebastian were off the clock, and we were just having a good time.” 

Alec’s features soften as he looks at him. “You were with Lydia? It’s fine, Magnus. Technically you were off the clock, as well, and you really don’t have to justify yourself in front of me, I’m not…”

Magnus follows his gaze, wishing he wouldn’t keep cutting off his sentences. “Alexander?” 

He just shakes his head. “You should probably go home, do you want me to call you a cab?” Their eyes meet again, and Magnus feels a turmoil of things he can’t pinpoint, giving up trying, drowning in those hazel depths instead. 

“You have very pretty eyes, you know?” His head bends sideways onto his propped up hand, an almost goofy smile on his face. 

Alec raises an eyebrow at him, his brow knitted in several folds. “You’re drunk, Magnus.” 

But Magnus is sure he can see the skin over his cheekbones darkening, being so close to him. He can see a lot, actually, his eyes roaming Alec’s face without his control, and he can’t see a thing he doesn’t like, doesn’t want to touch, or kiss. Yes, he’s a little drunk, but that doesn’t mean he’s less honest - in his case, unfortunately even more so, his tongue loose, his brain unable to prevent his mouth from speaking.

“And you’re gorgeous, hasn’t anyone told you that? How did you get your eyebrow scar? And the one on your cheek?” He almost reaches for it. 

“Magnus, let’s just go home, okay? It’s late enough anyway.” 

Magnus frowns, then pouts as Alec closes his notebook and gets up to get dressed. 

“Come on, I’ll wait ‘til you’re inside the car.” He smiles slightly at him, but it reads like pity to Magnus’ inebriated mind, and he sighs deeply before he drags his body up off the chair. 

Alec seems to think he might be too drunk to walk properly as he stays very close without touching him as they make their way down. Magnus feels odd and stays quiet, and somehow he missed Alexander ordering a cab, which is already waiting for him.

“Will you make it home okay?” Alec’s concern is sweet, but it makes Magnus feel like an even greater fool, and he just nods before getting into the car a little clumsily, sulking even more.

“Take care, okay? See you.” Alec’s face appears as he bends down to him, then closes the door, and Magnus feels quite sorry for himself. 

*

He feels utterly embarrassed as he wakes up the next day, not wanting to get out of bed at all, and the Chairman has to bite into his toes several times before he finally feeds him. 

He’s rehearsing his apology to Alexander all day long inside his mind, preoccupied all the time, his heart pounding more and louder as he steps into the building, and office, and when he sees Alec sitting there, typing something, but looking up at him, his brain freezes. 

“Magnus?” 

Oh hell, no, not this again! He quickly puts a smile on his face and strides in, taking off his shawl. “Good evening, Alexander, I hope you’ve had a good day? Mine was mildly successful. I had planned on finishing two pieces for customer commissions, but only managed one, but not to worry, I still have time until the weekend to finish the other one.” 

While talking he discarded his coat and gloves, as well, slightly turning to Alec, who is standing now, observing him in this intense, calm manner he always does, and Magnus just feels exposed. 

“Sorry, I sometimes talk too much, but I promise I won’t disrupt us anymore.” 

“Magnus, it’s okay. You don’t have to be… you don’t have to feel bad about last night.” 

Magnus exhales, letting go of the weight of pretense. “I… know, I just feel a little embarrassed about my demeanor.” 

Alec shows one of his lovely lopsided smiles. “You don’t have to. I grew up with Iz, and Jace, they’re some of the worst drunks, trust me, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.” 

And Magnus can’t not trust him. It’s as if he’s under his spell. He nods. “Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better.” 

Alec smiles subtly, nods, and sits down again, and Magnus is quick to start working, his eyes settling for another moment on Alexander’s profile, unable to suppress his smile.

*

The next day, Magnus is messaging back and forth throughout the day with Isabelle, who finally admitted she had been feeling a little ashamed, and avoided him, but really wanted to get to know him better if he truly wanted the same. Of course Magnus does, and her witty, smart, and lewd comments brighten his day considerably. 

They message still when Magnus is with Alec at the office, so much apparently, even Alec notices and keeps glancing his way, a tiny frown on his face, but he says nothing, and Magnus isn’t sure how he would react to learning that his sister and his… temporary work boss/colleague are getting along really well. 

His phone lights up a second after he sent the last message, and he’s amazed at how fast she answers, but realizes it’s a call - from Simon.

“Simon, hey, is something-” Simon is tumbling over his words, not making any sense until he asks to speak to Alec, and as it sounds really urgent, Magnus gets up and hands the phone to Alexander. “It’s Simon for you, he sounds quite upset.” 

Alec’s frown increases, but he takes the phone. “Alec speaking.” 

Magnus can’t make out what Simon says, but Alec’s expression and body language change drastically, and a moment later he’s off his chair, grabs his coat and scarf with one hand, and heads to the door. “I’ll be right there, don’t let him out of your sight.” He turns and throws the phone at Magnus, and Magnus’ hands somehow move as if on autopilot, catching it while he’s just staring at him.

“I’ll explain later,” is all he says before the door closes behind him. Magnus is perplexed, and worried, but when he tries to call Simon back, he doesn’t answer. 

He sits back down and waits, wishing he had reacted quicker and gone with him, but as it is, he has no idea where he went, where Simon is, why he would call Magnus’ phone to reach Alec, why Alec? They hardly know each other. It makes no sense, but he knows if he knew it would.

He’s playing _Super Starfish_ on his phone until he can’t bear the wait any longer, walks back and forth beside the window front, checking his phone and the time a dozen times, rubbing his fingers together, rearranges the papers on his desk a few times, and finally curses, and calls Simon again. 

“Magnus! Hey, sorry I was busy earlier, we got into a bar fight, well, Jace mostly did, and Maia teaches kickboxing, did you know that? But they didn’t fight each other-”

“Simon, Simon, slow down. What happened with Jace? And is Maia okay? Are you okay?” A bar fight!? Simon!? Oh hell.

“Yes, we are, don’t worry.” He takes a deep breath. “Sorry, I’m just a little in shock still, I guess. We had a good time, but we drank too much, I guess, Jace anyhow, and he seemed sad somehow, and then someone said something, I don’t remember what, but a few guys kept taunting us and hitting on Clary and Maia, and they can take care of themselves better than I can, as you know, but Jace got really into the guy’s face, and wham, his fist flew into his face, and it all went crazy from there, but we got out, but then, he just… collapsed, and cried, and wouldn’t talk to anyone, and he wouldn’t give us his phone, so I thought to call you to speak to Alec.” He takes a breath again, the pause giving Magnus chance to catch up with it all.

“Are you still with them?” 

“No, Alec came and whatever he said to him worked, and he took him home.” 

“Magnus?”

“Yes, I’m here, just thinking, are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yes, we went to Maia’s place, and we’re still there. I’ll sleep over at Clary’s later, so don’t worry about us.” 

“Okay, good, take care of each other, I’ll speak to you soon.”

Magnus ends the call, feeling partly relieved, but newly worried about Jace, and Alec, and remembering what Isabelle told him about them, he thinks the whole thing might have resulted from Jace’s grief, but then Alec is probably the best person to be with him. He needs to remind himself that he’s really no one to them in relation. 

He notices Alec’s notebook, not even closed at the desk, and carefully closes the lid. He doesn’t know whether he needs it for work tomorrow, or not. He could ask him, but he still doesn’t have his number. Why does all of it feel so strange? Whenever people are involved, it becomes that, though, especially when his damn feelings get in the way. He just can’t help it.

He decides to leave it there, and head home as he can’t focus anymore tonight anyway, and it’s past 10pm, but to his surprise the door opens, and Isabelle steps in, a small smile not hiding the sadness in her eyes.

“Isabelle?” Why is she here and not with Jace and Alec?

“Magnus, I’m sorry to barge in like this, I just wanted to see whether you’re okay, and get Alec’s notebook.” 

“I’m fine, but are you?” He steps closer, unsure whether to offer comfort or not.

She presses her lips together slightly, her expression growing sadder, and it’s all the answer he needs, but she seems determined not to cry, taking deep breaths and pressing her fingers into her eyes for a moment.

“Do you know what happened?” She asks as she looks at him, then walks past him to take the notebook. 

“Yes, Simon caught me up. Do you know whether Jace is badly hurt, though?” 

“Just a bruised face, he’s had worse.” Magnus watches her and waits until she looks at him again.

“When he drinks and gets upset, it often ends in him getting injured. We just hoped it would get better, being out with his new friends really seemed to do him well, but it’s all just bandaids. I feel that, too. We laugh, we go to work, we do everything that we have to do, and want to do, but it never feels like before, it’s never right anymore.” She gazes up into his eyes. “But you know it, too, don’t you?” 

A cold shower runs along his spine, his stomach coiling painfully, but he nods. “I do.”

She averts her eyes. “Lydia mentioned it, I’m very sorry.” She glances up again, and moves to hug him, and Magnus wraps his arms around her, holding her without saying anything for a long moment.

“I’m sorry, I better go check up on my brothers.” She pulls back and Magnus shakes his head, smiling softly. “No need to apologize, for anything. Thank you for dropping by, and I hope Jace will feel better soon, all of you.” And he wishes he could do something, anything, for any of them. 

“Thank you, Magnus. Take care of yourself, okay?” He nods and watches her leave, and he feels so drained suddenly, and somber. He heads home to be with the Chairman as it’s too late to drop by Cat’s, or Ragnor’s. 

*

He’s wondering all day whether Alexander will even be there, but when 6pm arrives, he enters the office, greets Magnus, and heads to his desk, setting up his notebook. Magnus watches him unmoving for a couple of minutes, wondering whether he knows that Magnus knows - everything? Just about last night? Or whether he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, and just pretends nothing happened? Magnus wishes he would talk. He wishes he could ask. 

He could, but somehow he doesn’t dare. He wants this to come from him, him to make a start, but staring at his profile, watching his fingers fly over the keys, he very much doubts it will. 

He feels quite despondent, like he just imagined them getting closer, trusting one another, wanting to get to know each other better. It’s very clear to him, right in this moment, that Alexander doesn’t feel that way, that he can get an emergency call via Magnus’ phone, leave, tell him he’ll explain later, come back and act as if nothing happened, as if he didn’t owe him an explanation, even the consideration that maybe he’s been worried, that maybe he’s been restless most of the night, and today, wondering how they were doing. 

But why should he think of Magnus like that? Why think of someone he merely works for, for a voluntary project he’ll never see again after it’s finished. Magnus knows his thoughts are spiraling downwards, but he doesn’t care right now, or maybe doesn’t want to. He really wanted him to feel the same, even just a little, even just care enough. 

Clearly, he got it all wrong. He gets up and leaves towards the other room where the coffee machine sits on a table, and busies himself making one, though he swore to cut down caffeine in the evening. He doesn’t care tonight.

An image of Ragnor scolding him with a mere almost bored look invades his mind, and Magnus tells him to shut up. A more comforting image of Catarina, and Dot appears, but they too tell him to not be an idiot. “Oh, I know, just shut it.” He sighs, grabs the mug and turns, and almost spills the hot liquid when he finds Alexander standing in the doorway, looking like a deer caught in a headlight.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

What did he say?! He panics. “No, no, not you, I didn’t mean you! I was just talking to… myself.” He begs that Alec will think he’s a nutcase, and not that he actually told him to shut up when he clearly meant to say something just now.

“Oh, okay.” Alec seems a bit flustered, unsure of what to do with his hands, finally crossing them behind his back. 

“What did you want to say? You can talk to me, whatever it is.” If he doesn’t actually think Magnus is mad.

“I just… um, Iz said she told you about what happened to Jace last night, so, you know.” 

Oh, right. He wishes he knew what she told him he knows exactly, though. He nods. “She said he was upset, and got into a fight, well, actually Simon told me that part.” He shuts himself up quickly.

“Oh, yeah, he tends to deal, or not deal like that, used to anyway. But old habits…” 

Magnus nods again, wishing Alec would say more, tell him how _he_ feels.

“Is he… better today?” He asks carefully.

“Yeah, I stayed with him last night, and half the day, and then he went out with friends. It’s better he’s not on his own when he’s… like that.” 

_Like what?_

“Good, that’s good. I’m glad he has you to look after him.” 

Alec nods, his lips twitching into the faintest smile, then he turns to head out.

“What about you? Do you have someone like that?” Magnus’ heart is drumming out of his chest, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Alec is tense, frozen in place, and Magnus expects him to just walk off, maybe even out of the office without a word, but slowly, he turns back to him, not meeting his eyes. “I’m fine.” 

Magnus should let it go, he knows he has to.

“No one’s always fine. We all need someone to be there for us at times, we’re allowed to not be fine, Alexander.” He feels desperate to reach him somehow, at the same time fully expecting his words to count for nothing.

Alec looks up at him, sharply, intense, emotions battling inside him. “I’m fine.” It’s merely a whisper this time, and he leaves quickly, and Magnus exhales the breath he was holding, cursing himself.

They work quietly until it’s time to go home, and Alec throws him a quick goodnight before he leaves first. 

Magnus closes his palms over his face, his eyes shut, sighing deeply, drops his hands and leans backwards, craning his neck. He doesn’t want to even think anymore tonight, whether he can fix this, or not, is a matter for tomorrow. Sometimes it’s just too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one will probably come at the end of next week, still gotta finish the last part and work's a lot atm.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a lot about this one, especially Alec's POV... it's just very... real, raw, deep, personal... and more I can't put into words...
> 
> Also warning for sexual content in this one.

He brings takeout this time because he hasn’t managed to eat since lunch, and maybe Alexander is hungry, as well, and maybe it will give them a chance to talk a bit, and if not, then- he stops dead when he enters the room, spotting the takeout boxes on Alec’s desk. He blinks and glances up at him, looking as surprised as Magnus himself, and a little bashful.

“Great minds think alike?” 

Magnus can’t but smile softly, something pulling inside his chest, and nods, stepping inside. “I hope you’re hungry.” He places his boxes with the others.

“I am, and I was hoping you were, too.” 

Magnus wonders whether Alec’s aware of himself licking his lips in a way so subtle, it’s easy to miss, yet unbearably attractive in Magnus’ eyes, and the way he’s looking up at him with those gorgeous eyes, is drawing bumps on his skin. 

“Mmm, indeed, I am. Maybe in the future you can give me your number, then we can better coordinate.” He smirks, and grabs his chair to drag it over, and finds Alec holding out his hand as he turns back.

Magnus gives him a puzzled look, and Alec cocks an eyebrow. “Give me your phone.” 

Oh… oh! Magnus is quick to hand it over, drapes his shawl and coat over the chair and sits down, all the while watching him type into his phone, goosebumps running over one side of his neck.

“Here you go.” 

Magnus takes it from him, glances at the screen, and feels a rush of tingles inside him when he sees  _ Alexander L.  _ written on the display. He smiles and looks up, clearly seeing the blush on Alexander’s face this time.

“I, uh, in case you know other Alexanders.” He rubs his neck, and licks his lips in that way again, and Magnus wishes he could leap at him, wrap him up and smooch the shit out of him.  _ Wow, calm down. _

“It’s fine, but I really don’t. You’re very special.” He suppresses the laugh that wants to escape when Alec’s ears are basically burning with the flush. 

He busies himself by opening boxes, giving Alexander a moment to compose himself. 

“At least the food is complimentary.” He smiles softly at him, handing Alec a fork he takes, nods, and flashes a small, crooked smile. They eat in comfortable silence. 

Once they’re almost too full to move, they clear the empty boxes away, reaching for the same one at the same time, their hands touching. Magnus’ breath hitches as Alec doesn’t immediately pull his hand away, his fingers moving ever so lightly, a soft caress along Magnus’ knuckle.

He watches in sheer fascination for the second it lasts, then their heads turn, eyes locking, and he might have thought he was dreaming, but Alexander looks suddenly alarmed, his hand gone in a flash, his face flushed. “Sorry.” 

Magnus shakes his head, struggling with words for a moment. “No, don’t worry, I don’t mind.” 

Alec stands, quickly sorts the boxes by size and stacks them all into each other, then walks off to bin them in the other room while Magnus stares after him, puzzled, longing, his knuckle still tingling.

Magnus can’t tell why exactly, but when he comes back, Alec seems closed off, putting more of a distance between them. Magnus’ courage sinks again, is he regretting it? Not interested after all? Or just too shy? Insecure? Magnus’ eyes follow him as he walks back to the desk where Magnus is still sitting with his chair, as well, but Alec doesn’t sit down, his expression serious, his brow wrinkled.

Magnus is about to say something when Alec beats him to it. “I’m sorry, I think I’m done for today, there’s not really anything to do right now, and I have something else to… um, take care of.” He closes his notebook swiftly, and grabs his coat.

Magnus stands, wondering whether that’s true or just an excuse to get away from him.

“Alexander, it’s-”

“I really have to go.” 

Alec sounds adamant and Magnus closes his mouth, watching him until the door shuts behind him. Not even a goodnight? Magnus doesn’t get him, and it’s really starting to frustrate him.

*

Alec is mad at himself, because it's the easiest, least arduous emotion he can muster. Anger eats everything else on the surface, gives him a way out of the fragile glass case he's sitting in, his fists hitting the glass wall over and over and over, yet it doesn't shatter. 

Sometimes he's longing for the glass to break, to feel the shards cut his hands, to feel the blood, to watch it running down over his skin.

Mostly, he's busy keeping his hands still, so they won't accidentally break the glass, and crush him. It's a fine line, a constant struggle to keep the balance that's barely there, barely keeping him afloat.

It's been three months. No time at all. An eternity. Sometimes he can't breathe from one moment to the next. Sometimes he feels as if it never even happened. Sometimes he thinks he might just be able to live with it. Mostly he overshadows the despair, the guilt, the unfathomable cruelty, the surrealism of it, with anger, indifference, detachment.

He can function on the outside, almost as well as he used to. He can do anything that's expected of him; work, look after his family, go shopping, take care of the house, work more for the project. He loves it, he loves that Magnus is doing it, but he also hates it, because he's reminded every single day, more so than before. But he can't quit. Because he committed to it, and once he does, that's it. And because he would have to explain why. And he couldn’t.

He only cries when he checked every room at the house to be sure he's on his own. He only screams into his hands, pressed over his mouth, or into a pillow. He only lets part of the grief out when no one can notice anything, when no one could ask about it. Because he won't talk about it. He can't.

He tried once, and a noose was pulled tightly around his neck, suffocating every word, every breath, leaving him mute, without air. So he never tried again. He knows it's futile. He knows it won't change anything, won't make it better, won't remedy his mistakes, won't amend his guilt. It would only hurt them more, and they mustn't be hurt more, especially not by him, especially not by worrying about him when he doesn't deserve it, when the thought alone makes him want to punch his fist through a wall, or his head.

So, he doesn't talk about it, doesn't cry, doesn't grieve.

He fishes out a piece of candy from his coat pocket, unwraps the white and red paper, and puts it into his mouth, the sweetness of it puckering his lips, but he's almost used to it by now.

He thought no one had noticed, that no one would notice, because what he does that is connected to  _ him _ , feels unreal. Like he's invisible, because no one can see, no one can hear, no one knows. And is it even real then?

It felt real when Magnus asked him. It felt as if he was plunged into sharp, shrieking color when before he was existing in gray and black and white. He can't describe what that did to him, but it wasn't supposed to happen like this, it wasn't supposed to happen at all. A stranger noticing it, asking him about it. Making it  _ real  _ when it's not supposed to be. Only he himself knows, only he himself can know.

But Magnus knows – something. Alec is aware of it, can feel the itch under his skin. He doesn't care how he knows, or since when, or that he hasn't mentioned it. He knows, and he mustn't ask him about it, that's all Alec cares about. Because he couldn't say how he'd react, if his glass case would shatter just like that. He's scared of it, dreading it, wants to make sure it won't ever happen.

It's different with his family, because he knows them, he knows how and when to hold them, what to say to them, how to comfort them, he knows their grief individually, and how to act. It's something he can do. Something that got familiar very fast.

Magnus is an abnormality. He doesn't know him, he doesn't know how he'd react, what he'd do or say, or how he himself would act. There are too many unknown factors, too many surprises. And he already got surprised too often; the way he feels drawn to him – when did it start? He can't remember. 

When he said yes to dinner, when he finds himself smiling, wanting to tell him things, even more wanting to learn things about him, catching himself smiling, blushing, flirting? Magnus has been flirting with him, getting closer, being friendly. And Alec is mad at himself for the way he reacts towards him, as if he forgets for a moment, but then he feels cold, guilty, angry. And then he gets mad for treating him that way, because he doesn't deserve it.

And he's scared of the day Magnus will ask for an explanation, because Alec knows he won't be able to give him one, because the glass will crash all around him, and no one wants a bleeding, crying, frail coward in their life.

And he's mad at Magnus, for getting inside his head, but more so at himself, for letting him. And not just in his head; his heart has changed, and he can't seem to change it back.

He couldn't even put into words what it is about him. But, so far, there's been nothing off-putting, no bad smell, no ugly feet – granted, he hasn't seen his feet, but his hands are so pretty, and his body so well-built, so elegant, yet strong, slim, yet broad – and he has spent entirely too much time thinking about him. 

The way he talks to him, looks at him, as if he was the only person there, even among a crowd. The way he smiles at him, scrunches his nose in such an adorable way, rolls his eyes, gestures with his pretty hands, and colored nails. His thighs. His shoulders. His _ face _ . That face is like an artwork in itself, no wonder he's an artist. 

Alec keeps reprimanding himself for all these crazy, silly thoughts, yet, is unable to stop his mind from going there, because it makes him  _ feel. _

Alive without anger, or pain. When he lets himself think about Magnus, there are only nice things, only good feelings, only tingles in his belly, and warmth in his chest, a longing to be closer.

But closer means... opening up, and he can't do that. It would end in disaster, and he doesn't want to deal with that, isn't sure he  _ could _ deal with it.

And Magnus is smart, he would know, and he cares a lot, so he would ask, and he would be there, and see all the ugliness, find out the truth, and leave, eventually, or immediately.

Alec hates himself, but is still scared of others hating him, though he knows he deserves it, so he hates himself as much as possible, but there are cracks, brighter moments, questioning whether he truly deserves it... The answer is always  _ yes _ , but there's still wishing one day it might turn into  _ no _ .

He still has hope somewhere inside him, but it's mostly crushed by a heaviness he can't shake; anger, grief, despair, hate.

Magnus makes it harder to function as he did before. Magnus makes him feel things he shouldn't feel, doesn't deserve to feel, doesn't know what to do with. And they make him bolder, and rebellious. And they rip those cracks open further, parts of him leaking out he wants to keep hidden, but cannot.

And another part of him wants them all torn up, bleeding out until there's nothing left but raw flesh, and true emotions. And if everyone left him, so be it. He would deserve it then.

But his walls are too high, too thick, impenetrable. Or so he thought, before Magnus started scratching at them.

It's his eyes; dark, warm, vivid, sparkling if the light hits them just right, sometimes fiery with passion, sometimes so gentle, intrigued, piercing. He doesn't ever want to look away. And his voice; smooth, soft, soothing, or funny and high-pitched, sending shivers through Alec, especially when he calls him by his full name. He loves and hates that, too. 

He loves and hates how close he feels to him in those moments at the office, just the two of them, the world left outside, when he finds himself longing for Magnus' presence, and attention, for a look, a friendly word, a harmless question Alec can answer, knowing Magnus cares.

And lately, he's been feeling ashamed for his thoughts. For imagining touching, and kissing him, and Magnus touching, and kissing him, and not because he's ashamed of feeling like that for a man, or being shy, but because he's trying so hard to maintain a distance, to protect Magnus even more than himself, to stay detached so he can continue to function.

And he's failing harder every day, because he's falling harder every day.

He's exhausted, in every way a human being can be so, and he has no idea what to do about it.

He keeps telling himself that it will be okay, somehow, some day, he just needs to go on, day by day, be there for Jace, Iz, his mom, and dad, and it will be alright. But nothing feels alright. It's a farce, a pretense, a lie. It's complete chaos, utter disarray, the world crooked, and he's walking upside down on it, pretending that everything's normal, that he's unaware of the precipice beneath his feet, that he isn't steering towards a cliff, a hole which, once he's fallen into, he won't be able to climb out of.

He's deeply aware of it all, yet unable, or unwilling to acknowledge it, and do something about it.

**_Because death changes everything._ **

*

Magnus becomes aware of it the moment Alec steps into the room the next evening. Not only is he half an hour late, which wouldn’t matter, except Alec’s always been punctual on the dot up to now, but Magnus notices the tension, the heaviness surrounding him, the way his shoulders are slumped, his steps slowed, his face pale, his eyes red and dull, telling of missing sleep, even more of hidden sorrow, just that it seems to have finally caught up with him.

He greets Magnus curtly without looking at him, but Magnus is looking. He might stare a hole into Alec’s face if he could, but either Alec is truly oblivious, or he’s doing his best to ignore him.

Magnus has no idea what to do, or say. Does he just let him be, obviously hurting inside, until he leaves, and the same happens tomorrow? Or does he say something, which will most likely turn into an argument, maybe worse, and… lose? 

He can’t focus on anything but Alec, and he watches the clock hands ticking by, unease and anxiety growing inside him, until he thinks he might burst if he doesn’t do something,  _ anything _ . 

The moment he turns in his chair, however, it’s as if Alec is activated by an invisible switch, getting off of his chair just a little too quickly. “‘M gonna make coffee.” And Magnus watches those long legs stride away from him, feeling as if he’s fleeing from him, and he deflates a little.

He rubs his temple that has started throbbing lightly a while ago, suddenly perceiving it as if it’s trying to split his head open, and listens to the muffled sound of the coffee maker through the closed door. He stands slowly, his hands moving up as he lightly crosses his arms, feeling a mix of insecurity, and misery, unable to take his eyes off of the door. 

He needs him to come out again, but he’s afraid of what might happen when he does. But this state of silence oppressing him and screaming at him, he cannot take any longer. He knows these things only fester and become worse, and they won’t be able to continue working, and moreover he wants to… help. Somehow, in any small way he could. But he fears Alec won’t let him, and he fears what this might mean for their collaboration, but then it’s much more than that now, at least for Magnus. 

The time it takes for Alec to come back out seems like half an eternity to him, and he holds his breath, his heart leaping when the door finally opens again. Alec isn’t holding even one cup, his hand on the handle, his posture hunched, his eyes on the ground, his whole demeanor downcast, and Magnus doesn’t know what it means, but he knows it’s important, and he could ruin this in a way he couldn’t come back from in several ways, dread coiling painfully inside his stomach.

“Alexander?” He almost whispers, his voice meek, his heart wary, his eyes suddenly wide as Alec looks up, his eyes burning right through him, and he wants to look away from the intensity of his gaze, filled with anguish he wasn’t prepared for, but cannot escape from. 

He can only watch as Alec closes his eyes, a silent sigh shaking his body, his grip loosening, his hand falling off of the door handle, and he stands motionless for a moment.

“It’s o-” 

Alec’s eyes fly open and he strides closer so quickly, Magnus takes a startled step back, a surprised gasp fleeing from his mouth, gaping at Alec who is right in front of him now, his body trembling slightly - with tension? Fear? Something else Magnus can’t tell, his gaze dropping to Alec’s hands which are half lifted between them, almost touching his chest, but it’s like there’s an invisible barrier Alec can’t breach. 

Magnus swallows, holding back every word, trying to find the answer in those hazel depths that still look pained, torn, lost, and warring, and all Magnus hopes, and wishes is for Alexander to know that it’s okay, it’s fine, whatever it is, whatever will be.

And then the barrier breaks, and Magnus feels the breath pulled from his mouth by Alec’s lips, his brain barely catching up, his hands faster, moving to touch Alec’s upper arms as he feels them slipping around his waist, his heartbeat bursting his eardrums with the sounds of wet lips and sharp breaths.

Magnus feels dizzy when that mouth and those arms suddenly let go of him, and he staggers lightly, blinking his eyes open, confused and hazy.

“I’m sorry, I…” Alec seems shocked, and he moves back further, turns, lifts his arms over his head and runs his fingers anxiously through his hair, and Magnus is trying to get his wits back, to catch up with what’s been happening. 

“I should leave.” Alec turns, pointedly looking away from him to get his stuff, pushing Magnus into action.

“No, please, you mustn’t.” He’s almost certain if he lets him leave right now, he won’t come back. He steps closer slowly, not wanting to force him into a corner. 

“Please, it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about that… I like you - a lot.” He hopes this is part of why Alec is reacting this way, thinking Magnus doesn’t feel the same. 

Alec looks up, trepidation all over his face, his coat gripped tightly in his hands, his knuckles white, his body tense and still, his eyes sad. “No, you… You really can’t.” 

He’s still a little out of breath, worried in a way Magnus doesn’t fully get, but knows he must try to placate.

“Yes, I can, Alexander, and I do, and it’s okay. Whatever you feel is okay, too. I’m not judging, and I don’t want to hurt you in any way, I just want to be here with you, like this, in whatever way you want, just please don’t leave.” He’s been moving closer to Alec as slowly as he managed, only fully realizing it now he’s almost face to face with him again, and Alec hasn’t moved, but isn’t looking at him. 

“I promise there’s nothing to fear from me.” His hand is a little shaky as it comes to rest on Alec’s shoulder, his body’s abrupt movement making him jump a little, his hand slipping down to Alec’s chest, baring his rapid heartbeat.

He glances up startled, their eyes locking intently, and this time when Alec moves, Magnus meets him halfway, too great the desire to feel him again. 

Magnus is lost in delirious heat, Alec’s tongue exploring his mouth, keenly tasting him, his hands running over his body, seemingly trying to touch all of him at once, and he can merely hold onto him, his fingertips dug into Alec’s biceps, soft moans turning fierce, sudden vertigo washing over him as he’s swiftly pulled around, his ass hitting the desk, eager fingers gripping and dragging up his top, his chest shuddering as hot skin is exposed to cool air, Alexander’s mouth latching onto his neck, his fingers pulling down his collar, Magnus’ eyes flying shut with too many overwhelming sensations.

He groans as Alec’s tongue laps onto a nipple, wet lips leaving their marks all over his chest, moving further down over his abs and stomach, as his pants are unbuttoned and moved out of the way, his cock exposed, and soon surrounded by a wet, warm mouth, driving every thought and sense from his brain. 

He’s reduced to galvanizing sensations, tearing moan after moan from deep within, his grip on the edge of the desk almost painful, his fingers tangled in Alec’s hair, finally getting to run them through it as he imagined dozens of times, the sounds coming from his mouth reverberating all through him until colors spark before his eyes, his cry of release unbridled. 

His chest heaves with the intensity of his breathing, his head tilted backwards, both hands gripping the desk, a sudden touch of fingers running over his pelvis drawing a gasp, constricting his muscles, his head moving straight as his eyes open, flush, wet lips in view, and he doesn’t even take a moment to think before he pushes forward, covers his mouth and grabs Alec’s neck to keep him right there, as close as possible, swallowing their moans as he’s tasting himself on his lips. 

Alec pushes closer, grinding against him, drawing Magnus’ attention to how hard he is, making him instantly divert his hand from moving up Alec’s chest to opening his jeans, pushing inside his underwear to take him into his hand, Alec’s relieved, yet needy groan spurring him on to tone up his touch, wanting nothing more than to hear, feel, and see him come by his own hand. 

Alec’s kisses turn frantic, forcing the air from Magnus’ lungs in a way that feels addictive, his hips thrusting into his hand, Magnus’ fingers slick against Alec’s cock, thick and hot, his groans vibrating on Magnus’ body as he presses his forehead against the crook of his neck, sucking on the same spot, his teeth slightly grazing, the pressure suddenly sharper as his body tenses vigorously before he comes, his cries stifled, lost in Magnus’ skin. 

Magnus brings his unspoiled hand up to run his fingers soothingly through Alec’s hair, his skin damp, his breathing hot against his neck, and he feels as if they could forever stay in this moment. But a minute later, he feels how uncomfortable this position has gotten, his ass numb from being pressed against the table for so long, his left foot cramping, and he moves slowly, not wanting to scare Alec off, but he seems more perceptive than Magnus would have expected, shifting away instantly, a crease on his cheek from Magnus’ collar, eyes dark and strangely shielded, his hair a beautiful mess, his skin flushed. 

He glances away, grabs a few of the leftover napkins and cleans up a bit before sorting his clothes, Magnus taking the opportunity to wipe his hand on another napkin before he straightens his own clothes, and closes his pants.

Their gazes meet suddenly, and Magnus smiles softly, hoping Alec’s quiet conduct isn’t a sign of concern. But when he averts his eyes, a lump starts to form in Magnus’ throat. 

“There’s no need to regret it, or worry. It’s okay if you don’t want to do this again, and it’s okay if you do.”  _ Just talk to me. Please. _

Alec seems taut and heavy-hearted, and oddly still, apart from his thumb and forefinger rubbing together, but a sudden sigh jolts through him, eradicating some of the tension he must hold inside his bones. 

“I don’t know.” There’s a heartbreaking apology, a deep-rooted helplessness, a silent cry for help inside his achingly pretty eyes, and Magnus feels the cracks ripping his chest apart.

“That’s okay, too.” His hand moves weakly, but falls back to his side limply, afraid to touch, to still ruin this terribly fragile thing between them that seems to be less than disastrous right now, but who knows what a wrong act or word could do. 

“I’m sorry.”

Alec’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears, and all Magnus can do to remain calm on the outside is cross his arms behind his back and pinch his own hand hard. He shakes his head, wishing he could console him. 

“Don’t be, it’s alright.” He tries again, his words’ meaning growing fainter, his confidence fading.

Alec looks away, takes a deep breath, cards a hand over his face and through his hair, then turns slightly, seeming a little taller. “I have to go.” 

Magnus wants him to stay, to talk, but he knows it won’t happen tonight. He nods and watches him getting dressed. “Just promise you won’t disappear on me, that you’ll come back.” If he does, he will believe him. 

Alec looks up at him, his words taking effect, and Magnus is relieved to see that he seems genuinely surprised at the assumption he might not return. “I will.” 

Magnus can breathe a little easier again. “Okay, see you soon then, goodnight. “

Alec nods, taking his notebook last. “Goodnight.” 

Their eyes stay locked for a moment too long, and Magnus wishes he would say whatever’s on his mind, but instead he watches his back until he’s gone, then slumps into his chair, hitting the back of the headrest a little too hard. 

“Fuck!” He clasps his face with his hands, eyes shut, his head shaking, trying, and failing to make sense of it.

*

He feels as if he’s wandering inside a dream, lasting through the walk to the subway, the crowded ride with a dozen strange smells, the final walk home. His head is still there, still inside that room, which ceased being a room when  _ he _ happened. Everything just fell away, became inconsequential, paused to exist.

His head was fighting, as it always does, at no time permitting him to take the easy way, always overthinking, finding every possible reason not to do something he wants, or forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to. And he’s never denied himself more than the past three months. 

But  _ he  _ makes it unbearable. He reaches into him, wraps his hand around the cold, wretched bleakness, and pulls it out of him; with a smile, a few friendly words, a look that warms his bones. And Alec has no fucking clue how he does it, how he’s wormed himself so deeply inside him that he’s not able to lose the battle with his head anymore. 

He hasn’t slept, plagued by memories, guilt, and grief. He has just been functioning, on and on and on, because that’s what his head tells him he must do. So that’s what he does. 

But with  _ him  _ the lines get blurred, the pain lessens, too distracted to take up all the space inside him, and he feels more than that he’s merely existing, and he gets careless, because the longing fills him, craving more of it, craving to feel  _ alive _ , when he should not want to be. 

And here he is, breathing heavily as if he just came up for air, moving fast, closing the door, rushing to the hall, undressing shoes, and coat, gloves and scarf, striding to his room, grabbing fresh clothes from his closet, rushing to the bathroom, all the while feeling the uncomfortable dampness in his pants, the memory of how it got there fixating his mind, and the urgency to get rid of it, warring. 

He strips, throws his clothes into the washing and steps under the shower, bites down on his lip when the first cold seconds hit, then warmth, heat taking over, the burn almost too much, but just enough, leaving his skin red and raw.

He’s not ashamed of the sex, but he is of the why and how and leaving him like that. He thought he wouldn’t return, that he’d run away? Where would he run to? He can’t run from anything. He’s trapped in this house, in his work, in that office, though it has felt like a piece of freedom.  _ Voluntary _ work. Doing something good, something important, something meaningful. Working towards redemption. As if that were possible. At least he could try. 

But he’s making a mess of that, too, because  _ he  _ is… but he can’t put any blame on him, only himself. And he feels his body give in under the weight of it all, as he curls up on the shower floor and hugs his knees, holding back the tears like lava behind his eyes, waiting to erupt.

He turns the washing machine on, gets dressed, and disappears in his room, hoping his mother won’t come looking for him, because the guilt will grow when he pretends to be asleep. 

All night, he drifts in and out of consciousness, restlessness covers him in sweat, flashes of horrible memories mingling with those of rough kisses, warm hands, salty skin, and breathless moans, and he feels drained and manic, once he’s fully awake at 4.51 am. 

He takes another hot shower, puts on his running clothes, and leaves the house at 5.23 am. 

At 5.55 pm, he’s sucking on a piece of grossly sweet candy as he steps into the elevator that goes up to the office. 

At 5.59 pm his hand grips the door handle, but his body won’t move as he notices how fast his heart is beating, unprepared for this encounter, though inevitable. And maybe, nothing has changed. 

But, of course, everything has. He’s frozen with his hand on the handle as he stares at Magnus’ back, moving to the rhythm of P!nk’s  _ Raise Your Glass _ in front of a large canvas, a paintbrush and color palette in his hands, the canvas covered in a multitude of colors, but Alec can only watch the muscles moving on Magnus’ back, and ass. And he’s singing. 

Maybe he’s still dreaming.

He doesn’t even know what to do, or say, whether he should do or say anything. He feels completely lost as to what this means, and he decides to turn back and walk out before he can be spotted, feeling alienated.

“Oh fuck! Damnit!” 

Alec startles and turns before he can help himself at Magnus’ sudden outburst. He dropped the palette and paintbrush, and is just moving around the canvas, wearing a white shirt with the front splattered all over with color. He grabs the canvas when his eyes suddenly lock on him, widening in surprise.

Alec wishes he had left, and spared them both this surreal, and awkward situation. 

“Alexander, you’re here! I mean, of course, you are.” Magnus’ smile is strained, and Alec frowns a little, trying to find the words to… apologize? He’s not really sure at all, about anything.

Magnus lets go of the canvas and rushes to his computer to turn the music down. “Sorry, I honestly got so lost in the art, I didn’t notice it was our time already. Let me just clean this up.” He heads back to the canvas, grips it firmly and carries it to the other room, rushes back and grabs the rest of his utensils, throwing Alec a quick, embarrassed smile, before he disappears again.

Alec still hasn’t moved, and he’s not sure whether he should stay, but if he left now… no. He tells his legs to move and puts down his notebook, and unwraps his scarf when Magnus reappears, making a gesture as if he was dusting off his hands. 

“So, I’m glad to see you here, very much on time, as always.” Magnus is still smiling that strange smile, and Alec halts in his movement. 

“I can go, and you can finish your painting.” 

“Oh no no no no! No way, I spent too much time on it anyway, you have to stay.” His expression feels a little intense, until he suddenly glances down at himself, and then quickly unbuttons the color splashed shirt and shrugs out of it, crumples it up and drops it under his desk, revealing a gray-blue dress shirt underneath. 

“Okay.” Alec looks away quickly, the tight fit of that shirt bringing up memories from last night of warm skin, and broad muscles and how they moved under his hands, and tongue. 

The room is too small and stuffy suddenly. He shouldn’t have come. He feels taut to the point of pain, but ignores his pounding heart, his shortened breath, the prickles over his body and the strain inside his muscles, and shrugs out of his coat, hangs it over the chair, and-

“How are you today, Alexander?” 

-and loses every focus, feeling as if someone dipped him into ice water. The look on Magnus’ face makes it even worse, like he’s treading on eggshells, trying not to show how concerned he truly is, being too fucking kind, as he is. Alec can’t deal well with kindness shown towards himself. 

He looks away, biting his inner cheek, his nails pressing into the palms of his hands, feeling as if someone put a dozen spotlights on him, and he’s supposed to entertain a crowd, just short of a panic attack. 

His mouth barely opens to give some sort of answer. “Wait, don’t say it.” Magnus almost trips over his words, and Alec feels perplexed and confused, but also glad he doesn’t have to lie, because by now it’s not even pretend anymore. 

He slowly sits down, instead, relieved when Magnus says nothing else, and sits down at his computer. 

After a little while, he even thinks he can get some proper work done, just to realize abruptly that he’s been staring at the screen for ages, without even noticing. It’s after 7 pm now, and he’s done… nothing. His eyes burn, and his body aches, and his head feels like cotton candy mixed with razor blades, and that’s not a good combination at all. 

He suddenly jumps, a sharp pain shooting through his head as he stares up at Magnus, who is not at his desk, but standing right next to him, looking startled himself, apologizing several times. 

Alec takes a deep breath. “It’s okay, just a bad headache.” He averts his eyes and presses his fingertips onto both of his temples, moving them lightly in a circling motion.

“I can help with that.” 

His mind doesn’t catch up with Magnus’ words until he feels Magnus’ fingers pressing into the back of his neck, and before he can decline, or even move away, they’re pushing straight into the trail of pain and a low groan leaves his mouth, his hands falling into his lap, eyes shut, his body succumbing to the deft motions of Magnus’ hands, finding all the right spots to treat, and though, the aches are worse at first, soon they’re subsiding in a warm, hazy feeling, only a slight soreness remaining.

He almost doesn’t catch the shift, but suddenly his senses are on alert. Magnus’ fingers are moving differently, stroking along his shoulders, the pressure gone, and up into his hairline, causing him to shiver. He holds his breath, then slowly exhales, a heated shudder spreading throughout his body, an aroused stirring inside his pants as he turns his chair, coming to face Magnus’ stomach, his eyes dropping lower, to the zip of his pants. 

A small voice inside his head is shouting for him to think before he gets even deeper into this, but he quickly silences it, bringing up his hands to open the button on his pants, goosebumps running all over his skin knowing Magnus is watching him, but he can’t look up. 

He moves faster, pulling up the gray-blue shirt, his head leaning forward, his open mouth flush against hot, smooth skin, and he licks it, tasting traces of soap and sweat next to his navel. 

He hears the sharp intake of breath above him, hands running through his hair, alighting sparks inside him, making him harder. His fingers move eagerly, unzipping him, wanting to taste him once more, but he feels dizzy with the abruptness with which he’s pushed back into the chair, hungry lips on his, Magnus’ tongue inside his mouth, tearing a moan from his throat while his shirt is swiftly unbuttoned and hands trail along his chest and stomach, stroke over his crotch to lure out another moan, making him even dizzier with how quickly his cock is freed from his pants and ringed fingers are closing around him, caressing, feeling, and then Magnus’ mouth is on his neck, trailing all over his throat, along his chest and stomach, and he can barely grip onto the chair’s armrests, his head flying back, his eyes shut as he feels his tongue on him, swiping over, and tasting him, then taking him inside his mouth, and he loses his mind with the thrill of sensations.

When he comes it’s mind-blowing, and he’s not sure whether that’s because of Magnus’ skills, or simply because it’s Magnus, and it might be both, but he also just can’t care as he’s trying to regain some of his brains. 

When he opens his eyes, he finds Magnus has removed his own shirt as his upper body is naked, and glancing down at himself, he gets why he did, and he feels a little stunned that Magnus would spoil his nice shirt like that, but he forgets all about it when Magnus runs his hands over his thighs, their gazes locking. 

A moment later he leans over him and grabs his neck, his mouth voracious as he kisses him, sending Alec’s brain into a blissful haze once more. 

His arms close around Magnus, and pull him closer, and when he comes to sit on Alec’s thighs, the chair squeaks and wobbles, and for a moment, Alec thinks it might break under their weight, but somehow it holds, even though it keeps squeaking.

Alec’s tongue runs over Magnus’ chin, and along his throat while he holds his neck, his free hand stroking his chest, abs and side, hearing him gasp, and feeling him shudder, and with some fumbling Alec eventually manages to expose his cock, his fingers eagerly touching every inch, his tongue lapping at a nipple, and he’s listening with delight as Magnus’ every moan gets louder, his hands dug into Alec’s arm and shoulder, and Alec relishes in bringing him pleasure, how nothing matters, nothing can touch him, no thought gets through this intensity of arousal and anticipation, the desire and satisfaction to please him.

Alec’s sucking on his throat when he moans with rapture, and he uses the shirt to catch most of Magnus’ release, wipes his hand, and wraps his arm around him, his hand carding over wonderful, hot skin, holding him as he’s panting into his neck. 

He never wants to have to come out of this, Magnus’ weight pressing into him, his hot, beautiful skin under his hands, his mouth on his neck, his breath sending tiny shivers all over his body, his mind blissfully empty. He never wants to leave.

Magnus moves back, his face soft and sensuous, taking Alec’s breath away. They move simultaneously, their lips sliding together sloppily with the remnants of carnal urgency they’ve been overcome with, fingers tracing over muscles and skin, hair and stubble. And when Magnus pulls away, Alec’s following as if his lips were drawn in by a magnetic pull. But Magnus moves off of him, the chair squeaking loudly once before it’s still, and Alec licks his bottom lip as he watches Magnus closing his pants, his smile gentle. 

Alec feels the incoming frown, frustration crawling under his skin, and he rubs his face with both hands, drawing a deep breath, not wanting to feel anything else, not wanting to plunge back into his reality, and everything that entails. 

“I hope your head feels better.” 

Alec drops his hands, glancing up at Magnus who’s rubbing one of his earlobes, his smile soft but unsure, and Alec hates that he’s doing this to him -  _ again.  _ He shouldn’t have let him, he should have stopped it, but… it’s not fair on Magnus, it’s horrible of him to keep doing this. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Magnus looks puzzled, his hand falling to his side. “Why? You have nothing to be sorry for. “

Alec nods, dropping his gaze, and finally moves to close the buttons of his shirt, and zip up his pants while Magnus’ eyes are burning into him.

“Alexander-” 

“This shouldn’t- no, we can’t do this again, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen, I just-”

“ _ Alec.”  _

Alec looks up, swallowing down the rest of his words.

“I told you, whatever this means to you, it’s okay. It doesn’t have to mean more than… relieving stress and sore heads.” He smiles reassuringly, but Alec shakes his head, feeling worse.

“I don’t want to use you, for this, or anything, I don’t want-”

“You’re not using me, Alexander, if so, then we’re using each other, and is that so bad? We’re both getting something good out of it. It’s not any more than that.” 

Alec’s a little surprised, both at Magnus’ words, and the jab he’s feeling inside, because he thought… but maybe not, his head is a jumble of too many thoughts, most of which are tormenting. He just nods and finally stands, then bends to grab his coat and scarf from where they hit the floor at some point.

“Are you leaving?” Magnus sounds… disappointed, and there it is again, this damn guilt, and feeling of letting him down, using him, and hurting him somehow, which is the last thing he wants, and yet can’t do anything about.

“It’s quite late, and I haven’t slept well... because of the headache, and-” 

“It’s okay.” Alec can’t bear the kindness radiating all through Magnus, and turns away as he puts on his coat. He hears him walking past him, then glances to the other side, seeing him taking the white shirt with paint splashes from the floor and putting it on. Alec feels a hot flush when he remembers why. 

He glances back at him once the shirt is buttoned up. “I do feel better, thank you.” 

Magnus’ smirk is terribly endearing, and Alec is almost shocked to find himself reciprocating it. 

“I’m really glad to hear that, I also feel rather relaxed.” He’s amused and it’s lighting up his face, his eyes, in a way Alec wants to get lost in, wants to grab his face and kiss him, and never let go.

“I’m glad, too. Goodnight, Magnus.” 

“Goodnight, Alexander.” 

Alec nods, a hint of a smile still on his lips, and he doesn’t feel as terrible as he thought he would when he closes the door behind himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to make it into 5 parts instead. Hope to finish this soon for my own sake most of all...

He had hoped sleep would come a little easier, but the moment his head touches the pillow, thoughts morph into a spiral inside his mind, and he only manages to doze off a few times, each time startling awake, each time, for the faintest moment, cocooned in the cottony oblivion of  _ everything is okay,  _ before thought returns, and his insides contract sickeningly. 

He feels trapped in the bed, thinking of moving, getting up, doing something,  _ anything _ , but usually he waits, his chest heavy with an invisible weight, until a more acceptable time arrives. It’s just after 5 am when he drags his weary self out of bed, and grabs for his clothes on the armchair, when he hears a sound from the other room. 

_ The room _ he walks past as if it’s merely a wall, the room he treats as if it’s non-existent, as if it vanished with _ him. _

He refuses to acknowledge that his mother spends time inside it, even though he knows. He’s so much more perceptive to little things; the look in someone’s eyes just before they break down, the change in someone’s voice, a noise, a draft of air coming from the gap under the door of one invisible room when she left a window open. He pretends not to notice, he simply acts when it’s needed, ignores when he can, and hides away. 

But the noises keep coming, and his heart is pounding in his ears, his breath frozen as he listens attentively. He has to move, and breathe, and he leaves his room hesitantly, needing to know what someone is doing in that room, at this time, knowing it can only be her.

The door is open wide, and it shocks him into standing still, a disturbing prickling sensation under his skin, as he’s taking in the view of an  _ Iron Man _ poster on the wall, and below,  _ his  _ favorite one of  _ Jurassic Park,  _ inside the invisible room Alec hasn’t seen for months. He knows the bed is on the right, still hidden, but if he walks closer, if he looks inside, he’ll see it. 

He knows when she changed the bedsheets for the last time, he knows that the wheelchair is beside the bed, he knows that  _ his  _ drawings are still on the wall, and  _ his  _ favorite photos; of family, friends, animals, NY Comic Con, Harry Potter World, and Dinosaur Land. 

He takes one step, and another, and one more, and before he can begin to decide whether he can truly enter it, his mother appears, crawling out from under the bed, dressed in pajamas, her shoulder long hair disheveled, and his thoughts are derailed to what she’s been doing. She notices him immediately, a surprised, yet genuine smile crossing her face, and all he can do is wonder how she hasn’t lost the ability to smile. 

“Alec, you’re up early, come help me find the seedlings, you know those little bags, I forgot to plant the Crocuses and Dahlias, but it’s not too late, yet, and he would have loved to see them in the garden.” Her smile stays, and Alec brittles.

“Alec? Alec!” She’s calling after him, but he fled into the kitchen, his heartbeat so loud it drowns out even her voice as he’s gripping the edge of the countertop, every muscle taut with strain, his eyes blurry and burning as he closes them, taking deep breaths. 

A hand on his shoulder makes him jump, and he stares at his mother wide eyed, wishing he could wipe the shock and upset from her face. 

“Alec, I’m sorry.” 

He lifts a hand quickly to wipe her apology away, her guilt.  _ She’s  _ not to blame. 

“No, it’s fine, I just-” He swallows, his thoughts too jumbled to come up with a believable excuse, giving into failure.

“I forgot you don’t want to go into his room, it’s my fault.” 

Alec freezes with the realization that she knows this about him, that she knows how weak and terrible he is, and that he failed in keeping it a secret. 

“It’s alright, Alec. I just couldn’t sleep, and suddenly remembered I must have left those bags in his room when I asked him which flowers he wanted to plant, you know he loved being in the garden.” 

Alec nods vaguely, putting all of his strength into detachment from his emotions, so he won’t cry. Because he wouldn’t  _ just _ cry. 

Maryse takes his arms gently, strokes along them and then hugs him, and Alec wants to hug her back, but can’t loosen his limbs enough to. 

“You know, I feel like he’s with me all the time, I think of him every minute, of what he would say, and do, and I talk to him a lot. He was so funny and clever, and honest, just like you, and sassy like your sister, and loved playing pranks with Jace, and I really feel that he isn’t gone.” She looks at him, and Alec crumbles inside, but only there. 

He nods, every cell of him bristling against  _ this,  _ kisses her forehead, and moves away so she has to let him go. “I’m off to the gym, I’ll get breakfast on the way.” He calls for her benefit, though he doesn’t think he’ll even arrive at the gym, or will be able to stomach a single bite of food. 

The day passes like so many days have passed the last few months, and he feels detached from the world, as if his body is living in it, but his mind belongs somewhere else, and everything conflates into a moot haze, until he’s standing in front of the door behind which the man who makes things real again sits. 

And he can’t bring himself to open it. And he can’t bring himself to turn around and leave. And he has no idea what to do. He can’t go home, he can’t go into that house with the invisible room that isn’t invisible anymore, knowing his mother is there, and would try to talk to him about  _ him  _ again. He can’t do it. He can’t do anything. But he  _ must. _

*

Magnus is humming, his feet tapping, his fingers moving, to his favorite live recordings from one of P!nk’s tours, lost in his own world, but the moment the door clicks and moves, he jumps to attention, turns the music down, and gazes at the spot where Alexander appears.

He takes him in as much and as fast as his perception allows; creased suit, messy hair, stubble, dark circles around his eyes, avoiding eye contact, tension in his body that seems so familiar to Magnus now, his posture sagged like he wants to take up the least space possible, like he wishes he wasn’t even there. 

He exhales slowly, feeling his own body rippled with apprehension, and watches him as he takes off his coat and scarf, like he’s done dozens of times before. 

Magnus turns away and stares at his screen, aware of neither of them having greeted the other, deciding that it’s too late now, that something might have happened, or that the obvious sleep-deprivation is torturing Alexander’s mind, and with it usually comes another kind of torture, as well. 

He blinks as he finds his fingertips pressed into the keys, an error message on his screen he clicks off quickly, turns towards Alec, and gapes in shock as the man’s standing next to him, grabs his arm and neck and pulls him upwards, Magnus’ body moving without hesitation, drawn as if magnetic, his hands coming to rest on Alec’s hips as their noses bump together before their mouths crash. 

Magnus is torn between the indisputable attraction between them, and the unshakable recognition of why Alexander is seeking him out, for sex, for a kind of relief he can’t find anywhere else, for a few moments of forgetting, for numbing the pain, and drowning out the memories. 

And Magnus wants to be that for him, but he also knows it won’t last, won’t be enough, won’t end well. He’s been there a few times himself, and it always caught up with him, always made him feel worse in the end. And he doesn’t want this for Alexander, and he doesn’t want this for himself, he wants to be more than that for him. 

He moves his hand gently up to Alec’s chest, and presses against it, his heartbeat so prominent under his palm, filling his body with tingly warmth, and moves his head back with some effort as Alec needs a moment to catch up, chasing his lips. 

Their eyes connect, and Magnus knows he has to be quick to crush all the wrong assumptions Alec will come up with.

“It’s alright, let’s just slow down a little. I know you don’t want to talk, but-” 

Alec’s arms are dropping so fast he feels a cold rush inside him suddenly, watching him turning away. 

“Alexander, please, I’m not rejecting you, I just know this isn’t going to end where you want it to… where I want it to. I’ve been where you are, trust me.” 

“I’m not anywhere. How would you know? How do you know anything about me?” Alec’s words are sharp with anger, with underlying despair, as he glares at him, but all Magnus sees is the sadness, the helplessness beneath. 

“I want you to tell me. I’m here, and there’s nothing you could say that would make me leave, I promise.” Those were the words a good friend of his mother’s used to tell him when he was at his lowest, the words Magnus really needed to hear, and he’s hoping Alexander needs to hear them right now.

But he just shakes his head, and scoffs in disbelief as if this whole situation is ridiculous, and runs his fingers roughly through his hair. “I don’t have anything to tell you.” 

Magnus steps closer, unwilling to accept the obvious lie born from desperation. “I think you do, and I think you’ve needed to tell someone for a long time. Whatever it is, whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay, but you can’t keep it inside forever, because it will harm you, and leave you dysfunctional eventually. Please, just-” 

“No!”

Magnus hears how close to his breaking point he is, the agony on his face inducing pools of tears behind his own, and he hopes pushing him over that edge, and out of his well-built cage, is what will help him in the end. 

“Alexander, please, talk to me, tell me about what happened, tell me about your brother.” 

He’s been taking more steps towards him as Alec’s been moving backwards, his eyes trapped, his features torn, staring at Magnus with untamed consternation, until that last word unhinges him, and he flees from the room so fast Magnus needs a minute to understand his attempt to make him open up completely backfired.

He curses loudly, hides his face inside his hands before he turns slowly, trying to gather his thoughts when he peers at Alexander’s coat, the window in the background; it’s snowing. 

Magnus pushes himself into gear, grabs his and Alec’s coats, and leaves as fast as he can to catch up with him, if only to give him his coat so he won’t freeze. 

He hopes he can make out which direction he went as he rushes from the building, his mind so preoccupied with haste and worry, he misses the figure standing in the middle of the street at first. 

But then he sees him, and he stays completely still, just staring at Alec, illuminated in yellow streetlight, tiny snowflakes settling in his hair, immediately melting on his face directed to the sky, eyes closed. 

Magnus can’t breathe, a wave of shock surging through him as he realizes the wet streaks glistening on Alexander’s face cannot be from the snow alone. He feels himself moving in slow motion as he steps closer, Alec’s breath showing in short, quiet gasps, his head slowly moving downwards. 

“Alexander…” Magnus feels part of himself breaking, understanding that he must stay strong for him kicking in immediately. 

“Do you want me to call someone?” 

Alec shakes his head, bringing a hand up to his face to wipe the tears away, but every fibre of his being seems defeated, and though Magnus expected it, he hates to see him like this. 

He very carefully lays his coat around Alec’s shoulders, now standing before him, unable to take his eyes off of that beautiful, tormented face, his hands lingering on Alec’s arms. 

“Do you want me to take you home?” Again he shakes his head, and Magnus feels a spark of hope, fragile, yet blooming. 

“Do you want to come back inside with me?” 

It takes Alec a long moment to answer, so long Magnus is caught watching a snowflake land on Alexander’s longest eyelash, reminding him of glitter, in his hair, in the air… he startles when he notices his subtle nod. 

“Okay, come on.” He moves and slides his arm around Alec’s, tugging him along and back into the building, watching his face closely all the while as they ride up the elevator, Alec’s eyes pointing firmly to the ground. 

Magnus wishes he had a more comfortable place for them, but they’ll have to make do, and he’s caught by surprise once more as Alec leans back against the wall and slides down to sit on the ground as they’re back inside the office. Magnus crouches down before him. “Do you want me to get you anything?” 

Alec shakes his head and Magnus decides to just sit with him, and let him lead, but the moment he moves, Alec speaks, so softly he could have missed it. 

“Can you turn off the light?” 

Magnus is a little confused, but he doesn’t question him, gets up and turns the overhead light, as well as the lamp next to his computer off, and sits down beside him, the lights from the buildings outside providing enough to see. But it feels smaller, more intimate, maybe less intimidating? Maybe that’s what it’s like for him, or his eyes are simply aching. 

Alec’s hunched over his angled legs in a way that makes him seem so much smaller than he is, his coat still around his shoulders, and Magnus just wants to hold him, but he’s more afraid to do something wrong than ever before, and he knows he needs to give him time and space, hoping that being here for him, with him, is enough.

“That fucking song.” 

Magnus startles as Alec finally speaks after minutes of silence, tears in his voice, but Magnus is trying to decipher his words, suddenly hearing the very soft sounds of a live version of P!nk’s  _ Glitter in the air  _ that’s still playing. But he doesn’t understand, and he leans forward a little, arms around his own angled legs, mirroring him, looking at the half of his face he can see in the dim light.

“That’s why Izzy broke down that day, because of that song, because she used to listen to it with… with him. I knew it, but it didn’t even bother me, or maybe I forgot, or repressed it.” 

Alec sniffs and wipes his nose on his sleeve while Magnus feels the realization and pain of his words. He never even thought, but how could he? “I’m so sorry,” is all he manages to whisper, feeling very small and emotional himself.

Alec shakes his head, presses his eyes shut, holds his breath for as long as he can, and exhales. Sitting on the floor in the dark with Magnus, so close to crying, talking about… this, is one scenario he hadn’t thought possible, but does it even matter now? Isn’t it always the buildup that’s the hardest, the dire anticipation, the strain and avoidance, and the struggle against the inevitable. 

Somehow those few words completely took him apart, not just the confirmation that Magnus  _ knows _ , but the way he looked at him, with such fierce care and conviction, and his glass house simply cracked right there and then. It’s not completely broken, but there is some shattered glass on the ground. 

“I haven’t been in his room for four months.” He can’t stop thinking of this morning, finding the door open, his mother inside, as if it was normal for her to be inside her dead child’s room, but for her, it probably is. She found a way to cope, maybe, in therapy, maybe with the help of his father, or the books about grief she’s been reading, or just within herself, because she’s stronger than most people Alec knows, and he never has understood how she can be, or why he cannot. 

Tears spill from his eyes as he shuts them, pressing his lips together, feeling the rawness inside his chest he loathes, but can’t prevent. 

“I thought… I thought that if I just... “ He shakes his head and shrugs, his words seeming so pointless. “It’s so fucking senseless, just… doesn’t make any fucking sense.” He sobs softly, more tears running from his eyes, his arms aching from the grip they have around his legs, but he just holds them tighter. 

“He always had a fragile body, several conditions, but we stopped seeing him like that, he was always so strong, and loved life, and wanted to know, and do, and see everything…” He sobs harder this time, pushing his face down against his knees. 

Minutes later, he sighs shakily, moving his head upwards again, his eyes taking in the lights from the buildings outside in the distance, the moon that’s partly showing, a few stars. 

“He got worse a couple of years ago, stopped eating a lot of food he used to love, and he got sick more often, and I moved back in to help take care of him, but the doctors didn’t really find anything, so we just kept going, especially mom, she got all sorts of supplements he could drink to keep his weight up, he was so thin…” 

More tears roll down his cheeks and he loosens his arms to wipe his face with his hand. “But we never thought he could… he wasn’t in any kind of danger, no one said he was, no one believed this could ever happen, but then he got sick again, and… and I… it’s all my fault.” 

He sags into himself, silent sobs shaking his body, stinging pain expanding inside him, his chest heavy and tight, his body taut, and at first he hardly notices the arm on his shoulder, on his back, moving around him, but then he becomes more rigid, but his sobs are getting louder as he unravels more, out of his control, and he leans into the body offered for support, his reluctance to accept comfort big, his need for it finally bigger. 

He cries until his insides feel raw and wounded, his breathing loud and irregular, shaken with sobs that grow quiet eventually, and he becomes aware of the hand caressing his right arm, and the voice speaking so softly, telling him it’s not his fault, over and over. But he knows it is, he knows what happened, and no one else does. 

He leans forward again, away from Magnus, roughly wipes his face with his hands, and takes a deep breath that hurts deep inside. He pulls his coat off and drops it to the side, hugs himself as he stares down at the floor without seeing anything, but his brother in that bed, breathing strangely, sweaty, needing help… it crushes and destroys him, but it’s no longer surreal. Magnus, or circumstances, made it all real, and he can’t escape, can’t hide any longer.

“I went on a work trip for three days, so mom could stay with Max, and it was tiring, and I hardly slept, and the flight was delayed, and I got home late to find a note from her that she went to some event, that Max was feeling okay and went to sleep, and that I please check up on him when I got home.” He sniffs and wipes his nose. 

“All I wanted to do was collapse into bed and sleep, but I went to check up on him, and he seemed… not okay, and my first thought was… no, please, not again, I can’t do this right now… not about his well-being, but my own fucking selfishness.” He fists his hands, biting the inside of his cheek, and it’s taking him a long moment to calm himself enough to continue. 

“I checked his vitals anyway, and called a doctor, whoever was on duty… he came and examined him, and said his lungs were free, he often had issues with bronchitis and other things, and he said he didn’t need to go to the hospital and left some medicine, and I gave it to him and went to bed. I was so relieved I didn’t have to go to the hospital, because I just didn’t want to…” He wheezes agonizingly. 

“I woke up and he was worse, much worse, and he was calling for me, but I didn’t even hear him, and then I just wanted to get more rest, I was so tired, annoyed that I had to be the one to look after him after that fucking trip, and mom leaving, and then… she called his doctor, and she told us he had to go to the hospital, his vitals were so much worse, and she called an ambulance, and then mom called dad and the others and we went to the hospital, and he had a lung inflammation… even though that other doctor said his lungs were alright… and then he was in a coma, and had a blood infection, and for weeks we had no idea what would happen… he got better, got worse, couldn’t speak because he had to have a tube in his throat, and sometimes I couldn’t stay for long, though I saw how upset he was, scared and alone, and I couldn’t bear it… it’s the worst… I couldn’t… and we had to leave him there, every time, and I felt so horrible…” 

He sobs so hard he can’t breathe for a minute, pain knotting up his stomach. “We thought he’d die half a dozen times… because how could his fragile, small body handle any of that? But he didn’t die… he fought and fought and fought… because he wanted to live… he wanted to come home… and then finally we thought he was going to be okay… the doctors were finally confident, it was only a matter of time… and then…” 

He can’t bear to go on, more sobs shaking his body as he tries to crawl into himself, Magnus’ arms coming around him again, holding him gently but firmly, whispers in his ears, eventually helping him calm down again.

“No one thought he was at risk of dying any longer, and then… then it happened. Just like that, my mother got that one call no one ever wants to get, which I worried about for so many weeks… but thought wouldn’t come anymore… Max was bleeding at night suddenly, and they tried to find where and stop it, but they couldn’t, and he was going to die, and when we got there, he was already gone…” 

It still feels terribly surreal, those memories, those endless nightmares, fears, worries, shocking moments, the strain, the guilt, the injustice of it all. 

It feels too horribly real suddenly, his body turns, his hands gripping Magnus’ shirt as he sobs into his collarbone, his breathing close to hyperventilation, unable to stop, unable to hold his grief, and sadness, and despair, and guilt, inside any longer. It pours and pours and pours, leaving him gaunt of strength, his inside a raw wound short of bleeding. Everything hurts,  _ everything _ . 

Magnus feels too afflicted to cry, trying to imagine Alexander’s pain, the guilt he’s been carrying silently all this time, unable to seek out words, so often inapt when it really matters, and all he can do is hold him, be there, and wait for him to quiet down, hoping opening up will lessen the agony he hears in every one of his heart-wrenching sobs that send shudders over his skin, knot his stomach, and make him feel choked up. 

He guides him to lie down his head on his lap after a long while, covering him with his coat he pulls from the floor next to them, his back against the wall, his fingers running through Alec’s hair, one arm hooked around his chest, trying to ground him. 

Alec’s quiet then, maybe looking outside, maybe his eyes are shut. The aftermath of emotional breakdown, silent mourning. 

There’s so much to come to terms with, to accept - seemingly the hardest part, to forgive oneself - even harder. 

Alec feels as if he’s being swept up in a cloudy sensation, almost weightless, almost gone, but the fingers in his hair keep sending tiny shivers along his skin, and the arm around him, the hand on his chest, let him feel his own body, his own presence, still here, still… even now. 

He licks his lips, tasting the salt from his tears, his face sore, his eyes burning, his throat raw, the repercussion of letting go of his grief properly for the first time, leaving his chest and stomach chafed with a strange ache, unparalleled to any other, his head throbbing.

Now someone else knows about the nightmares, the images of his little brother keeping him awake, torturing him, why he’s to blame, why he can’t stop hating himself, why he can’t forgive himself. Now someone else knows, but it doesn’t feel the way he thought it would. And maybe it doesn’t even matter, maybe none of it does, because none of it can be undone, nothing will bring him back. 

He doesn’t know why, but a thought worms its way through the haze in his mind, and he reaches for his coat pocket, and takes out a wrapped up piece of candy. He stares at it, then holds it up for Magnus to see, feels him taking it from him, and he drops his hand again. 

“They’re called  _ Strawberry Kisses _ , Max used to love them, ate them all the time, even when he felt worse. I always hated the taste of them.” A tiny smile appears on his lips, wiped off by a new wave of suffocating sadness, and he shuts his eyes as he remembers buying them and playfully chiding his brother for liking such disgusting sweet candy, hot tears running sideways over his nose and cheek. 

“One night I went into all the stores that were still open and bought all they had. I have a box of them hidden in my room, and for some reason I kept eating them, but you were the only one who noticed, or said something, I don’t know… I don’t even know why… except… to feel close to him, maybe.” He whispers, his throat hurts as he swallows, more tears dropping to the floor.

“I understand.” 

And Alec believes him, and when he feels Magnus stroking his hair again, he can’t help crying harder once more, even though everything aches so much already, there’s still more to pour out of him, and a sudden need makes him turn around, pressing his face into Magnus’ stomach, his arms around his middle, clinging to him as he sobs into his shirt, thinking he might break open any moment now, his glass house in millions of shards all around him. 

But he doesn’t, he just hurts even more when again he manages to calm down after a long while, and Magnus is still here, still spending comfort, holding him, making it impossible to slip away. He  _ feels  _ everything, no detachment, no pretense, no avoidance or hiding, it’s all crashing over him, again and again, way too much to cope with, too much to decipher and give a name, too overpowering, too painful, too dizzying. 

Still, it’s okay somehow, because he’s not alone.

  
  


Magnus’ fingers are continuously caressing the back of Alec’s head, his mind processing, transfixed by emotions and impressions, until he feels movement as Alec is shifting upwards. 

Suddenly wet lips are on his skin next to his collar, on his throat, fingers opening a button of his shirt, and another, exposed skin kissed by the same lips, a shuddery breath as Magnus’ fingers cradle Alec’s neck, and even in almost darkness, their eyes are shining as they come to rest on each other’s faces, and even at his most vulnerable and worn out, Magnus is inevitably drawn to him, touches two fingers to his stubbly chin, leans in and reaches his cheek, to press a kiss on the tender, red skin, tasting traces of his tears, and a hot, wet drop splashes on his top lip, surprising him. 

More tears are spilling from his beautiful eyes, and he pulls him closer, Alexander’s head on his shoulder, strengthening his embrace. 

“You’re coming home with me, okay?” Magnus says softly, eventually, his body aching from sitting against the hard wall and on the hard floor for too long. They need to go somewhere else, he needs Alexander to rest, and he needs him to not be on his own.

He’s relieved to feel him nodding, and a few minutes later they’re up on their feet, dressing properly for the cold night outside, and Magnus quickly turns the computer off, and locks the door behind them. 

He calls them a cab and notices how Alec won’t leave his side, most of his face hidden inside his scarf and coat collar, his eyes downcast all the while, and as they’re seated inside the car, their hands lying next to each other, their pinkies brushing together, Alexander’s hand grips his and won’t let go of it during the silent ride to his apartment. Magnus doesn’t mind, glad he can give a sliver of comfort.

“I hope you like cats, because I have a furry roommate, who’s more like a friend and family member, and my confidant.” Magnus smiles softly at Alec as he unlocks his apartment door, his hand still holding Alexander’s, tugging him inside. 

The Chairman comes trotting out of the bedroom, pauses, yawns and stretches, then sits on his hind legs and watches the stranger attentively. 

“Chairman Meow, this is Alexander, you know, the one I told you about. He’s staying with us tonight, so I expect you to be on your best behavior.” 

The cat mews in response, his tail end slightly moving up and down. Magnus turns to look at Alec who seems lost in watching his feline friend. “Don’t worry about him. Come, let’s get you to bed.” He pulls him along, the Chairman walking off with another mewl as they approach the bedroom. 

Magnus helps him out of his coat, unwraps his scarf and grabs a shirt and his longest pair of pajama pants from his closet, hands it over and shows him to the bathroom. He hopes Alec isn’t too out of it to change himself, he sure looks like it, but he’s a little less worried when he hears the water running, and quickly changes into his own pajamas. 

He pulls the bed cover aside and waits for him, feeling his chest clench when he appears, his face a little wet as are a few strands of his messed up hair, his eyes still swollen and red. He must hurt all over, Magnus remembers that kind of pain.

“Get in.” He gestures to the bed as Alec seems hesitant for a moment, but then crawls onto the bed and pulls the cover up over himself. 

“I’ll be right back.” Magnus leaves for the bathroom, quickly removes his makeup, washes up, and heads back, turns the light off and the small lamp on his nightstand on, and lays down next to him on his side, his head propped on his arm, leaving some distance between them. 

“Do you want to sleep?” 

Alec shakes his head, staring up at the ceiling. Magnus wants him to rest, but accepts he probably won’t for a while. He watches him shutting his eyes, his hands holding onto the edge of the bed cover on his chest. 

“I had never seen our dad cry before, never even once.” 

The whispered words take Magnus’ breath, his heart beating ominously as he listens to Alec inhaling and exhaling, waiting for him to speak again.

“He used to cry all the time at first, all the time, and it broke us to see him so broken, even more than mom, she just… she copes differently, maybe better, I don’t know, but different.” He licks his lips and Magnus thinks he should have gotten him some water to drink.

“We were sitting on a bench in the park just a few days after… and he was quiet, and I was quiet, we didn’t know what to say, like many times before, but this was different... and I was watching a few people and dogs walk by, and some leaves and a plastic bag were flying in the wind, and then I looked over at him again, and tears were running down his face, but he didn’t make a sound, and suddenly he leaned over into me and I was numb… I… I held him and let him cry, but it felt so surreal, everything used to feel surreal for weeks. His funeral was the weirdest thing, and I couldn’t cry even once, I was talking to him in my head, about what he thought of it, the music, the people, the ceremony… I was laughing with him so no one noticed. It was so fucking weird.” Alec licks his lips again, and Magnus needs to move.

“Wait for just a minute.” He rushes out of bed, pads barefeet into his kitchen and grabs a bottle of water and two glasses, then returns and hands him a glass after he poured it. Alec moves up against the pillow to be able to drink, and they sip the water quietly while Magnus throws glances at him, every one of his words from tonight ringing inside his head.

“Thanks.” It’s so feeble, and sudden, Magnus’ eyebrows shoot up, and he turns his head to properly look at him.

“No need, Alexander, it’s what I want to do.” He smiles gently.

“Why?” Alec meets his eyes, and it hurts Magnus that he doesn’t realize, that he thinks he isn’t worth caring for. 

“Because I like you, and I care about you, and I want to help.” Alec’s eyes linger on his face, then he drops his gaze, closes his eyes and sags into the pillow, and Magnus takes the empty glass from his hand, and places both on the nightstand.

“Do you want me to turn the light off?” He does so when Alec nods, and waits for his eyes to get used to the darkness. He can make out Alec’s form next to him, and keeps watching him quietly, his mind wandering in a haze, sharp suddenly, when he hears the soft sniffles.

His heart aches for him so much, and he wishes there was more he could offer him. “Do you want a hug?” 

He’s surprised, and glad when Alec moves over almost instantly, laying his head on Magnus’ chest, an arm around him, and Magnus embraces him, kisses the top of his head, and holds him while he cries, expecting him to have to catch up and cope with so much mourning he used to deny himself, now. 

It’s just past 2 am when Magnus notices he’s fallen asleep, and the Chairman jumps onto the bed, observes, and sniffs at the stranger for a minute, then settles down on the pillow next to Magnus’ head to sleep, and Magnus smiles softly before he drops off, too, thinking that, despite the gravity of the situation, this feels nice.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s when we start working together that the real healing takes place.” David Hume
> 
> “Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” Tori Amos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had most of this written weeks ago, but just couldn't finish it and I was sure I had to make this the last part which blocked me the most, I think, and I'm grateful that friends told me to just post this and write the final part still. There are some things I need to figure out and I think this is right. 
> 
> Can't explain what this story means in so many different layers, I just hope you can FEEL it somehow, some of it. Thanks for the support.

An odd, irritating sound invades his consciousness until he’s awake, finding Alexander pressed to his front, his arms and legs around him like a sloth hanging onto him, the Chairman snoring in his ear, lying against his shoulder and neck. He feels trapped. 

It’s only 6.30am when he glances at his alarm clock, letting him know he didn’t get enough sleep by far, but he is glad to see Alexander asleep still. 

He focuses on the sound to figure out what it could be, and where it’s coming from, and realizes it’s a phone vibrating, a call… not his, so it must be Alexander’s. It probably makes sense, with him gone all night without anyone knowing. 

Magnus doesn’t want his family to worry, so he does his very best to untangle himself with utmost care to not wake Alec, even though the Chairman is disturbed and hisses at him to let him know he’s anything but pleased, before he curls up in the spot Magnus just left his body heat on. 

He heads to the bathroom where he finds Alec’s phone inside his pants pocket.  _ Mom. _ Oh. He hesitates for a moment, then answers the call anyway.

“Maryse, hello, good morning, this is Magnus Bane. Alec is asleep, he’s at my place, he was… upset last night.” 

_ “Magnus? Oh, yes… I... this is my fault, I was too careless, I should’ve known-” _

“No, please, nothing’s your fault. Honestly, he needed to reach this point, he’s been carrying it all alone, it wasn’t going to go away.” He can hear she’s crying, and he just wants to give her a hug, as well. 

_ “I know, I tried, we all tried, but he couldn’t let it go… but now, how is he? Does he want to come home?”  _

“I… he’s still asleep, and he was very upset, but he needed to let it out. I will talk to him when he wakes up, just try not to worry too much.” He knows it’s so much easier said than done.

_ “Yes, of course, I’m glad he’s getting some rest, just tell him I called and I’m sorry, and he can come home whenever he wants to, and I just want to see him, and talk, if he wants to.”  _

“I will tell him.” 

_ “Thank you, Magnus, thank you so much for looking after him.” _

“Of course. Take care of yourself.” 

He sighs as the call ends, rubs the sleep from his eyes, and carries the phone back into the bedroom, puts it on the nightstand, and heads back to the bathroom to pee. He just wants to catch a couple of hours of sleep if he can, deciding to cancel work for the day, at least until he knows how Alexander is, and whether he wants to leave or not. 

But sleep won’t come anymore, and he feeds the Chairman before he settles back in bed, and quickly pretends not to have watched Alec for way too long while his mind was wandering places when he wakes up an hour later.

He can feel every sore muscle in his body, his stomach tight and raw, his neck slightly cricked, his shoulder stabbing with an odd, awkward kind of ache. His eyelids are heavy, his mind wooly, and he has to wipe the sleep from his eyes several times before he manages to keep them open properly. 

And then, for a moment, everything falls away, dark brown eyes staring into his, and he’s surprised, and confused, and awed, and then, finally, remembers last night, remembers his breakdown, the crying he thought would never end, the agony of it all… and Magnus… taking care of him, taking him home with him. 

Alec averts his eyes, scrubbing his face with his hand as he sits up, ruffling his hand through his messy hair. He can hear Magnus moving next to him, now a little closer. A soft shiver runs from his neck downwards, along his spine. 

“Um, sorry.” Somehow it’s all he can think to say, his tongue feeling too thick for his mouth. 

“Don’t be, there’s nothing to be sorry for, Alexander.” 

Alec startles with the sudden touch on his back, Magnus’ hand there, then gone, and he glances over at him, the softest smile on his features, and for some frustrating reason, Alec feels fucking tears welling up again.

“I’ll make coffee while you wake up properly, okay?” 

Alec doesn’t nod but he’s glad that Magnus offered, glad he gets a few minutes on his own to try to handle this weird situation he’s in. One he’s never had to deal with, hasn’t even imagined. 

He sighs deeply, wipes his eyes, and drags his heavy, sore body into the bathroom. He looks like shit, and his eyes are speckled red, dark bags underneath, and he washes his face with ice cold water several times, closes his eyes and holds his breath for half a minute, breathes in and out deeply, and turns away from the mirror, unconsciously scratching an itch on his elbow. 

He looks around the room, at every item, without really thinking anything much at all. He’s inside Magnus’ bathroom. He went home with him, slept in his bed. Cat. There was a cat. Chairman something. He cried a lot. Talked a lot. He told him… so much, too much, but he had to, he knows, but now he feels all kinds of weirded out. Empty, and insecure, and ashamed, and he wishes he could just disappear. 

But he can’t. Coffee… right. He waits for another couple of minutes, until he can will his legs to move outside, back into the bedroom, and further, into the living area, and the open kitchen where Magnus is leaning casually back against the counter, a cup in his hand, a smile greeting Alec the moment he spots him.

Alec tries to show something resembling anything other than the awkwardness he’s feeling, but can’t tell whether he succeeds, but Magnus doesn’t seem fazed in any way, turns and holds out a second cup to him. Alec takes it, the hot ceramic on his fingers just short of scorching, drawing his attention there for a moment, then he sits down on the chair Magnus offers as he takes the seat next to him.

Alec stares at the cup in silence, the black liquid sucking his mind into a black hole, until he startles so much some of the coffee’s spilling over the rim of the cup, but he’s staring down at the ground where he felt something against his leg, realizing it must have been the cat that’s looking up at him now.

“Oh, he does that a lot, sorry he startled you.” Magnus is wiping the spilled coffee away with a cloth as Alec looks at him surprised. 

“It’s okay, I was just… I wasn’t paying attention.” He glances down at the cat again, wondering whether he wants something from him, and after a moment, he slowly moves his hand towards him, lets him sniff his fingers, and when he pushes against them, Alec indulges him and strokes his head softly. 

“He doesn’t usually take to strangers like this, which means you’re special.” 

Magnus’ smile is so genuine and lovely, Alec has to look away, his eyes prickling. He takes a long sip from the strong, black coffee, and keeps his eyes closed until the last drop of the liquid has ran down his throat. 

“Are you hungry?”

Alec shakes his head, the thought of food making him queasy. He just feels so… strange, so out of place, wrung out, so much at a loss of what to do, where to go from here, what to think, feel, or say. 

It’s the most alienated he has ever felt, and he wants it to go away, but he hasn’t the faintest idea of how to make it leave. He just feels... lost.

“Alexander? If you don’t mind me saying, I know this is a weird and very emotional time for you, I just want you to know that whatever you feel, and whatever you want or need, is okay, and right.” 

Alec gradually moves his head to look at him while his words resound in his head, and for some reason he only notices his appearance now. His hair flat, a little disheveled from sleep, his face naked without make-up, looking so normal and casual in his pajamas, and yet realization washes over him that even like this, there’s something profoundly striking about him, something that’s familiar, yet obscure, comforting, but exciting, magnetic, yet daunting.

It only adds to his mind’s inability to handle the situation he finds himself in, and he couldn’t say what he wants, or needs. He wishes someone would decide for him, tell him what to do, just for a while, just for today, take over control.

“If you want to stay here, you can. Or you can go home, and I should tell you your mother called this morning, and I hope you don’t mind that I answered, I didn’t want your family to worry and think you had disappeared.” 

Alec’s eyes widen at that. His mother? She must have been worried, and felt guilty and hurt because of how he left, because of how he was… he lowers his head, closing his eyes, his fingers tight around the mug, lips pressed firmly, holding his breath for half a minute before he exhales slowly.

“I better go home.” He has to, right? He has to talk to her, and Iz, and Jace… though what will he say? He doesn’t know, but something will happen, it must, and somehow thinking about this makes his insides twinge painfully.

“Okay, but you can stay here until you’re ready.” 

Magnus’ lip is curled into the gentlest smile, his eyes attentive, warm, and intense - truly  _ seeing him _ \- a shudder ripples along Alec’s spine. Magnus. Who witnessed his breakdown, who got to hear the worst of Alec’s sins, who held him while he sobbed so hard he thought his ribs would crack, who took him in, let him stay, held him while he cried and slept. 

It’s so much to try to process, and he feels somewhat ashamed, weak, and shaky, but also grateful, and awed at his kindness, his strength, at the way he feels drawn to him.

Snippets of memories and feelings flood him, and suddenly he realizes why it makes sense, why they’re sharing this connection.

“You lost someone.”

Surprise and grief flicker across Magnus’ face before understanding settles. “My mother, when I was fifteen.” 

Alec feels afflicted more strongly than he would have expected, but imagining losing his own mother, and at such a young age, he could never allow himself to dwell on such thoughts, too great the anguish inside his mind, unspeakable, and unimaginable, until he had to experience similar.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers, feeling helpless, a heaviness taking over his body he can’t shake, his chest knotting tightly.

“Thank you, it’s been more years now that I’ve been without her, and the pain doesn’t really lessen, but it gets easier to live with, once we let it go.” 

Alec nods faintly, looking down at the floor. He’s not the first or last person to lose someone they thought they couldn’t live without, that they would always be there. But truthfully, it doesn’t make it hurt any less, just because he knows there are millions of people suffering the same. Should it make loss easier? Should it make it meaningless? Trivial? A brush of bad luck you shrug off and move on? 

It makes him feel more heartbroken, actually. But there is absolutely nothing he could do for anyone. Helpless. Hopeless?

“I won’t put more of this on you right now, you have more than enough to cope with. If you ever want to know more, we can talk about it some other time, alright?” 

Magnus’ fingers stroke against Alec’s thumb, knuckle, and wrist in a comforting gesture, but it feels as if his numbed nerves alight, his throat tight. 

He looks at his hand, at Magnus’, his eyes drawn by the movement backing away again, meeting his eyes. He nods faintly, wishing he could find words, or even mirror Magnus’ smile, but he feels useless. 

“I’ll grab a quick shower, feel free to raid my fridge if you get an appetite after all, or more coffee.” Magnus gets off the chair, and Alec feels a prickling sensation running along his forearms, telling him he doesn’t really want him to go, but he says nothing, just stares down at the cup again.

He is pulled from the heaviness mulling his mind by a high-pitched mewl, the Chairman sitting by his feet, looking up at him expectantly. Alec rubs his eye, turning towards him. 

“What do you want, hm?” They’re gazing at each other for a long moment, then the cat mewls again, and a second later, startling Alec, he jumps up onto his lap, his tail brushing Alec’s face. 

Alec frowns puzzled, then carefully starts to stroke his head, and when the Chairman starts purring, pushing against it, he strokes along his back, as well, a tiny smile unbeknownst forming at the corner of his mouth. 

What he doesn’t expect is for the cat to suddenly jump onto his shoulder and rub up against the back of his head.

“Just push him off.” 

Alec startles a little, his attention on Magnus, wearing a blue t-shirt and grey sweatpants, drying his wet hair with a towel, standing in the door to the bedroom.

“Uh, oh, it’s okay.” Alec doesn’t know why, but he feels himself blushing, his eyes dropping to Magnus’ bare feet. Of course they’re nice feet.  _ Of course.  _

Something is starting to brim inside his chest, and he feels like he needs to stop it, or do something about it.

“Um, would it be okay if I take a shower, as well?” He glances up at him warily, his skin tingling all over - from the Chairman’s ministrations, and the sight of Magnus like this - and those are entirely too many sensations and feelings at once.

“Of course, you can use anything you need, there’s a spare toothbrush in the cupboard above the sink, as well.” 

Alec nods, carefully reaches up to get a hold of the cat and sets him down, gets up and walks past Magnus, his nose filling with a surprisingly wonderful scent, into the bathroom. He leans against the closed door, closes his eyes, and breathes in and out deeply, the same scent lingering in the still slightly steamy room, and he’s feeling a little crazy over how fast and loud his heart is pumping.

Half an hour later, he’s ready to leave. 

He’s all dressed for the cold, standing by the door, in front of Magnus, whose hair has dried, looking soft, and fluffy, his deep, brown eyes, watching his face too keenly, making him feel self-conscious, though he knows that’s far from Magnus’ intentions. 

“Thank you, for… all of this… and last night.” He can barely get the words out, his stomach coiling obnoxiously, a panicked notion pushing forward as sudden tears are building behind his eyes, and he  _ mustn’t _ cry now. 

“Of course, Alexander. I’m not going to let you go through this on your own.” His hand settles on Alec’s upper arm, and the tears threaten to fall.

He nods, lips pressed together, and turns away to escape before he can embarrass himself further.

“You’re not alone. I had to learn that, too, and to ask for help, and accept it, but you can, and you will. Give yourself time.” 

He takes those words with him as he walks towards the staircase, unable to look back, lifting his hand in an awkward greeting goodbye, wishing he could react differently, but he’s the way he is, especially right now, and he has to accept that too, somehow. 

*

He doesn’t know what to expect, but his whole body starts to tremble the moment he steps into the house and sees his mother, the tears he was keeping at bay spilling vigorously, and he’s finding himself kneeling on the floor, his mother crying into his shoulder as they’re holding onto each other desperately, but there’s relief, too, finally. 

Once able to let go of each other, they settle in the kitchen with hot tea, and talk, Maryse gripping his hand and not letting go. He tells her a lot of what he told Magnus before, but keeps a few things from her, to spare her that pain. But somehow she knows, and Alec is shell-shocked to hear that she’s been struggling with the same guilt. 

He learns that all of them have blamed themselves for Max’s death, in one way or another, all this time… but he still thinks he’s  _ truly  _ to blame, because he was the one present, the one who was too careless, the one who wanted to sleep rather than take care of his sick little brother.

He only becomes aware of uttering those words through fresh tears when Maryse is embracing him tightly, standing and pressing into him, her head laying down over his, cocooning him with her body as much as possible, crying, and speaking so gently, her words and embrace finding a way into his heart, his core, basking in her love, and her conviction that it was never his fault, that no one could have prevented it, that he did what he could, they all did. It just wasn’t enough. 

And Max would never want any of them to feel this guilt, this much sadness, this anguish. He would smile at them, take their hands, hug them, tell them they would be fine, they would make it through. He only wanted them to be happy, and now he would want them to be happy again even more.

Every part of him feels sore and weary, but he manages to doze off on the couch eventually, the blanket Maryse pulled over him, emitting a feeling of warmth and safety. 

_ You’re not alone. _

He thinks of Magnus when he wakes, but is soon distracted by Izzy’s arrival. She’s crying even before she can throw herself into his arms, and he chides her lovingly. “Please don’t make me cry anymore, everything hurts already.” 

He does cry while he holds her for a long time, finally wiping her tears away, as well as his own, his skin burning from all the salt water it had to endure again, but he reminds himself that it’s something good, something necessary.

They talk some, but mainly stay cuddled up on the couch, Maryse joining them after a while. 

Jace gets there in the evening, not crying the moment he sees them, just frowning, but the worry, and confusion he feels is clear, and Alec smiles sadly before he initiates a hug, pulling him into himself, clinging to him, his fingers curled into his clothes. 

The longer he’s holding him, the more he feels the tension fall off of Jace, taking his own with it, and when they finally look at each other, teardrops swim inside their eyes, and a silent understanding breaks the barriers they had established before. 

They eat dinner together, and Alec is amazed at how different he feels, how different they all seem to feel. As if the breath he had been holding for weeks underneath his ribcage, keeping him on the edge of suffocation all this time, has finally been released, and he’s free to breathe as much as he needs to, having to get used to this kind of freedom again. It might be similar for them, too.

Another change is that they can talk about Max without falling silent and depressed immediately at someone mentioning him. And though they’re all crying again, they keep talking, smiling, even laughing at some of their shared memories, and Alec stops to look at each of them intently, a feeling returning to him he didn’t know was missing for a long time. 

They feel like  _ family  _ again, despite their little brother’s incessant absence which will always leave a void inside each of them, but it’s a void they’re sharing together. 

He suddenly wonders who Magnus might have shared his void with, if anyone, and his chest aches unbearably. 

“I want to invite Magnus for dinner soon, to thank him for all of his hard work, and for being there for you.” Maryse smiles at Izzy, and Alec, especially. 

“I think that’s a great idea. He’s a wonderful person, and friend.” Izzy agrees, looking at Alec in anticipation.

Alec nods, worrying his lip unconsciously. Will he want to come, though? After Alec’s been so… weird and sometimes unfair towards him? After he…  _ used  _ him? Magnus said he was fine with it, it was mutual. And Alec knows Magnus enough to know that it’s true, and maybe he has to let go of that guilt, too. But still, he worries. Because he doesn’t know where they are, what they are, whether what happened will now be treated as something in the past, to accept, maybe forget, never speak of again. 

The thought displeases him greatly. “I will ask him when I see him.” And he’s planning on doing so soon. 

They talk a little about the event, and Jace tells them about the band, actually, a whole orchestra Simon and Clary helped find, with musicians of all genders, ethnicities, sexual orientations, and disabilities, showcasing real diversity, coming together to create something truly unique, and beautiful, and much needed.

Maryse tells them she has asked (probably threatened) all of her contacts to contribute, and attend, to make sure this won’t stay a one time occasion, and lead to further equality in as many areas as she can influence.

Everyone’s faces are red and blotchy from crying, but their smiles are bright, warm, and hopeful. 

“Wait, I’ll be right back.” 

Jace, who wanted to start clearing the table, sits down again after Alec’s sudden request, and Alec heads into his bedroom, slides the door of his closet aside, grabs a few items and drops them onto the floor, then halts when the box is revealed, a part of the lid pried open. 

He takes a deep breath, grabs it, and carries it to the kitchen, meets their curious eyes, and sets the box on the table, his hands resting on top of it. “This is… I hoarded these.” 

He decides to show them instead of trying to explain, feeling his emotions wobbling scarily close to tears again. 

He opens the lid further and takes out two handfuls of  _ Strawberry Kisses _ . Izzy gasps, all staring at the candy in his hands, then looking up at him. 

Alec wants to say something, but his throat feels clogged up, and he half shrugs, his lips a firm line, hoping they understand. Jace is the first to move, snatches one of the candies from Alec’s hand, unwraps the paper and pops it into his mouth. Izzy stares at him, then does the same, and also hands one to their mother, who is gazing at it in her hand. Alec drops the rest back into the box, takes one, sits down and eats it, Maryse following, slowly unwrapping the paper.

“It’s really horrible.” Jace comments after he swallowed his down. “Throw me another one.” 

Alec almost chortles, tears gathered in the corner of his eyes, and Izzy laughs softly, wiping a couple of tears from her cheeks. 

Maryse puts her hands over one of Alec's, and Izzy’s, squeezes them, then let’s go of Izzy’s hand, and leans past her to caress Jace’s face. “I love you all so much.” She means to say more, but her voice betrays her, and words aren’t needed anyway, they all understand. Izzy hugs her tightly while Alec’s squeezing her hand he’s still holding, and Jace moves to hug them both, tearily smiling at Alec, who smiles back faintly, a tear sliding down his face.

When the table is cleared, and the kitchen clean, Alec steps out into the dark corridor, the light from the living-room building a cone towards the former invisible room. Max’s room. 

Alec feels a heaviness filling up his chest, laying itself around him, but he breathes through it, and takes several steps, until he’s standing right in front of the door. He closes his eyes, and hesitantly lifts his right hand, touches the wood that’s slightly chipped off in places, and presses his palm against it. He exhales breathily, opens his eyes, reaches for the door knob, and turns it, the sound of the click invigorating the beating of his heart, and he pushes forward, the door sliding open inwardly. 

His hand drops to his side again, his eyes taking in the objects, mostly cast in shadow, the dim light from outside the windows enough to reveal what they are.

He steps inside, taking in the room in the dark for a while, until his chest loosens a little, and his limbs stop feeling crumbly.

He mentally pushes himself and switches the light on on the bedside table, his eyes immediately drawn to the framed family photo there. It was a shoot with them all, which only happened because Max kept going on about it, complaining that he only had one picture of them all and he was a toddler, and he wanted a grown up one, and he wasn’t letting the fact his parents were divorced and barely speaking get in the way.

Alec misses him so much he thinks he might collapse, a dry sob tearing from his lungs, but he sits down on his bed instead, taking a minute for the grief to wash over him, letting it without a fight.

He brought one of the candies with him, opens up his palm above the bedside table, takes it with his other slightly shaky hand, and gingerly lays it onto the table in front of the photo. 

“For you, Max,” he whispers, gulping back another sob. 

He lies down after a while, silent tears spilling from his eyes, acutely aware of the way the cold sheets feel under his palms, of the patterns on the ceiling, reflected from trees outside. 

Even more aware of  _ him _ , his presence, his life. 

His mom was right, he’s still here somehow. He’s everywhere, and Alec feels crazy for trying to deny it. 

“You’ll always be with us, right?” He breaks into a sob, fresh, hot tears rolling down his temples, his fingers digging into the bed, but again, he breathes through it. 

He turns onto his side, curling up, inhaling the scent of Max’s pillow. 

It’s how Izzy and Jace find him, wordlessly lying down behind him, Izzy’s face against his back, Jace’s chin on her shoulder, his arm protectively over both of them. 

They fall asleep eventually, and when Alec wakes up in the morning, he’s stunned, quietly watches the two of them curled up beside him, observes Max’s room in soft daylight, and knows something inside him has changed. 

He believes it will be different from now on, now he doesn’t have to keep so much inside anymore. They can all share this burden now, and help each other heal, and that’s what he truly wanted from the beginning, but he had no way of communicating it, of asking, and it took meeting a beautiful, stubborn stranger for him to realize it. 

He gets up and meets his mother in the kitchen, baking Max’s favorite cookies. Their dad will be back from traveling today, and his mom invited him over for family dinner, and it makes Alec tear up again, embracing her with all he has. 

It feels like so many of their broken pieces have started to close in, and maybe they will learn to mend each other, and themselves, and find a way to  _ live, _ even with the hollowness of being alive without him.

It’s not miraculously okay, of course, and doubts, fears, inadequacies, and shame still wander through his mind and heart, but - the big, important change is - that these feelings are no longer  _ exclusive _ . 

He feels more than that now, a kind of fragile new beginning, strength gathered from his family, and hope. Sometimes he has loathed it, wanted to crush it forever, because it can bring unfathomable agony as much as elation, but today he’s counting on it.

Once they’re all awake and ate warm cookies for breakfast because Jace kept snatching them off of the baking tray, they settle on the couch in the living-room, old photo albums on the table. They look through them all, talking about memories, crying a lot, and take time to quietly remember. 

There are videos and more photos on the notebook Maryse brings together with sandwiches for lunch, and though Alec doesn’t feel ready, they all agree to watch a few of the video files. 

His heart stops as he hears Max’s voice, sees his face, alive, talking, smiling, and laughing, or being annoyed at someone. It’s entirely too heartbreaking. He  _ needs _ to watch them all now. 

He can barely keep his eyes open the way they’re burning when they need a break, and he leans back against the headrest, Izzy snuggled into his side while Jace and Maryse are cuddled together next to them, and he focuses only on rising and settling his chest, and the sounds of everyone breathing around him.

The doorbell startles them all awake, and leaves them in shock as it’s already dinner time, and Robert walks in, dressed smartly, confused at the state they’re all in, but before he can attempt to say much, Izzy’s hugging him tightly, and when he shares a long look with Alec, who’s again, so close to tears, Robert seems to understand, and gestures for them all to come closer and join in the hug, a tear running from his eye. 

They order pizza, wash up in turns, and settle in the living-room, once again talking about Max, their feelings, their guilt, and they learn so much about their dad they hadn’t known, so much pain and blame inside his own heart, it hurts them all, and they end up crying together once again.

Jace gets up to get the food, wiping tears from his face, and when he comes back carrying the boxes, he’s rather amused. “The guy offered me a napkin, and asked half a dozen times whether I was okay, and if he should call someone.” He chuckles, and snivels.

“You do look like someone tore out your heart and trashed it on the floor, but still prettier than any of us, which is so unfair.” Izzy pouts a little, wipes her eyes, and smirks at him as he tries to poke her, grabs one of the boxes from him and sits down as they all settle on the rug around the table to eat. 

“I’m really grateful we’re all here together.” Maryse looks at each of them, and Robert squeezes her hand. They eat comfortably, quietly, everyone taking the time to let the emotional turmoil settle.

They spend a couple more hours together before exhaustion catches up with them, and Izzy declares she’ll sleep with Alec in his bed, as Robert takes the couch, and Jace says he’s fine staying in Max’s bedroom. Alec can’t recall when they last all stayed in a house together like this, not counting the sleepless nights they had worrying over Max’s life, or unable to sleep after his death.

He puts an arm around his sister as she cuddles up to him, asleep minutes later, his mind not quite there, yet. Everything that’s happened in only a couple of days is replaying before his eyes, the images, sensations, emotions, but in a safe way, his sister’s presence and soft snores soothing him. 

The feel of her, and her scent, reminds him of the last person he shared a bed with, and the thought of Magnus makes his chest ache, manifesting in the pit of his stomach, his skin swarmed with faint tingles, an intense urge to see him, right now, infesting inside him. 

In the morning it isn’t as strong anymore, but still there, ever-present throughout the day, and he is caught by his family, as well as by himself, several times, zoning out, thinking about calling, or just texting him, but in the end, he doesn’t, because he doesn’t know what to say, and all he wants to express would be shameful to do any other way than face to face.

He wants to wait until Monday evening, go to the office and apologize - though, the notion to always do that might not be right, after all. He shakes it off, he just wants to… see him. Right now. And he can.

Izzy knows where he works, and he’s surprised, for a few seconds, to find  _ Bane’s Art Gods,  _ on the highest floor of the building ( _ but you know Magnus loves a good view _ ), and puzzles over its name for a minute before he remembers Magnus talking about his love for the theater some time ago, and smirks at the savviness of it ( _ so Magnus),  _ pondering how many people actually get the reference as he makes his way inside.

The moment the elevator doors open, he finds himself astonished by the sight of what he thought would be an ordinary corridor, but is arranged like an exhibition, the embellishments and red, gold, and brown colors reminding again of grand, old theaters. All the art pieces must be Magnus’. 

He takes a few minutes to look at everything, then spots the door with the golden embroidered entrance sign, and pulls it open. 

It’s a little bit like walking into another world, his eyes immediately drawn upwards to take in all of the space. Large windows spend all of that natural light, but there’s a row of white lamps up there on the high ceiling, and two of the four walls are white while the others look like art pieces themselves; one is painted in dark purple, with gold and silver flourishes, and one starts black at the edges, and melts into a diversity of colors, more and more intense towards the middle, an explosion. 

There’s also a dark wooden staircase at the far end, leading atop, and rows of shelves and closets with all kinds of art supplies in the back. There are three canvases put up in front of the windows that seem to be in use at present, and some paintings, sculptures and other art objects in a neat pile to Alec’s right. 

He doesn’t know what he expected, but this is truly a unique experience. He’s also aware of the music coming from upstairs, a woman’s voice, rich with emotions, sad and lovesick. His spine prickles as he walks towards the staircase, debating whether he should have called, or waited after all, but Magnus is here somewhere, up there, and as he grips the handrail, his heart pounding in his ears, he takes courage, because he feels such an intense compulsion to see him, he’s rippled with tingles, his heart’s loud thudding reverberating in his ears.

It looks very different up here, all light wooden walls and ceiling, smaller and narrower, yet bright and welcoming, even though the smell of paint, wood, and paper is unfamiliar. Lots of canvases and other objects covered by large white fabrics are stacked against the walls, the music coming from a record player that looks like that of his parents he used to play with when he was young.

But all of that are subtle, involuntary observations as he’s staring at the man standing in the atelier, in the midst of covering up another tall canvas, and Alec seems frozen, unaware of his tight grip of the end of the handrail, of holding his breath, of the tremble that runs from his temples all the way into his toes. 

The gold-brown waistcoat he’s wearing emphasizes his slim waist, as well as his broad back and shoulders, the fabric of his cream shirt that seems to shimmer lightly with every movement, is skin tight, accentuating his muscles impeccably, and the dark-brown pants he’s wearing seem to mold against his perfect ass and legs. 

Alec can’t look away, his eyes flitting everywhere, to the wavy quiff of his hair, the rings on his fingers, the dark nail polish, and suddenly, the perfectly suitable make up around his eyes,  _ his eyes  _ \- wide and beautiful.

“Alexander? What are you doing here? Not that this isn’t the most welcome surprise, please come in.” His voice sounds a little odd to his own ears as he quickly moves to turn off the music, and gestures for him to come closer, aware of Alec’s tension, and he himself can feel his own heartbeat in his throat, dropping to his knees with the shock of seeing him, here of all places. 

He meant to message him, call, but he wanted to give him time and space, hopefully be with his family and work through some grief. But he couldn’t stop thinking about him, not even for a minute. 

And now his mind has to catch up with the look of him, stubble and messy hair, his scarf slung around his neck twice, his long coat open, but his eyes won’t let him move away, he feels magnetized. 

“I, I didn’t mean to interrupt-” 

“You’re not,” Magnus makes haste to reassure him, smiling, a warm sensation settling inside the pit of his stomach, radiating throughout his body. 

He notices Alec relaxing, affecting him too, an urge to take a few more steps towards him, to touch him, overcoming him.

“So, you found my lair, then,” he says amusedly, gesturing around the space. 

“Oh, oh, yeah, uh, Iz gave me the address, and it’s… I mean, it’s great, really great.” Alec curses himself inwardly, fumbling with the words and coming out with the poorest choice when he means  _ so _ much more. 

“Thank you, I fell in love with it right away, even though it was very empty and sad when I first looked at it, I knew it was mine to breathe life into. Downstairs is rather clean and empty right now, as you must have noticed, as I’m preparing for an exhibition. It’s usually messier, and livelier than that.” 

The way Magnus’ nose wrinkles with his grin convulses Alec’s stomach, stealing every thought he had. 

Magnus cocks his head to the side like an inquisitive cat, and Alec feels himself flushing, a shaky hand coming up to scratch an imagined itch from his nose, his eyes flicking downwards. 

Magnus takes a couple of steps forward, trying to will Alexander’s gaze upwards again. “Please, Alexander, tell me what’s on your mind? Anything you’d like to.” He smiles gently when Alec’s eyes quickly focus on him again, and he imagines the same shudder he’s feeling, running along the other man’s skin. 

“I, um, I just wanted to see you, and… say thank you, but also…” Magnus is holding his breath, watching Alexander’s hand running through his unruly hair, waiting patiently, his stomach coiled tightly.

“I talked to my family, we talked a lot, and- I’m sorry I’m so bad at this.” Magnus shakes his head, wishing he could make him feel completely safe, as Alec takes a breath, looking upwards. 

“It’s been intense, and emotional, but… I feel better, much better than before.” Their gazes meet again, and Magnus feels the subtle tingle of moisture gathering behind his eyes.

“I’m so happy to hear that, Alexander, honestly.” He can’t help reaching out for his hand, his fingers brushing Alec’s skin, a jolt alighting his nerves, rushing through him. 

Alec’s suddenly compelled to look down at their hands, Magnus’ fingers sending sparks into his skin, yet his touch is tender, almost like a careful inquiry, and Alec feels himself struggling with an unknown hurdle he wills away, unable to deny him, and himself.

He interlaces their fingers, holding on tightly, his lips shifting outwardly as he’s staring at Magnus’ beautiful smile, awfully familiar tears beginning to swim in his eyes. 

“Would you care to let me show you around?”

Alec nods hastily, relieved for the distraction and follows Magnus back downstairs, neither of them letting go of the other’s hand. 

“I painted the walls myself, they’re perfect for huge, elaborate art expressions… I usually repaint them every couple of months, but these will have to stay for a while longer.” He tugs him along to the back of the room, where he grips a handle and pulls, a whole shelf coming out of the wall, with dozens of art supplies inside, a hidden treasure trove. 

Alec just looks at everything stunned, feeling overwhelmed, which seems to be his status quo now, and when he sees the box full of colorful glitter, his only thought is how much Max would love it here, and he turns away, tears already spilling, and he doesn’t even fully know why.

“Alexander?” 

He can’t think of anything to say relating to his sudden outburst, but he remembers something else. “My mother, uh, she’s inviting you over for dinner at our house, but only if you want to, of course.” He sniffs, his free hand pushing into his eyes to make the tears stop. 

He feels Magnus’ hand warm in his, his body shifting around him slowly. “You’re crying because your mother invited me over for dinner?” His voice sounds so precarious, yet sweet, Alec chortles softly, dropping his hand, shaking his head, and takes a deep breath.

“No, of course not, I don’t know why I am, but I seem to be unable to stop for even five minutes.” He looks at him apologetically, not expecting Magnus’ free hand to move up to cradle his cheek, their faces so close suddenly, his breath hitches, but when their foreheads settle against one another, the way it relaxes him surprises, yet delights him. 

“You’ve been here longer than five minutes, so that’s not quite true.” Magnus whispers, smiling softly, knowing all too well what this feels like. He couldn’t ever attempt to count the times he’s burst into tears for apparently no reason _. _ There’s always a reason, whether one is aware or not. 

Alec sighs, his breath quivering. “Yeah, sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t. Don’t ever be sorry for your feelings. They’re the only truth we have, and the truth needs to come out. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

Alec relaxes more, letting another few tears free, feeling as if being here with him like this is nothing short of a kind of wonder. 

When they move backwards to look at each other, his eyes flitting to Magnus’ lips, sensations and memories rush over him.

He licks his slightly salty lips, locking eyes with Magnus. “Do you feel this… weird, too? Like, what happened between us didn’t really happen, but at the same time it feels almost too real, and I can’t stop thinking… and feeling it.” 

Magnus nods, his expression almost vulnerable, hopeful, and something else Alec can’t interpret, but his chest tightens, his whole being pulled in, his eyes closing as Magnus’ features grow hazy, the first touch of their lips unfurling all of his pent-up tension, his arm sliding around Magnus’ waist to draw him in closer, the elation pouring over him making him want to keep him right here forever. 

Magnus is lapping up the salty remnants of Alexander’s tears from his lips when his body involuntarily tenses, the sound of a door opening in the back of his mind, footsteps forcing them to move apart. 

“Sorry, customers.” He really is incredibly sorry for having to cut this short, everything inside him striving against having to let go of Alexander, wishing he could spend every minute of today - of every day if he’s honest with himself - with him.

Alec wipes his face subtly and smiles a little, shaking his head. “Don’t be, it’s fine. I’ll see you later.” He denies himself leaning in for a kiss goodbye, their fingertips a last brushing touch of connection, before they’re wholly parted, and he’s striding for the door, nodding subtly at the people looking curiously at him, refusing to let himself take a last look back. 

The door shuts behind him, and the breath he’s been holding comes out raggedly, two of his fingers pressed against his lips, the dream-like sensation lingering on long after he left the building.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really bad for prolonging the last part yet another time, but it would be too long otherwise, and I would keep feeling pressure to shorten it, and I don't want that, because it needs the time and care I allowed myself to put in these past weeks, and will continue to do so, so I won't have any regrets in the end. I only need to write two more scenes (probably), and I have written some of the last part already, so hopefully it won't take too long to finish.
> 
> So much love and hugs and strength to everyone, I need it myself, too, but even though this is painful and emotional and heavy in many ways, it's also really comforting, especially Magnus... he's incredible, but I just love and adore all of them so dearly, I'm so grateful and lucky to have them.

After Magnus sends off his customers, he pulls his phone from his pant’s pocket, and calls Isabelle. 

“Hello, darling, I just wanted to ask how you are doing.” 

They talk for a while, and he’s glad to get confirmation that the Lightwoods seem to have crossed a bridge to work through their grief together, just like Alec said. He still feels like he should do something to help, but he doesn’t know what, and he doesn’t want to overstep. 

After today, he feels quite confident that there is more than sex as a catalyst for poignant emotions between Alec and himself, and that Alec feels it, too, but it’s still a fragile beginning, especially with what Alec’s going through, and he doesn’t want to jeaopardize it. 

He’s been staring at his phone screen for minutes before he realizes, looks up, and takes in the room, then turns slowly. He wants to message Alec, badly, but a part of him is advising him not to rush into anything, for Alec’s sake, but also his own. He’s been bruised and left alone too many times, but his heartbeat elevates every time his thoughts drift to Alexander, and something inside his belly tightens, yearns for something he knows is pointless to deny. 

_ Are you really going to plunge into this heart first, head later?  _

Magnus breathes heavily through his nose, eyes closed, thinking he might already be past that. He brings up his phone and scrolls to Alec’s name. 

_ I am available for that family dinner, in case I failed to make it clear earlier. If you are comfortable with that.  _

It’s not too much, just a confirmation, and Alec can decide from here. Magnus nods, trying to placate himself, and heads upstairs to finish up, needing to do something to balance the jittery energy that’s coursing through his body.

He barely reached the top step, when his phone buzzes, and he takes it out again. 

_ Tomorrow night. 6 pm, if that works for you? You don’t have to bring anything, just be aware we’re all prone to tears these days, but we’ll do our best.  _

Magnus smiles, surprised and happy that Alec seems good with him coming, also a little sad he feels like he needs to apologize to him for his, and his family’s grief. But, one step at a time.

_ I’ll be there, gladly. And don’t worry about me, it will be fine. Xx  _

~

Isabelle is the first to greet him at the door with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and a smile that’s overtly welcoming, chopping off some of his nerves that appeared inevitably on his way to the Lightwood family home. Lydia greets him next with a warm smile, and a tight hug.

“Magnus! So glad you could join us.” Maryse joins them, smiles and pulls him into a hug, and though he’s surprised, he feels even more relieved, and grateful they got this chance.

“Maryse, thank you for inviting me, I really appreciate it.” She smiles even more warmly at him, squeezes his arm gently, and shakes her head. 

“Of course you’re welcome, and thank you so much for everything you’ve been doing.” Jace, and Robert appear, and Alec behind them, and she leaves it at that, hoping Magnus understands.

Robert shakes his hand, welcoming him, and Jace gives him a one armed hug, and a big smirk, and then he’s facing Alec, and the others seem to disappear.

Alec’s smile is small, but lovely, sparking a few dozen butterflies in his belly. “Hello, Alexander.” 

He moves in, gauging Alec’s reaction, breathing more relaxed when Alec’s arms slide around his shoulders, his chin resting on his shoulder momentarily, and he might just be imagining it, but he can hear relief in his breathing, and Magnus closes his eyes for just a second.

He smiles softly as they part, and Alec gestures to him to follow to the dining area, where the others are waiting. He’s sure they made a special effort to cook, and even decorate, but it might have been something to focus on to take their minds off of certain other things, and Magnus can very much relate to that.

They talk about his work, the gallery, his art, and the project, of course, and the food is delicious, and everyone seems genuinely interested, and comfortable in his presence, and the last few doubts evaporate in his mind, as he also feels comfortable here, and most of the time when he glances at Alexander, he sees him already looking his way, which makes him stupidly happy, and he doesn’t mind. 

When everyone seems to get up simultaneously to clear the table, Magnus naturally does the same, but gets stopped instantly by Maryse, and so he stays put, watching the others leave, surprised to find Alec still sitting at the table with him. But he seems nervous now, fidgeting with his hands. 

“Alexander, what is it?” He tries to sound reassuring, to make him understand that anything is okay to tell him.

“Um, I just,” he shrugs a little, his eyes flitting across the table, unable to keep looking at Magnus, finally takes pause, inhales, and exhales through his nose, and meets Magnus’ eyes, unwavering.

“I was wondering whether you want to see his room.” 

A shudder of surprise runs along the back of his neck, his stomach coiling tightly. He is transfixed by Alexander’s gaze, so staggeringly open, and trusting, making him wonder how he gained his confidence, how he could possibly be deserving of it - but, oh, he will not gamble with something so notable, and fragile, he will give anything he can to be worthy of it.

“I would like to, if you are ready to show me. Please don’t think you have to.” 

The tautness in his chest dissipates the moment Magnus speaks, his eyes trained on his mouth, wondering why it is the sound of his voice that grants his body, and mind, such comfort, he can feel its effect immediately. 

Alec nods, stands, and offers his hand to Magnus, nerves alighting inside him, sparking in the cusps of his fingers as they brush Magnus’, alarming his senses, yet the moment their hands clasp, he feels a sudden, strange calmness, intently searching Magnus’ face, whether he knows of it, too, and might feel a miniscule amount the same.

Magnus’ eyes radiate a deep, warm, kindness, rushing over Alec like rain in summer, filling his lungs with hope, and his heart with courage, and his lips curl into a smile, as he squeezes Magnus’ hand gingerly.

They hear voices from the kitchen, and the living room, but no one comes to look for them. Alec taps the light switch, the dark room suddenly too bright, but his eyes adjust quickly. 

Their fingers slide apart, an aching jab inside him lingering, but he bears it no mind, an odd captivation taking over as he observes Magnus taking  _ him _ in.

Magnus feels quiet. A quiet that could be unnerving, even distressing, that made him run from rooms, and hide under covers, willing the world to go away and leave him be. But this quiet is not so. It fills him up, makes him exceedingly aware of his own body, the way his feet sound on the carpet, his clothes rustle when he moves, his breath comes out of his mouth, and the volume of his heartbeat, the air in the space shifting by simply opening one door, as if it was somehow keeping it in a vacuum he has come to disturb, a sense of reverence around him, seeping into him, making it hard for a moment to distinguish his own feelings and memories, unrelated, yet, inevitably ending the same. 

His eyes sweep the posters on the wall, drawn to the photos foremost. He hasn’t seen Max before, and he’s curiously surprised at how different he looks from his siblings. His gaze drops to the candies on the table, reviving painful memories of Alec in the office, the sickly sweet smell of them vividly disturbing his senses until he turns away to look over the rest of the room. 

His mind is painting a picture of many colors, an idea of what his voice sounded like, his laughter, his cries. It’s a lot to process, but he wants to do this, for Alec, but also for himself, though he can’t quite explain why. 

The desk by the window is covered with drawings; of robots, dinosaurs, and animals. A few people, as well, and he recognizes the Lightwoods, a drawing of his whole family. He touches the edge of the paper, studies every line, imagining him sitting here, holding the pen, his arm and elbow on the desk, drawing the images inside his mind, what he enjoyed, was interested in, loved. 

There is no doubt that he loved his family, and there couldn’t ever be any about how much they loved him, painted in all of their eyes like an eternal truth. 

He inhales to loosen the knots inside his chest, straightens, and turns slowly towards Alec, who has been watching him silently. Magnus wishes he knew what he needs him to say when his eyes seem so desperately wanting for something. 

But Alec turns away before he can, his fingers splayed on the bedside table, lightly tapping the surface, his other hand twitching slightly at his side, and Magnus deems it safer to observe, and wait for a sign from him. 

His body feels taut, and weak, at the same time too hot, nerves causing havoc in his stomach, an urge to scratch every inch of his own skin with an itch that grows more and more awkward. 

He hasn’t figured out where these sensations are coming from, they just appear, in different manners, different situations, different intensities, whenever they deem right to do so. He hasn’t figured out how to handle them, either. He just tries to breathe through them, to wait them out. 

He hates it’s happening now that Magnus is here, and he’s glad he came, and he’s glad he can share this piece of his brother with him, but he also feels raw, and tight-drawn, longing for an escape, overwhelmed by the abruptness of exposure he feels just by standing here, knowing what Magnus already knows, making it all so much more real.

Mostly, he hates being swallowed by the helplessness, the staggering realization of the fact that his brother is dead, and he can’t change anything that’s happened, anything he did or didn’t do, no matter how violently he wishes for it. Part of him just doesn’t get it, can’t adapt to this new reality. It feels so unreal. How could it be? 

“Do you need a moment alone?” 

Alec’s compelled to look at Magnus, his breath stifling for a moment, his mind faltering, torn between decisions he can’t find the strength to make, his forearms crossing, his fingers pinching the skin on the crooks of his arms, his eyes darting to the floor, distorted rushing in his ears, and he’s still trying to fight through it, push the chaos away, and become calmer. 

_ I know you can do it.  _

Max’s voice startles him, his body suddenly unmoving, his mind appeased. He used to tell him that whenever Alec was tired, or worried, or feeling insecure. And every time he did make it. He persevered and worked it out, or just got through, and realized that some situations were never as bad as they seemed in his head, or that he was stronger than he thought. 

He takes a deep, slow breath. He  _ can  _ do it. 

“No, stay, please.” 

He drops his arms, taking a step forward, stopping himself, clueless as to what he wants to do, his eyes pleading with Magnus as if he knew the answer.

Magnus has been watching Alec with great apprehension, only able to guess what’s been happening inside of him, expecting anything from a panic attack, to another breakdown. He’s extraordinarily grateful for his ability to exude calmness on the outside, even when anxiety grips, and threatens him to lose control. 

He’s only aware of the strain inside his own body, when it snaps suddenly, letting him breathe easier, his arms opening, non-threatening, and welcoming. 

“Would you like a hug? I would, if you don’t mind.” 

He bares a gentle smile, not taking his eyes off of Alec, not expecting the way his expression changes. His mouth starts to quiver as his eyes swim with tears, and he nods just before the distance between them disappears, and Magnus huffs a startled breath when Alec’s body presses against him with unforeseen intensity, his arms’ hold tight around him, stirring a multitude of emotions as he closes his eyes, his arms wound around him, sounds of their relieved exhalations prevailing. 

Alec feels minute in Magnus’ embrace, his ingrained drive to be  _ the strong one _ overlaying his more pressing need to let go, rely on somebody else, and accept comfort. But the longer they stay like this, and Magnus doesn’t seem in any haste to separate, Alec can feel it ebbing away, his mind focusing instead on how warm, and strong, and steadfast Magnus feels against, and around him, how wonderful he smells, and how much he wants to be held by him, before another notion surfaces from within his deepest longing, overpowering everything else - the desperate want to feel  _ forgiven.  _

Magnus is stroking Alec’s back gently, aware of the tension in his body easing, Alec’s weight leaning into him for support, his fingers curled into Magnus’ shirt, his face in his neck where he can feel his lips against the thin fabric. 

He doesn’t mind, not at all, his only concern Alec’s comforted right now, glad he’s the one to do it. He wants to do more for him, this family, but especially Alexander, he doesn’t need to deny that. And in this moment, he feels confident that he’ll get the chance. 

He feels rather stiff in places when Alec starts to move, slowly pulling backwards, not meeting Magnus’ eyes.

“There’s no need to feel ashamed, ever.” He moves his hand slowly, caressing a small strand of hair from Alec’s forehead, finally catching his gaze. 

Alec seems to want to say something, but settles for a nod, his tongue licking over his lips where Magnus’ eyes can’t but follow. His breath hitches, his skin prickling as he looks up, the hazel in Alec’s eyes suddenly very intense, vast, and inviting. 

For a second, he expects them to kiss, but the corner of Alec’s mouth twitches into the tiniest smile before he lets go of him, and turns away, and Magnus quickly adjusts his shirt, and his heart to slow down. 

“What’s that?” 

Magnus turns to Alec who’s standing in front of the desk by the window, holding a small bag in his hand, revealing a camera inside as he opens it.

“What do you mean?” 

“I don’t remember… no, I think dad got him that some time, I saw it once at the hospital, I think.” 

Magnus watches him checking it out, sudden surprise flooding his face.

“Something’s on it, there’s a memory card, and it’s not empty.” Alec’s face is a painful picture of excitement, and apprehension, but before Magnus can say anything, he’s striding out of the room, leaving Magnus a few seconds to gather himself, and close the door of Max’s room behind him.

He finds Alec with the rest of his family in the living room, where he is setting up a notebook on the table to watch what’s on the camera. 

Magnus suddenly feels like he’s intruding something profoundly personal, and he should make a quick exit, but when Isabelle notices him standing there, she smiles warmly and pats the space next to her on the couch where she, Lydia, and her dad are sitting while Maryse, and Jace are occupying the ottoman on the other side. 

Magnus still hesitates, questioning her, no doubt, generous, but possibly misunderstood intentions. But when he finds Alec looking right at him, nodding once, wearing a soft smile, Magnus’ trepidation falters, more so when Maryse, too, is smiling at him, and he sits down on the couch, leaving space for Alec next to him and Isabelle. She leans over, and squeezes his hand for a moment, then Alec is ready, pushing himself up onto his feet to sit down next to Magnus. 

The video starts on fullscreen, and Max appears, sitting up in a hospital bed, a breathing tube leading into his nose. He looks pale, and fragile, but his eyes are vivid and curious. 

Magnus can feel every one of them holding their breath, doing the same involuntarily, a cold shudder expanding across his body when he notices the way Alec’s fingers are intertwined so tightly there seems to be no blood left in them. 

“Hi. So, dad, you got me this camera, and it’s pretty cool, so thank you. I’m really bored just now, and also I think today is a good day to record this, because I can breathe quite well, and I can talk, which is really helpful for doing this.”

Max smirks into the camera, a cough suddenly shaking him, but he continues as if nothing happened.

“I really hate the hospital, even though I know it’s the only place that can fix me up again, but it’s really tedious. But, the point of this isn’t me yammering at you, but me telling you something, because I might not get to say it again, and I know you guys love me, but I can just see you all getting emotional if I told you this in person, so this is the better option, because, hey, I’m the one in here ‘cause I’m sick, not you guys, so have some decorum.” 

He grins. “I got that word from watching tv show reruns when I can’t sleep, and don’t be mad at the nurses, they’re really sweet.” 

He pauses, seemingly gathering his thoughts. 

“I’m gonna start with Jace, ‘cause he was the last to visit me here. So, Jace, first of all, I was right, Allosauruses are carnivores, like I said, and second, thank you for being a really cool big brother. You always make me laugh, and you taught me some great pranks and tricks, and I also remember when you told me how bad you felt when I was born, because you were scared you would screw up, and be a bad brother for me, but you never screwed up, even when I was mad at you sometimes, and you teased me too much, I still loved you, so please don’t worry about that. I’m really happy you came to us, and became part of our family, because I wouldn’t give you away for anything, not even being healthy, so stop worrying, okay?” 

Magnus glances over to Jace, and Maryse, clutching each other, tears running down their faces. 

“Dad - I might not fully understand why you had to leave our home, but I’m not mad anymore, and you did keep your promises, and thank you for coming when I needed you, and not arguing with mom for my sake. I guess it was really hard for you both, and I hate to see you yell and cry, and I’m glad you don’t do that anymore, because even when I was mad and thought I hated you, I really didn’t, and I love you a lot, and please be nice to each other. And mom, thank you for always trying to explain the hard things to me, even when I was too young to get it. I know you hurt a lot, also because of me, because of my sickness, and I know it’s not my fault, but it’s not your fault, either, and I’m really lucky to have you as my mom, and to have you all as my family.” 

“Sister, you’re super smart, and super pretty, but I’m still smarter, and maybe I would be prettier in time, you never know.” He grins broadly into the camera, and Izzy sobs into her hand, held by Lydia.

“But seriously - not that I wasn’t just serious, because I sure was, but, I also need to thank you for always having my back, and fighting my fights when I couldn’t, and being on my side, and for teaching me a lot of cool stuff, and being the best sister ever.” He blows her a kiss. “I also really like your girlfriend, she’s a keeper.” He grins broadly. “Hi, Lydia.” He waves into the camera.

“But, you know what’s better than having a brother and a sister? Having two brothers.” He rolls his eyes at himself, then smirks. “Alec, you’re not just my big brother but all our big brother, and that has to be tough sometimes, I know we’ve all given you some trouble, and me most, probably, because you had to look after me so much, and I know it wasn’t always easy. I’m sorry, but thank you very much for being there for me, and holding my hand, and telling me that everything would be fine. You never lied to me, and you always know what to say, and I never figured out how you do that, but maybe that’s just you.” 

He smiles, but Alec can’t see it, having shifted off the couch, crouching at the floor, his arms crossed over his knees, his face pushed in between, his back twitching with silent sobs. Izzy’s got a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him as he cries, crying herself. 

“You’re all the best family I could have wished for, and I hate that your lives revolve around my sickness so much, and I want you to know that I’m very thankful, I’m very glad you’re my family, and no one else, and I hope that I can be there for you, too, some day, and make you glad I’m your little brother, too. That would be cool. And also, whatever you think you can’t manage, you know, you can do it. You’re the strongest people I know, and you’ve always been so strong for me, so don’t worry so much, just be happy, and laugh, I always loved the times we laughed together best.” 

He’s looking away from the camera now, thinking quietly, then turns back, and smiles softly. “I love you all, and I promise I’ll do my best to get better. Bye for now.” He turns it off, and the screen goes black.

The room seems eerily silent, but just for a second until everyone’s grievous sounds ring like echos all around them. 

Isabelle’s hand is clinging to Alec’s shoulder, and the fabric of his top, while she’s sobbing into her other hand, held closely by Lydia, Robert’s arms around them both, trying to quieten his own crying, and Jace, and Maryse are helplessly crying while holding each other. 

Alec is swaying lightly on his feet, his body trembling, and heaving with the impact of his grief spiraling, finally breaking free, a crater of raw mourning opening up inside him, every shallow breath burning his lungs, suffocated by his cries of bitter anguish. 

Magnus feels paralyzed by witnessing the heaviness of their grief, tears brimming in his eyes, his chest closed, and his throat clogged, his hands shaking uncontrollably as he leans forward, placing them carefully over Isabelle’s, and on Alec’s back. 

He shuts his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks, and thinks of his mother’s soothing voice, and comforting words, willing them somehow to help everyone around him, so they’ll find a way to eventually heal. 

Magnus snaps his eyes open abruptly, surprised to find Maryse, and Jace kneeling next to Alec, as well as Isabelle, Lydia, and Robert having shifted closer to him, each of them touching him and each other protectively, trying to spend comfort. 

Magnus startles inwardly when he feels a hand on his knee, meeting Maryse’s tear-stained, red rimmed eyes, feeling astounded by her attempt to comfort even him, and the kindness in her eyes, so similar to Alexander’s.

The room’s solaced somberness shatters when Alec moves suddenly, stands stiffly, and walks out without a word or backward glance, leaving them all worrying. 

~

Alec reaches the bathroom in a few long strides, turns the faucet on cold and splashes his face a few times while his ragged breaths echo inside his ears, his heart pumping inside his chest, and  _ everything  _ hurts.

He grabs the sides of the basin, his upper body bent forward, his head down low, his eyes closed as he breathes, in and out and in and out, every single breath worsening the soreness inside of him.

And then he waits, but he doesn’t know what for. 

He hears a knock on the doorframe, his mind registering that he didn’t close the door, and his body stiffens, hurting more.

“Alec.” 

His mom’s voice reaches him, and his arms start to tremble, his lips to quiver, and he swallows thickly, only just keeping himself from falling apart.

He feels her hand on his back, feels her right next to him, and despite his need to stay in control, he turns, pushing himself upwards, and when he meets her sorrow-filled eyes, he flings his arms around her, pulling her as tightly against himself as he dares, a sob muffled in her hair. 

He can hear her soft words, the gentle tone of her voice, but his mind is filled with his brother’s words, the way he looked, memories of when he looked much sicker, couldn’t speak, or move, and cried silently, and there was nothing anyone could do, invading his head. 

He could have prevented it, he should have. No, the doctor said it wasn’t necessary, he’d be okay. No, he should have known better. No, nothing would have changed. But maybe! Maybe!  _ Maybe!  _

He tries to drown the screams, his own silent ones, clutching his mom, crying, being cut open more so than before, the rawness of his wounds spreading in the whole of his being. 

Eventually, exhaustion calms him, or dulls the brunt of his emotional torment enough to make him weary, and loosen his grip, leaning back against the basin.

His mother’s hands feel clammy as they curl around his face, her eyes sad, yet kind, and it almost rips him open again.

“Nothing about this was your fault, Alec. I swear to you that it wasn’t. No one is blaming you for anything.” 

“They should, you all should.” It bursts from him before he can stop himself, loathing how his mother’s face contorts painfully.

“No, Alec, we never will, and you’re going to have to learn to forgive yourself, because Max wouldn’t blame you, and he wouldn’t want you to hurt like this because of him. He loved you so much, all of us, and he would want us to be happy.”

Alec bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying anything, or crying again, his hands fisted at his sides, finding it impossibly hard to accept her words, knowing he has to at least try, nods a little, his eyes downward, unable to bear seeing the truth on her face. He  _ knows,  _ but Max wouldn’t even blame him if it truly was his fault, because he was way too special and kind, and maybe didn’t even understand all of it… but then Alec really doesn’t understand it, either. 

There’s only pain, guilt, and sadness.

She hugs him again, and he rests his head on her shoulder, hugging her much lighter now, trying to become calm enough to function again, and face his family… and Magnus. He warned him, but he could never have expected  _ this,  _ and he feels utterly guilty for losing it like that, especially because Magnus had to witness it.

“Just give me a minute.” He moves backwards, a hint of a smile on his tear-stained face, and she nods, her eyes shining with how much she’s hurting for him, and her love for him, kisses his cheek, and leaves him be.

Alec takes a deep, slow breath, shutting his eyes, trying to loosen his stone-hard muscles. He washes his face properly again, dries it, and his hands, and talks courage into him so he can face the others again. 

He loses his barely there bravado the moment he steps back into the living room, six pairs of tear-dimmed eyes looking at him. 

He wishes he could shake the tremors surging through his whole body, a new light sheen of sweat building instantly across his skin, and all he wants is to hide, lie down, pull the cover over his face, and pretend the world doesn’t go on outside of his room.

Instead, he somehow musters a, he hopes, reassuring smile for everyone, regret filling him the moment he locks eyes with Magnus, whose overwhelmingly strong, calming presence shocks Alec into stillness.  _ How does he do that? _

The clock is right behind where Magnus is standing, and Alec’s brain works for him, thankfully. 

“Dad, can I borrow your car to drive Magnus home?” 

He glances over at his father, who nods immediately, checking his pockets quickly, before he seems to remember. “They’re in my jacket by the front door.” Alec nods, and starts to move there while sending Magnus a meaningful look.

Magnus feels quite taken aback by this development, first worrying about Alexander’s well-being, not knowing what - if - to do anything, not knowing whether to even stay here or not. But none of them made him feel like he shouldn’t be here for even a second all night, and he’s really grateful for that.

He isn’t sure how to say goodnight to these people, he feels such tremendous sympathy and compassion for, after what just happened, but they’re all on their feet before he can attempt to say anything, hugging him goodnight, thanking him, even apologizing which he immediately dismisses kindly.

He squeezes Isabelle’s hand, smiling gently at her, at them all, before he lets go and heads after Alec, who is waiting fully dressed, with Magnus’ coat, holding it out so Magnus can slip right into it. 

“Thank you.” Magnus feels anxious shivers washing over him while he quickly gets ready, uncertain of what to expect from here, but shoves those feelings down, and follows Alec outside into the cold winter night to where his father’s car is parked.

When they’re both inside, Magnus notices Alec’s hesitation to turn it on, and shifts as far as the seat belt allows towards him, but decides not to say anything, to give him time to sort out whatever is on his mind.

Magnus can feel the tension inside him the moment Alec is about to get there, as well as it slipping away again. But he can accept it, he can accept pretty much anything, especially in their situation.

Alec starts the car and drives off, the radio on quietly. Magnus glances out of the window, so aware of Alexander an arm’s length away, hoping he can make him feel calm, and reassured, and that he knows Magnus doesn’t expect anything from him. He’s more than willing to take this as slow as Alec needs to, in any way he does.

Once they’re parked in front of Magnus’ building, Alec unfastens his seat belt, but rests his hands in his lap, looking down at them. 

Magnus lets his seat belt draw back quietly, turning more towards him, watching his face, wishing he could see inside his head to make it easier for them both, but he’s had to learn patience the hard way, and, most of the time, he’s a pro at it now.

“I know you don’t want me to apologize, but I  _ am _ sorry for how the night turned out, you shouldn’t have had to see all of that.” 

Magnus can feel the pain in every one of Alec’s softly spoken words, and he covers Alec’s hands with his own before he can overthink it. 

“I understand that, and it’s okay, but you need to know that I wouldn’t change anything, not for my sake.” 

His chest pulls in tightly as Alec glances over at him, and he wishes he could hold him, heal him, keep him safe forever. Instead, he smiles gently, hoping Alec can see his earnesty.

Alec nods a little, licks his lips as he looks away again, and squeezes Magnus’ fingers before he reaches for the door to open it. Magnus gets out of the car, and walks around to where Alec is stood, looking up at the building. 

He marvels at how lovely he looks, even battered like this, his heart hurting so much for him. “Can I give you a hug?” He’s had to learn the hard way to ask for, and accept comfort like this, too, but he’s glad now that he can. 

Alec seems a little startled, looking down at Magnus, but takes only a second to nod, and lean in as their arms wrap around each other.

“I… just…”

Magnus can hear the tears in Alec’s voice as his long fingers grip Magnus’ coat harder, and he holds him tighter, his fingers reaching and stroking his hair on the back of his head.

“It’s okay, I promise, and it will get more bearable, slowly, but it will.” 

Alec exhales and inhales heavily a few times, then nods, and pulls back reluctantly, his cheek and then his lips, brushing Magnus’ face, who’s suddenly holding his breath, his heart beating out of his chest, his skin prickling with heat.

Their eyes lock for a mere instant, before their faces move, their lips cold with the first touch, warming up with every sweet pull and slide. His fingers are still in Alec’s hair, and he can feel the other man’s shivers as if they were his own, his stomach swooping, something visceral alighting inside of him, sparking heat, longing for closeness. 

But it retracts the moment he’s aware of Alec retreating, having to accept that now isn’t the right time.

He smiles tenderly when he sees the uncertainty, and the struggle, on Alexander’s beautiful face. 

“It’s fine, don’t say anything.” Magnus hastens his words, cups Alec’s chin and gingerly swipes his thumb over his kiss swollen bottom lip, before he leans in closer and presses his lips onto the corner of his mouth, lingering for just a second.

Alec closes his eyes, his skin riddled with tiny explosions, desire and reason fighting a battle inside him. It’s impossible to comprehend what Magnus makes him feel, the intensity even in all the tenderness, the soothing, all-encompassing solace, and the imperious urge to  _ be  _ with him.  _ Close, closer. _

And if Magnus didn’t let go of him, he would have been too weak to resist it. 

He looks at him for a long moment, unable to find a way to thank him, for tonight, for every moment he was there for him, in a way he’s never known before, without seeming to want anything in return. 

And the way he looks at him,  _ sees _ and understands him, what he needs without himself knowing what that might be. He has never looked more wonderful than tonight, his cheeks and nose rosy from the cold, his lips reddened from their kiss, his eyes a never ending source of goodness to drown in. 

He knows he loves him then, and he isn’t afraid of it, or even surprised anymore. Of all the things he wishes he could change, this isn’t one of them. 

Right at this moment, he’s standing in front of the man he’s in love with, no matter whether he feels the same, and it’s enough. 

He smiles softly, takes a step closer, his hands curling around Magnus’ shoulders as he kisses his cheek. “Next time I’m here, I’d like to come upstairs.” 

Their deep connection is palpable in their gazes, and Magnus’ surprised, yet eager little nod, lightens Alec’s face up, and makes the loss of his touch a little more bearable as he takes a step back towards the car.

“Goodnight, Magnus.” 

“Goodnight, Alexander.” 

Alec decides not to wait, as the way Magnus keeps looking at him as if he was the only thing worth seeing, is threatening his carefully woven resolve to leave.

He gets into the car, gifts him a grateful smile, and drives home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this I had written months ago, but then I just couldn't write at all anymore... my sister passed away a year ago yesterday, which is why I came back to this story and loved what I had and wanted to try to continue, and suddenly, finally, I had it done. Really didn't think I could anymore. 
> 
> I can't even dislike any part of it, as that would be a dishonor to my sis, and I can't do that. Obviously, I'd rather have her back than this story, but as that's impossible, I'll cherish the huge comfort this has given me... these two... no words. I love them with all I have. 
> 
> I had to give them a hopeful, happy end (to this fic) of course, and love to imagine how much they'll grow and learn to cope and live their lives. No other way in fiction for me. 
> 
> All my love and hugs to whoever might read this.
> 
> Eternal thanks to my friend and Parabeta who is my lifeline and the one person to always support me fully, and to make the loneliness that is writing bearable.
> 
> The song used is of course P!nk's 'Glitter in the air' <3

When he puts the keys on the table in the corridor, his view falls on his face in the small mirror there. A warm shudder trickles through him as he stares at his own lips, his hand suddenly there, two of his fingers pressing against them, letting him bask in a memory of feeling Magnus’ mouth. 

He smiles fleetingly, wondrously, a little amused at himself, drops his hand, undresses his shoes, scarf, and coat, and walks into the living room, to find only Isabelle and Jace, waiting on the couch.

He squeezes himself into their middle, and wraps an arm around them each, their heads leaning against his, shutting his eyes, glad he regained enough strength to give some back to them now. 

“How is Magnus?” Jace breaks the silence first.

Alec should know what he means, but his mind is unable to reach a conclusion, overwhelmed with emotions, and the wonder of his memories of how charming Magnus was, and the extent of his feelings for him.

“Magnus… he’s… quite magical.” He smirks softly, absentmindedly, amused, as well as stunned at how true this feels. 

Izzy and Jace pull back to stare at him, not having expected such an answer.

“Wow, either you’re drunk, or-”

“He’s obviously in love,” Izzy finishes Jace’s sentence, her expression suddenly overly emotional.

Alec barely reacts to it, feeling oddly peaceful at this moment in time, despite what happened earlier. A smidge of a smile appears at the corner of his mouth as he shrugs lightly.

“Oh, Alec. You know it’s true, I can see it all over your face, and I’m really happy for you- sorry.” She starts to cry again abruptly, and Alec pulls her into a big hug. 

“It’s okay, but you don’t have to cry for me.” 

“We’re all so emotionally charged all the time, we cry at every damn thing. Yesterday I watched the neighbor’s dog playing fetch in the garden, and started to bawl, it’s insane.” 

Alec watches Jace rubbing his swollen, red eyes, feeling a pang of pain and guilt, but they’re all bound tightly by understanding, and compassion for each other. 

He moves one arm and grabs Jace’s neck gently, pulling him close again.

“I’ve got you,” Alec murmurs into his hair.

“And we’ve got you,” Izzy whispers, and Jace nods, and squeezes them both.

Alec breathes deeply, knowing he has a long way to go before he can fully reach acceptance about a lot of things he’s been struggling with. 

“Max would adore him, you know? He’d make him paint with him, and make you take him to his studio, and ask him a million art questions.” 

Alec smiles gently, even though his heart stretches so thin it’s short of its breaking point again.

“Yeah, he would. But you’re too eager. Magnus, and I, we haven’t really talked about this, us, and I don’t know what he feels, or wants.” 

Izzy and Jace move again to look at him. “Alec, please. If I’ve ever seen a man in love, it’s Magnus.” She looks at him, a mix of sympathy, and incomprehension at his foolishness. 

Alec frowns, not wanting to draw any conclusion before he gets the chance to talk to Magnus, even though he wants to believe her so badly, and feel the alleviation blossoming inside of his chest the mere thought of Magnus emanates inside of him, instead of the agony that’s been his involuntary companion for too long. 

“Trust me, he looks at you the same way you look at him, like you’re the eighth wonder of the world.” 

She smiles, eyes full of tears again, Jace confirming her observation, and Alec just hugs them both tighter, words failing to convey what he feels inside. 

~

_ Can I see you today?  _

It’s been a day and a half since dinner night, and Alec hasn’t been able to think of anything but his little brother’s video, and Magnus. He can’t see or talk to Max, and for that he will feel eternally heartsore, but he could see Magnus, and he feels as if he might jump out of his own skin if he won’t soon. 

_ I’ll be free in an hour, do you want to come to my apartment?  _

Alec feels relief wash over him, confirms quickly, and gets ready. He’s a little early, but tries the buzzer anyway, happy when he’s let in. 

His heart is suddenly hammering in his chest, and he rolls his eyes at himself, but he also feels at ease in a way he hasn’t since he last saw him, and he knows he’s comfortable in Magnus’ space, with his cat, with him. It’s warm, and safe, and - Magnus opens the door for him, and Alec loses his train of thought. 

“Hello, Alexander.” Magnus’ eyes rake over him, causing Alec to shudder bone-deep. 

“Please, come in.” Magnus’ smile is tender, yet, the look in his eyes is underlying with something fervent, alighting a burn deep inside of Alec.

He passes him, catching a whiff of his cologne, inhaling more deeply. He may never get sick of that scent. He hangs up his coat and scarf, and is careful not to dirty the floor when he gets out of his shoes, then turns back to Magnus who’s standing still, watching him, probably has been watching him until now. 

A rush of cold-hot heat runs along Alec’s spine, goosebumps covering his neck, as he wonders how it’s possible that someone can cause these reactions in him just by their sheer presence. But when he’s with Magnus, all of Magnus’ attention seems to be on  _ him,  _ and that’s something he isn’t used to, and will need a lot more time to get used to… if only Magnus wants to spend that time on him, as well.

Magnus is radiating a familiar sense of warm, golden solace, and Alec is moving before he can decide otherwise. 

“Is this okay?” His heart feels like a drum as he looks at him not quite certain, arms about to reach for him, all of his nerve endings prickling with tension, which falls off of him the instant he sees Magnus’ smile, his arms embracing his shoulders as he slides his own around Magnus’ waist, their bodies aligning, strong and warm, and he shuts his eyes, breathing him in, wishing he could do this every day, forever.

“This is always okay, Alexander.” 

Alec can’t breathe for a moment, Magnus’ whispered words covering him like a delicate tickle, head to toes, and he sinks his face deeper into the crook of his neck, tightening his hold on him, thanking him profoundly in silence.

A soft mewling sound finally reaches his ears, and he moves backwards with a smile, then turns towards the Chairman who’s sitting expectantly on the sofa, waiting for him, starting to purr the moment Alec sits down to pet him. 

He watches Magnus disappear in the kitchen, coming back with cookies, and two cups of tea, a lovely scent of sweet spices filling the room, then he joins him on the sofa. 

Alec holds the hot cup gingerly in his hands, blowing cool air on it for a few seconds, before he takes a sip, and savors the sensation of the hot liquid running down his throat. He eats a cookie, glancing at the cat, and at Magnus, finally needing to talk.

“I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting working on the event so much, I-” Alec finds Magnus’ hand, more precisely, his finger in front of his lips, shushing him.

“Everything is under control, also thanks to all the work you have done, so, please, don’t worry about it, and don’t feel guilty for anything. Nothing major could go wrong, and that’s all that matters. I’m rather excited now, to be honest, it’s only a few days away.” 

Alec can’t seem to decide where to look, his eyes flitting from Magnus’ finger to his face until he drops his hand. “I’m really happy to hear that, I’m looking forward to it.” 

Magnus seems happily surprised. “So, you’re still coming?” 

Alec frowns a little puzzledly. “Yeah, of course.” 

Magnus looks a little sheepish, his fingers rubbing along the shell of his ear. “Well, I wasn’t sure if you still felt comfortable going.” 

Alec understands his reasoning now, and he feels touched that Magnus would accept him not going, but that makes him want to all the more. He takes Magnus’ wrist gently and closes his fingers around it, taking his hand down between them, Magnus’ eyes big, and beautiful, gazing into his.

“I want to go, and I want to go with you, if you’re comfortable with that.” Alec hadn’t known he would say that, the inside of his belly going mad, Magnus’ skin growing hot where his fingers are still touching him, and he could get lost staring at his face.

“Of course I do - want you to go with me, I do.” 

Alec can’t but smile at the keen look, and honest joy on Magnus’ face, and if the Chairman didn’t suddenly decide to jump on the back of the couch right between them, he would have kissed him.

Magnus sighs inwardly, smirking softly, and lets the cat push lovingly against his face as he walks gracefully on the thin surface towards him. 

Alec chides himself for feeling a tinge of jealousy, smirking lightly and stroking along the cat’s body gently, making him purr even louder.

“He does love attention, just like his human.” Magnus gives him a playful, yet, meaningful look, causing an excited lurch in Alec’s stomach as he smiles with newfound confidence.

Magnus’ smile brightens mischievously, his eyes crinkling at the corners, leaving Alec wholly enamored, unable to look away even as Magnus stands, and excuses himself to the bathroom.

Alec takes a deep breath, smiling to himself, feeling weirdly joyful. “I do quite love your human, too, Chairman Meow,” he whispers to him, as he strokes his head, then spots something on the table from the corner of his eye he hadn’t noticed before.

It looks like a large book with an emerald binding, very pretty and soft to his touch as he reaches for it, opens it, and freezes, the photo on the page letting him realize exactly what it is, and he feels terrible for being so curious, more so, he feels overwhelmed with sudden emotions.

“It’s alright, you can look.” 

Alec winces, snapping his hand back, staring at Magnus, tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I shouldn’t have.” 

Magnus sits down, and takes one of Alec’s hands into both of his. “Hey, it’s okay. I left it out here on purpose. I have been trying to decide whether I want to dedicate a part of the event to her, show some photos of the people she cared for, and helped.” Magnus lets go of Alec’s hand, takes the album and places it gingerly onto his lap, then meets his eyes again.

“If you don’t want to, I understand, though, I can do it later.” 

Alec shakes his head quickly. “No, if you want me to, I would like to know more about her.” He hopes he’s reassuring him, relieved at Magnus’ little nod.

He opens the cover, and the photo Alec saw of Magnus with his mother, stares right back at him. He feels shivers all over, but he wants to see. Everything.

Magnus shows him all of it, telling him about his mother’s exceptional heart and skills, looking after all kinds of people, sometimes also animals, never turning anyone in need away, and about her fight with cancer she eventually lost. 

“Sometimes I hated it, that she cared so much for everyone, and never about herself. But she used to take my face into her hands, pressed her forehead on mine, and told me that she only needed me, and my happiness, to be happy herself. And mostly I believed her, and tried to help, even when I was sick of all these strangers in our home. Sometimes I wanted her all to myself, and not having to care about anyone but the two of us, but when she got sick, I thought no one would care, that they all just used her when she was useful to them, but so many people showed up for her, and me, and then I finally understood.” 

He smiles sadly, his finger brushing tenderly over her smiling face in one of the photos. “She said that we all have a responsibility to care for one another, especially those of us lucky enough to be able to support those less fortunate. I finally learned that her happiness also came from the gratitude of everyone around her, seeing them get healthy, or just managing to cope with themselves, and their lives in a better way. Most people just want someone to care, and it’s enough. She used to say that we can’t save the whole world, but we can do what we can in our little corner of the world, and that we should never stop trying to do good for someone else, because it always makes a difference.” 

He shuts the album, tears rushing from his eyes when he looks at Alec, who shifts closer against him, their sides and thighs touching, his arms coming around Magnus who falls against him, his head heavy on Alec’s shoulder, and Alec is glad to give some comfort back to him, even though he wishes he didn’t have to hurt like this. He leans his head against Magnus’, caressing his neck, and hair. 

Magnus’ sigh erupts the quiet after a while. “Thank you. It gets easier, but never easy.” They move apart slowly, eyes locking, Alec’s hand cupping Magnus’ jaw and cheek, his thumb brushing away a teardrop.

“She was an incredible person, and I’m so sorry she was taken from you so soon. I can’t even imagine-” Or maybe, he can, somewhat. 

Magnus covers Alec’s hand with one of his, smiling gently in understanding. “Loss is always life-changing, and grief will always catch up with us, no matter how we might cope. I’m still grieving, even now, but I can live well with it. It took me years to get here, though.” 

Alec nods, filled with emotions, pressing his lips together, moving to pull him into another hug. He needs it as much as him, and he doesn’t mind admitting to it.

“Is there anything I can do?” Alec whispers into his hair, his fingers gently drawing a pattern into Magnus’ bicep. 

“You’re already doing it.” 

Alec can hear the smile again in Magnus’ voice, and he feels a strange notion of happiness and regret. It just never feels like it’s  _ enough. _

One breath to another he feels the shift. They’re still embracing, neither saying a word, the Chairman settled down on the couch, rolled into a ball, snoring, but Alec’s suddenly so much more aware of  _ him. _

Where his fingers are touching muscle through Magnus’ thin shirt, Magnus’ breath tickling his neck, his lips almost on his skin, his thumb circling a spot next to Alec’s spine in a slow movement.

And he’s so warm, and smells so good. And Alec moves when Magnus does, their bodies in sync, facing each other, his breath catching at the way Magnus’ eyelids are shut halfway, his eyes undoubtedly fixed on Alec’s lips, his chest rising strongly, his skin made of pin pricks. 

He doesn’t know or care who moves first now, his lips enveloping Magnus’ bottom lip, lingering for a moment, giving himself a second to breathe, to take in the sensation, the emotions inflating his chest, before Magnus’ fingers carding through his hair, and his mouth moving to touch, and taste more of him, shake the moment’s languor, and he keenly welcomes Magnus’ tongue, quiet moans echoing in his ears.

“Would you like to take this to the bedroom?” The way Magnus is almost out of breath sends happy shudders through Alec. 

He smiles, licking his wet lips that taste of the man in front of him. “Yes.” 

Magnus grins, his eyes sparkling, as he takes Alec’s hand and pulls him off of the couch, leading him to the other room. 

He gives Alec a gentle shove to make him sit, nudging his legs apart to make room for himself as he crouches down, his hands swiftly unbuttoning Alec’s shirt, his mouth ghosting along Alec’s throat.

Alec’s eyes fall shut as he arches his neck, a hand pressing into the softness of the duvet beneath him, the other caressing the back of Magnus’ head and neck, hot shivers rushing through him. 

He can feel both of Magnus’ hands on his bare chest, pushing him backwards, and he complies moving to lie down, his eyes fixed on Magnus’ face, a mesmerizing vision of tender desire. 

He draws a shaky breath, Magnus’ lips trailing along his chest, kissing every inch of exposed skin and hair, down along his body, his unhurried gentleness, surprising, and moving Alec in a deeper part of himself than he would have voluntarily gone to, but wants to trust Magnus with. 

Magnus’ fingers feel warm on his hip and ribs, applying just enough pressure to not make him jump with tickles, Magnus’ lips moving upwards again, reaching Alec’s collarbone, moving still, over his neck, to his chin, but when Alec expects to feel them on his own lips, they kiss along his jaw, temple, and brow, but what shocks him into stillness, is the way Magnus’ lips linger just an instant more every time they make contact with his face, as if to say something, as if to kiss comfort and care into his very skin.

Alec feels more shocked when tears run freely from his eyes, and he knows within a second he won’t be able to stop them. His heart aches so viscerally that every breath stings as his throat constricts painfully, his whole being raw, and open in mere moments.

“I’m sorry.” He blinks tears from his eyes, immediately replaced with fresh ones, barely able to see Magnus’ face above him.

“Don’t be, love, never for that. You never have to apologize for that.” 

Magnus kisses his cheek just below his eye, and Alec sobs, somehow moving with Magnus, finding himself in his safe embrace, clinging to him. 

Memories of Max, his aggrieved family, Magnus and his mother, and his own helplessness flood his mind, and all he can do is cry, and soak up every piece of solace Magnus’ presence provides for him.

Later, when the remnants of mourning leave him weak, sore, and quiet, and Magnus caresses his hurt, splotchy, cheeks, Alec sheds a few more silent tears. He feels like a giant ball of emotions he can’t control, or even fully understand. But it’s alright, because Magnus accepts, understands, and even relates, and somehow that makes all the difference. 

Even later, when he excuses himself to use the bathroom to wash his face, and take some deep breaths, feeling the raw pain inside him, knowing it takes a couple of days to mend, he catches himself in Magnus’ mirror, and when before he would always look away quickly, avoid looking at himself completely, he decides to look, to take a moment, or two, and look at himself. 

He feels a little embarrassed about breaking down like that with Magnus when they were meant to spend a couple of hours having passionate sex, but he doesn’t feel ashamed. He believed Magnus when he told him he needn’t apologize for it, and though he feels regret, he also feels a strange sense of confidence he hasn’t known before. 

He turns towards the door, thinking of the man whose home he’s in right now, everything they’ve gone through together until now. He thinks he might cry again, laughing quietly at himself as he wipes his sore eyes, drops his hands, inhales and exhales slowly. 

He would never have expected to be here, and - being wholly honest with himself - he doesn’t think he deserves it, but Max would tell him to stop being an idiot, and he will have to keep telling himself off now. He’s sure Jace, and Iz, will also gladly help him with that. 

He smiles to himself, cools his eyelids once more, and heads out to meet Magnus in the living-room, where he’s waiting with fresh tea, and cookies. 

For a second he feels nervous about what he might read on Magnus’ face, but he should have expected nothing but his genuine smile that immediately puts him at ease. He sits down next to him, and his body seems to move on its own, nestling into Magnus’ side, his arms slipping around his middle, made perfect by Magnus’ arms closing around him.

“Thank you,” he whispers, even though he knows Magnus doesn’t want thanks or sorries. 

“You’re welcome, Alexander.” 

Alec smiles, hearing the smirk in Magnus’ voice, feeling safe in a cocoon of warmth, comfort, and love. 

When he starts to actually feel sleepy, he forces himself to straighten up and let go of him, to drink the tea, and glance at the clock on the wall. 

“Am I right to assume you won’t stay the night?” Magnus seems casual enough, but Alec, at least, hopes he would want him to, as much as Alec wishes he could.

“I’d like to, I just really need to catch up with work early tomorrow.” He apologizes, feeling almost compelled to forget about work and everything else completely, and stay here for as long as Magnus will have him.

“I understand, I need to finish a few things myself. And we can always do this again another time…?” 

Magnus’ eyes are so hopeful, yet strangely uncertain, and Alec wants to wipe away every single doubt, though he’s still not quite sure himself.

“Yeah? Do you still want to? Today wasn’t exactly-” He’s caught off-guard by Magnus’ hand over his as he takes it between his hands, holding it gingerly.

“Today was wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, of course I would prefer us to not break down crying,” they’re both smiling fleetingly, “but this is life, and this is how we’re feeling, and what we’re going through right now, and I really don’t have any capacity for pretence anymore, I want the truth, no matter what that might be. And I will never belittle, or downplay your feelings, and I rather not feel I have to mine, either.” 

Alec is stunned, and speechless for a moment, just staring at him until he finds his voice again. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to do that. I want you to be you, and feel whatever you feel, because what I feel for you...” 

He swallows, somehow stuck, cursing his ineptitude, and he doesn’t know how, but Magnus seems to understand completely. 

“I’m in love with you, too.” He smiles, and leans in to kiss him, chasing the last doubt from his heart, and mind. 

“Great, me too.” Alec smiles into another kiss, cupping Magnus’ neck to keep him this close for a little while longer.

They finish the tea and cookies, and Alec cuddles the Chairman goodnight before he makes a move to leave.

“Are you and your family free this Friday afternoon by any chance?” Magnus is leaning against the corner of the wall, watching Alec get dressed. 

Alec frowns a bit in surprise, thinking. “I think so, I can ask, why?” 

“Please do, it’s a surprise, though.” He smirks at Alec’s somewhat suspicious look, steps closer, grabs Alec’s coat with both of his hands, and leans up to catch his lips. 

Alec wraps him into his arms, and kisses him back for a long minute, his mind trying to catch up on what his heart has known for a while now, intensified by Magnus feeling the same. 

At home, he showers, and asks everyone about Friday, glad he can tell Magnus the next day that they’re free. 

~~

They all drive together in Robert’s 9-seater, and Alec keeps wondering why Magnus wants to meet them so close to the beach, and for what purpose, but the moment they arrive and he catches sight of him, his mind draws a blissful blank, his heartbeat speeding up as he rushes from the car, and greets Magnus with a hug, and kiss. 

When they finally turn towards his family, Lydia and Izzy are grinning from ear to ear, barely able to contain their excitement, and Jace pretends to be bored, before clapping them both on the shoulder, and pulling them into a short, slightly clumsy hug. 

Alec and Magnus share a meaningful look, before Magnus gets hugs from everyone else, and Alec can very much guess what Izzy’s whispering to him. He feels nothing but joy, and love, at this moment. 

“I wanted to meet you all here, because the lovely Isabelle told me that this was one of Max’s favorite places, and this is supposed to be for him, as much as it is for all of you.” He takes Alec’s hand and squeezes it, then leads them up the small hill to the cliffside where he brought large white canvases, and dozens of colors, glitter, and other art utensils. 

The weather is rather mild for winter, which is lucky, and they have a great view of the vast ocean from up here. Everyone is visibly surprised, and straining with mixed emotions, and for a moment, just staring at their surroundings, wondering what to do. 

“Oh, Magnus, this is absolutely wonderful.” Maryse wipes a tear from her eye and heads over to one of the canvases, checking out the materials. 

“Is it okay, though? Won’t it harm the environment, or something?” Jace glances at Magnus, frowning. 

“I’m happy you mention that, and no, it won’t, all the colors, and even the glitter is organic, so don’t worry about it, and just let your creativity run free.” He smirks at Jace who seems pleasantly surprised and heads towards another canvas, Lydia and Izzy following hand in hand. 

Robert seems more hesitant, but also clearly emotional. “He truly would have loved this. Very much so. Thank you.” He meets Magnus’ eyes for a moment, tears glistening in his, before he joins Maryse. 

“He’s right. Max would… he would go crazy with this.” Alec smiles, tears spilling over, and hugs Magnus tightly. 

“I’m glad, so let’s go a little crazy ourselves, hm?” Alec smiles and moves back, wipes his face, and takes Magnus’ hand, and pulls him along to a blank canvas, looking at the others seemingly having fun with the colors and different types of glitter. 

It’s a colorful, glittery mess, and they talk, and laugh, and Jace is the first to splash Izzy with some color, relieved to circumvent her wrath when Magnus is quick to assure her that the colors are easy to wash out of clothes and hair. 

In the end, none of them can avoid being used as a canvas themselves, and when Jace grabs a box of glitter and is fast to throw a handful on all of them, shouting that Max’s spirit has possessed him to do it, everyone’s laughing and crying. 

Alec feels warm, despite the low temperature, and buzzing with a kind of joy he hadn’t expected to find today, as he watches everyone, imagining Max amid them. 

“Are you alright?” 

Alec turns towards Magnus’ familiar voice, smiling as he nods, noticing a few pieces of glitter stuck together on Magnus’ eyelash. “Stay still…” He moves his hand and frees his lash carefully with his fingertips, caressing his temple down to his cheek, cradling half of his jaw with his hand. 

“I don’t really know what to say,” he whispers, his eyes brimming.

Magnus smiles knowingly, his eyes twinkling. “We can do other things than talk.” 

Alec’s brain catches on, and he grins as he leans in to press their cold lips together. 

“ Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?

Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?”

First, they hear Izzy’s voice, singing a familiar line from a song… and then they hear laughter as Jace throws more glitter over them, and they part to shake their heads and bodies and Alec wants to curse him, but doesn’t have it in him, seeing his huge smile. 

And then Jace joins in with Izzy and Lydia, singing more of the song, and Alec feels overwhelmed.

“Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it…”

He looks at Magnus, taking his hand, emotions crowding in his eyes, too, and they all come closer, hug or hold hands, and sing together, imagining Max’s voice among them.

“Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face

And said I just don't care?”


End file.
